abrightboy | Voicemail (IC Contact Post) NEW

[Eiffel has a personal scale which he tries to pretend doesn't exist, about how badly someone makes him want to drink.

He's amazed at how quickly Malcolm made himself shoot up the ranks.]

Okay, if you wanna compare yourself to Shaw, here's the rub: she doesn't put words in my mouth. If I didn't wanna goddamn understand you why would I have apologised? Why would I keep trying with you?! I could just as easily never talk to you again and I would achieve the goal of not understanding you with way less of a headache! I don't care if you're off-putting, what do you think people call me?! I care that you clearly wanna understand and you immediately yelled at me when I said acknowledging people matters! What is your deal?!

I didn’t yell at you. Go back and listen. You yelled at me. When I was trying to explain how I process emotions. Because the last time you yelled at me, in front of everybody with the Neal thing, and this time now? In both cases you accused me of being a robot with no feelings that hurts people by not emoting empathetically. That is so the opposite of what my problem is. Maybe I overcompensate, but you are literally the only person that approach has ever gotten me in more trouble with than overemoting does. People do not like to see messy big emotions that aren’t in tight control. And your solution for my perceived disorder of robotic unfeelingness? To copy other people’s appropriate emotional reactions and pretend they’re my reaction? There’s a word for that, Doug. That’s masking. And the subject is a bit triggering for me, I guess.

Speaking of which… Shaw brought up the breach and she thought it was weird when I told her not to worry; that I wouldn’t try muscling into your group just because the breach put me in it. …Why is she weird about you guys being a group? She wanted to know why I was so ‘defeatist’ about it, but you’re not in the group if you’re not part of the group stuff. I told her I was just making a logical deduction. I didn’t get my walkie talkie or cool nickname or invitation to movie night. I pointed out that if everyone gets a bowling shirt except you, nobody has to tell you that you’re not on the bowling team, right?

[All presented very matter of factly.]

Well maybe you should yell! Maybe then people will believe that you're upset and stop making robot comparisons!

[Hold on he has to actually process that monologue and he picks up on a pertinent detail.]

I knew it, you're the reason Shaw got so self-conscious about her and Neal and me being friends!! Goddamn it Bright, what the hell?!

She wasn’t self conscious. She said you’re not a group and that means I can’t be included or excluded from it.

Can I clarify something? You were mad at me when you claimed I yelled at you and now you’re mad that I didn’t yell at you?

...seriously? She called us to ask if we were a group and if we were being exclusionary! That's not someone who's not self conscious about having friends!! Your Brightese translated to Shawnese that badly!

[There's a loud groan as he scrubs his face with both hands, and pulls his hair out to retie his ponytail. Now he just sounds tired.]

Just 'cos people don't want you to see it, because you keep being clinical at them, that doesn't mean other people aren't just as screwed up as you are. You've got your game face, Bright, what the hell makes you think you're so special that no one else is using one too?

I don’t think that. But Shaw and I have had a lot of mediation and she was being straight-forward. She really didn’t think you’re a group. I’m glad she cleared that up with you. Because you definitely are one that I’m definitely not in. We can agree on that, right?

You don't act like you don't think that. Shaw's poker face is insane but that doesn't mean she's not sweating where you can't see it. I know seeing is believing but maybe stop trying to look behind the curtain so people want to show it to you.

...why are you so goddamn caught up on that? [And despite himself there's some actual curiosity there.] We're not the only people who have their own thing going on.

I’m not caught up on it except that I thought I understood where I stood - outside of it - and she told me I was wrong because there was nothing to stand outside of, but I could see that there is. Like. I’m standing in front of the wall; don’t tell me there’s no wall. And I never said being in a group was bad, so if she’s having an existential crisis about it, I’m really not sure why. She should be happy to be in a group.

Anyway. What you’re saying is that I can’t tell what she’s thinking by what she says or does, but you can tell what I’m thinking - or not thinking - by what I say and do, even though I emote less than a robot?

What you're saying and doing sounds like the biggest nerd in high school who didn't have any friends and tried to act like they don't care why when all the other nerds in computer class get invited to the group birthday party and you didn't.

You know why we've got walkie talkies? Because I like making walkies, and Shaw and Neal aren't the only people I gave 'em to! Do you know why we've got code names? Because we're ex-military dumbasses who think it's funny! And again, I started that, and I do it to everyone with the walkies! You wanna come to movie night? Come to movie night! They're in the common room for fuck's sake, no one's stopping you!

If you were really also a nerd that didn’t even get invited to nerd parties? You’d know that showing up when you’re not invited is worse than just not being invited. Because you get to see the faces of the people who are disappointed you’re there.

And it wasn’t about trying to come. It was about trying to make Shaw feel like her safe places were still safe.

I’m busy on Fridays.

[He hangs up.]

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