abrightboy | Voicemail (IC Contact Post) NEW

He said that to you in real life, right?

This was a little different, but yes. Some of it was verbatim what he'd said before, like...the last thing he'd said.

[He hesitates, because he hadn't wanted to admit it, but he can now, at least.]

I didn't want him to finish his sentence. So I opened the door, saw him sitting at his desk, and I shot him.

I heard things from my life too. Times when people tried to shame me.

I'm sorry to hear that. Regardless of it it works or not, it still tends to hurt.

[Try isn't the word Abel would use when it came to Cook, because he'd succeeded at it, exceptionally well.]

The last time I was in that office, I was being held by two armed infantry men, and when Cook asked them to hold me down so Cain would be forced to watch, he broke free and killed the man at my right with the first shot.

I- [He pulls in a breath, trying to be honest, doesn't want to keep it to himself much longer.] I was afraid it would happen again. I didn't even want to give him a chance, not in front of Norton.

…Was Cain there?

No, though after I realized that I was standing in the same spot I had been, there was still blood on the floor.

So it was just like you remembered it.

Yes, but last time I shot Cook, I purposefully didn't shoot to kill.

Edited 2024-09-01 22:33 (UTC)

And this time you did. His hold on you is broken.

[That's what Norton expected him to get out of the situation too.]

I acted without thinking and lost control, I...can't deny that it felt good to do it, but his hold isn't anywhere near broken if just by talking to me, I can't help but commit a serious crime. I have to see him when I get home, and I doubt that his testimony is going to be easy to sit through.

But as a cathartic exercise...?

[Abel closes his eyes as if not looking at Malcolm will make it any easier to say.]

If I was by myself It wouldn't have just been the one shot. And I think I would have felt better about it, as stupid as that sounds.

It's not weird or bad to have violent fantasies about silencing your abuser.

Over half my day I spend in my head, and if it was just in my head, then I think this would be fine.

But it wasn't. There is a difference between imagining yourself pulling the trigger, and actually doing it.

[Malcolm folds his hands on top of his notebook, on the desk, and leans forward a little.]

Kind of… but kind of not. If you imagine yourself doing something or even saying something inside your head, did you know that if you measured electrical activity in your muscles, you’d find that the muscle groups you’d use to actually do that thing are activated, just like if you were doing it? Your body doesn’t actually know it isn’t real. There’s just a time in childhood where you learn to internalize things at your discretion. If you watch a child younger than five? Everything is external. Maybe you’ve noticed. As you develop, you gain the skill to suppress the external presentation of that speech and those behaviours, but to your body they’re still real. Something the Barge does… is it drags those internal things outside of you, but in reality? You were only killing Cook in your head.

[Having the over active imagination that he does, he isn't sure that this entirely comforting. In fact it makes him worried that he's going to have to explain the other things that he imagines on a daily basis during his usual activities.

Though Norton did say something about thoughts becoming reality, and the fact that there is science behind some of it, not just magic is a little comforting.]

I can understand that he wasn't real, but am I just supposed to be okay with it because it wasn't real? I have vivid dreams, all the time. Those might not be real either, but they still upset me.

You're feelings can't be wrong, Abel. And things that aren't real can be even more upsetting than things that are. But applying reason can help reframe the situation that you're upset about so that you can either process it or do something about it. You knew Cook wasn't here. You knew there was a flood going on. You knew you were shooting some... thing masquerading as your nightmares. Nothing wrong with shooting that in the face, is there?

I don't think there is, but I'm not sure that's the reason it upset me so much.

It's more...If I had shot him just because I wanted to, because it might make me feel better, or feel more in control of what happened, that would feel better. But I didn't.

I let him get to me enough that I felt like I had to.

You were mad at him because he still has an effect on you. Because he was every authority figure that ever called you a pervert and you hate that you still care what they think.

I think that first one is most accurate. I lost control because of what he said, enough that I would kill him to get him to stop.

And it's irrational, because I'm sure he knows already, but I didn't like the idea of Norton knowing the extent of Cook's transgressions either. Not down to the details of what he'd said, at least.

It’s important to you what Norton thinks of you.

It's important to me what most people think of me. public opinion carries a lot of weight. [Which is true, but definitely a deflection.]

But Norton in particular. [Malcolm has been stung by the weight of 'public opinion', here and at home.]

I think it's rather normal to not want a good friend of yours to know what someone who assaulted you said while he was doing it.

[Abel doesn't look particularly comfortable talking about it either, but there's multiple reasons for that.]

I think it was his words that really hurt you.

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