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[Abel closes his eyes as if not looking at Malcolm will make it any easier to say.]

If I was by myself It wouldn't have just been the one shot. And I think I would have felt better about it, as stupid as that sounds.

It's not weird or bad to have violent fantasies about silencing your abuser.

Over half my day I spend in my head, and if it was just in my head, then I think this would be fine.

But it wasn't. There is a difference between imagining yourself pulling the trigger, and actually doing it.

[Malcolm folds his hands on top of his notebook, on the desk, and leans forward a little.]

Kind of… but kind of not. If you imagine yourself doing something or even saying something inside your head, did you know that if you measured electrical activity in your muscles, you’d find that the muscle groups you’d use to actually do that thing are activated, just like if you were doing it? Your body doesn’t actually know it isn’t real. There’s just a time in childhood where you learn to internalize things at your discretion. If you watch a child younger than five? Everything is external. Maybe you’ve noticed. As you develop, you gain the skill to suppress the external presentation of that speech and those behaviours, but to your body they’re still real. Something the Barge does… is it drags those internal things outside of you, but in reality? You were only killing Cook in your head.

[Having the over active imagination that he does, he isn't sure that this entirely comforting. In fact it makes him worried that he's going to have to explain the other things that he imagines on a daily basis during his usual activities.

Though Norton did say something about thoughts becoming reality, and the fact that there is science behind some of it, not just magic is a little comforting.]

I can understand that he wasn't real, but am I just supposed to be okay with it because it wasn't real? I have vivid dreams, all the time. Those might not be real either, but they still upset me.

You're feelings can't be wrong, Abel. And things that aren't real can be even more upsetting than things that are. But applying reason can help reframe the situation that you're upset about so that you can either process it or do something about it. You knew Cook wasn't here. You knew there was a flood going on. You knew you were shooting some... thing masquerading as your nightmares. Nothing wrong with shooting that in the face, is there?

I don't think there is, but I'm not sure that's the reason it upset me so much.

It's more...If I had shot him just because I wanted to, because it might make me feel better, or feel more in control of what happened, that would feel better. But I didn't.

I let him get to me enough that I felt like I had to.

You were mad at him because he still has an effect on you. Because he was every authority figure that ever called you a pervert and you hate that you still care what they think.

I think that first one is most accurate. I lost control because of what he said, enough that I would kill him to get him to stop.

And it's irrational, because I'm sure he knows already, but I didn't like the idea of Norton knowing the extent of Cook's transgressions either. Not down to the details of what he'd said, at least.

It’s important to you what Norton thinks of you.

It's important to me what most people think of me. public opinion carries a lot of weight. [Which is true, but definitely a deflection.]

But Norton in particular. [Malcolm has been stung by the weight of 'public opinion', here and at home.]

I think it's rather normal to not want a good friend of yours to know what someone who assaulted you said while he was doing it.

[Abel doesn't look particularly comfortable talking about it either, but there's multiple reasons for that.]

I think it was his words that really hurt you.

In this instance, all he had were words, and they did.

[He leans forward a little, elbows on the table as he threads his fingers together, resting his head against them. Taking in a breath, he closes his eyes and tries to convince himself that honesty is the best option here, if he's not talking about how important Norton's opinion was at least.]

He implied that he'd have Norton hold me down instead, and I didn't want to hear it.

But I do want to be clear, outside of this incident, it wasn't just words that hurt me. It's learning that he'd been watching me for years, hand picked me for an assignment that was entirely against protocol, and tried to assault and eliminate me when I learned the truth.

Knowing he did that, It sours every accomplishment I thought I'd earned myself. Reminds me that there were rumors going around, that I was sleeping with him to get where I was.

I have no idea whether he spread them himself, but he sure as hell didn't stop them either. It's disgusting, and I cannot believe I never even noticed after six years until the moment everything fell apart.

How could you have noticed?

[Fortunately for Abel he still didn't know that Cook had been bringing young officers who looked like him back to his office for years. It would have been all too obvious if he did know.]

I don't think I could have. At least, not the way I was.

I'd notice now, but all that leaves me with is a strong distrust of authority. It doesn't really help much, just causes problems.

Do you think they’re all like him?

I don't think, I worry. And I look for it very consciously now.

Have you found it since then?

It's only been four months, and the only real authority I've met is the Admiral.

[Which, he feels weird voicing his opinions about because he isn't sure any thing he could say or do on board is entirely private.]

Fair. I'm saying this as someone who also has profound trust issues, but my therapist does always tell me that if you can't let yourself be vulnerable again, you can't really connect with anyone again and that's a lonely way to live.

[He thinks about it a little more, considering the question again, just less specifically.]

I think it does make me a little more critical of my own actions here though, given what little authority I have in my position. But...taking risks as far as trusting people, I've tried not to let what happened make me stumble, but it certainly has.

Nothing I haven't been able to adjust for, or make amends for, but... I think all it's done is make me not trust my own judgement as far as looking at people and trusting myself to make good choices, know who people are. It's difficult, taking things at face value, and when there is more nuance, I don't let myself clarify, I just think about it forever. Like, if I did ask, I'm either afraid of retaliation for it, or it will confirm something I was not wanting to find.

Can you give me an example?

[Abel considers his options as far as examples. He could mention Norton again, but perhaps there is one that is more relevant, less personal and not something he wants to talk to Malcolm about just yet.]

I am struggling at times to be entirely honest with you in these sessions, and it's not just because it's hard to talk about. I think I have the ability to admit little things to myself, and your role here is to be a guide and a mirror, right?

But you're human, and this place has on occasion the ability to mess with people, it makes me stop short, leave the most personal things to myself because if I hear someone say something even remotely similar to something I might have said here, I wouldn't be able to get it out of my mind that it was you who said it to them first.

Which, I'm aware that could be taken as an insult to your character and professionalism, but I can't help it, and I hope you don't take it that way.

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