abrightboy | Voicemail (IC Contact Post) NEW

I don't think, I worry. And I look for it very consciously now.

Have you found it since then?

It's only been four months, and the only real authority I've met is the Admiral.

[Which, he feels weird voicing his opinions about because he isn't sure any thing he could say or do on board is entirely private.]

Fair. I'm saying this as someone who also has profound trust issues, but my therapist does always tell me that if you can't let yourself be vulnerable again, you can't really connect with anyone again and that's a lonely way to live.

[He thinks about it a little more, considering the question again, just less specifically.]

I think it does make me a little more critical of my own actions here though, given what little authority I have in my position. But...taking risks as far as trusting people, I've tried not to let what happened make me stumble, but it certainly has.

Nothing I haven't been able to adjust for, or make amends for, but... I think all it's done is make me not trust my own judgement as far as looking at people and trusting myself to make good choices, know who people are. It's difficult, taking things at face value, and when there is more nuance, I don't let myself clarify, I just think about it forever. Like, if I did ask, I'm either afraid of retaliation for it, or it will confirm something I was not wanting to find.

Can you give me an example?

[Abel considers his options as far as examples. He could mention Norton again, but perhaps there is one that is more relevant, less personal and not something he wants to talk to Malcolm about just yet.]

I am struggling at times to be entirely honest with you in these sessions, and it's not just because it's hard to talk about. I think I have the ability to admit little things to myself, and your role here is to be a guide and a mirror, right?

But you're human, and this place has on occasion the ability to mess with people, it makes me stop short, leave the most personal things to myself because if I hear someone say something even remotely similar to something I might have said here, I wouldn't be able to get it out of my mind that it was you who said it to them first.

Which, I'm aware that could be taken as an insult to your character and professionalism, but I can't help it, and I hope you don't take it that way.

I don’t, but I would suggest your trust issues extend beyond authority figures.

That would be a fair assessment. I think I'm more likely to distrust authority than individuals, but... most of my personal life on board the Sleipnir was leaked to my CO without my knowledge for a long while before I knew about it.

I can at least be honest that it's a fear of mine and...following the incident with Hilbert and Jacob, there was a lot of my own information, little as it was, being talked about without my consent. The leap to get from there to here doesn't seem all that illogical, which doesn't help me much if I am trying to convince myself that I can trust you.

But it isn't just you...it's often I find myself withholding information. Because I can't trust in my assessment of someone, how they might take what I'll say, how they might react. So I just keep it to myself.

Maybe making a conscious effort to let go of that would help you.

Or maybe my personal life has been in the media for so long, I don’t really have a yardstick for what’s appropriate.

I spent most of my time making sure mine didn't end up in the media.

Or at least what my father deemed the undesirable parts, there was a public face that was acceptable, but it wasnt me. I still don't feel entirely comfortable, telling someone in plain English that I'm gay.

I'd like to let it go, I don't think its serving me at all, wanting everything to be tucked away like that...but it's difficult to unlearn something that was a threat for so long.

No. I understand that. But. People don't. It... doesn't make them forgive it.

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