“I don’t know. I’m not sure.” He tugs the end of his pant leg up and rolls his sock down, wincing as the dampened cloth peels away from skin. The bleed underneath is dark, fast, but small, he thinks. He can’t tell where it’s coming from. His whole ankle is chafed through to the dermis, all of it bloody, but there’s too much blood for it to just be from that.
“What the fuck,” Neal whispers, horrified. “That wasn’t there this morning.”
Malcolm peels himself off the floor, moving into the kitchen to grab what is doubtless and expensive linen tea towel with no regard for it, lurching around the island to tie it tightly around the whole ankle to stem the blood, but he can see it’s already soaking fast.
“Infirmary. Now,” he orders, already preparing to take most of Neal’s weight as he turns him towards the door with more firm sternness than Neal’s ever heard from him.
With that kind of tone, Neal doesn’t debate him. He half-hops, half-walks toward the door, putting as little weight on his affected leg as possible, acutely conscious of the pain and the increasing weight of blood seeping into the towel.
“If I die,” he says, and falters at the words. “If I die, maybe don’t bring me back until this is over.”
“I guess wardens come back automatically, but inmate revivals have to be requested by a warden.” He leans against the wall as they make it to the hallway, shuffling along with its support, trying not to think about the fact that there’s blood in his shoe and that he’s leaving streaks on the floor. Is the lightheadedness physical or mental? He’s not sure.
“If… if I’m just going to keep bleeding out, or something, If I’m going to just keep getting injuries…” He lets the thought hang.
"Maggie was the one who brought it up," he says, not registering what the issue might be. He's breathing heavier even by the time they get to the stairs. Neal gives them a despairing look.
Neal makes a slight noise of surprise and protest as Malcolm lifts him, more protest at the indignity than the necessity. His ears are ringing again.
"You're really strong," he says, still surprised. "She didn't mean it like that, just that... This flood is... taking away people's option to choose what they want to share. If they want to share. That it could be easier for people to wait it out instead of having to choose between stacking deaths up or baring their souls."
He has to enunciate carefully. His dizziness is building into a kind of fatigued nausea, the which isn't helped by Malcolm's rhythm on the stairs. "You're really strong."
"The motivation is avoiding the effects of the flood. Same motivation," Malcolm argues. "Same motivation as when you got here and suggested that maybe not dying was the wrong choice."
"Not tapping out permanently," he says, trying to find a more eloquent way of putting it and failing. He's tired. His head hurts. His eyes ache, weirdly, and his fingertips are tingling a little. "Not going out with the intent to stay gone."
"And if it works for this? How many times will you pull that tool out of the toolbox? What's the difficulty threshold for offing yourself to get out of it?" Malcolm asks.
Neal stays quiet. He doesn't know how to answer, because he's asked himself that question endlessly. Endlessly. Until it made him want to claw the thoughts out of his head through his own ears.
"I'm a criminal," he finally says, closing his eyes and letting them stay closed. The lids are annoyingly heavy.
“It was to get out,” he says, tired beyond words. It’s scaring him, the way he feels loose and limp across Malcolm’s shoulders. The way the spots where Malcolm’s angles dug into him feel more tingly now than painful, like his whole body is falling asleep. This is the way it felt on the floor of Rebecca’s apartment, with Peter desperately ordering him to hold on.
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“…What’s going on? What happened?”
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“What the fuck,” Neal whispers, horrified. “That wasn’t there this morning.”
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“Infirmary. Now,” he orders, already preparing to take most of Neal’s weight as he turns him towards the door with more firm sternness than Neal’s ever heard from him.
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“If I die,” he says, and falters at the words. “If I die, maybe don’t bring me back until this is over.”
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“What? What are you talking about?”
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“If… if I’m just going to keep bleeding out, or something, If I’m going to just keep getting injuries…” He lets the thought hang.
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He shifts and puts Neal over his shoulder in a fireman carry, grunting only faintly as he starts up the stairs.
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"You're really strong," he says, still surprised. "She didn't mean it like that, just that... This flood is... taking away people's option to choose what they want to share. If they want to share. That it could be easier for people to wait it out instead of having to choose between stacking deaths up or baring their souls."
He has to enunciate carefully. His dizziness is building into a kind of fatigued nausea, the which isn't helped by Malcolm's rhythm on the stairs. "You're really strong."
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"Motivation," he mumbles.
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Which implies there was a distinct emotional motivation behind the whole dying thing but he's going to ignore that.
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And if that also keeps him talking, it's a total coincidence.
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"Anklet," he murmurs instead. "It's where the anklet was. I don't know the anatomy. I do. But. Visual anatomy, not actual anatomy."
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A faint wisp of amusement colors his tone. "Drove them crazy when I was undercover and got to take it off."
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"I'm a criminal," he finally says, closing his eyes and letting them stay closed. The lids are annoyingly heavy.
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“Sorry,” he says, the word slurred.
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“Bullshit,” he says plainly.
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