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"I will."

He bites his lip for a second.

"And - what's your favorite book? Or - something like that. I'll read it and we can talk about it. In friend times."

Malcolm smiles faintly, but genuinely.

"The Count of Monte Cristo. By Alexander Dumas. They definitely have it in the library. What's yours?"

Jedao rubs the back of his neck.

"I mostly read philosophy and history, which is...I mean, I like it, but it's kind of in the 'for work' category. For fun, for - stories that just make me happy, it's more video games? And cheesy romantic dramas. There's one game, Lapidary Sky, that's really - it's a big time commitment, you kind of play as a whole clan back in the pre-mothdrive era, wandering the stars and looking for a good place to live. You might like it, though."

"I could try that. But... 'philosophy and history textbook' doesn't put me off of a book, either," Malcolm tells him. "What... do you need to play that game?"

"I play it on my terminal, usually, but I'll see if the Admiral can give you a version that works with Earth tech, or a spare slate."

Which is what they call ipads in space.

"And I of the Earth philosophy I read, I really liked Baruch Spinoza."

"I'm not familiar with Baruch Spinoza; I'll check it out," Malcolm tells him. "How did you get introduced to Earth philosophy?"

"I read a lot of things James recommended - you remember James Flint, I imagine."

Since James was close with Raylan who was close with Neal -

"He was my first inmate, and it was important that I understand the - cultural ideas he lived with, discovered, fought against."

“I do remember James. He came to me for counselling. I guess I knew you were his Warden, but I didn’t actually know you at the time, so you were sort of a portrait with no face,” Malcolm remarks.

"I've become a lot less careful about infosec in the last year," Jedao admits.

Malcolm smiles faintly.

"Like letting people know you exist and have feelings and stuff?"

Edited 2024-05-01 16:51 (UTC)

"Mm. Something like that."

"Well... I'm glad you eased up on that," Malcolm tells him plainly.

"Well, once you've sent out marriage invitations, people have a pretty good idea how to hurt you. Locking the barn door after the cows are out, and all that," Jedao says dryly, not noticing what a weird phrase it is for someone who has never seen or even thought about a barn.

"Is it always about damage limitation? The... privacy?" Malcolm asks.

"Oh...I depend that depends on how expansive your idea of 'damage' is. Just as much of it is...not about concealing information as much as controlling the flow of it. You need never unsay something you did not say in the first place, and all that. I want to be able to decide how I present myself when I'm interacting with someone, rather than not having any idea what they have and haven't heard me say to someone else entirely on the network."

"What's it like having that kind of control?" Malcolm asks. And he's genuinely asking.

Jedao thinks about it. His first instinct is that it doesn't feel like anything, that it's a different process, that it happens somewhere else. But he isn't sure how to say that.

"I've never not done it. When I was - my first couple weeks of being alive, that I can remember. I had to hide from my troops that I didn't know what I was doing, and I had to hide from the man who made me that I was plotting against him. And when I did let anything slip, people died for it. So...it's just something I always have to think about, like a clock ticking in the corner of the screen. Like playing one of those video games where you have like twelve little counters you've got to balance. And as long as you keep them balanced, it's not stressful, exactly. It's just things to account for. A little puzzle that it's even kind of fun to be good at, sometimes. But you do have to be meticulous, because you only have to fuck it up once."

“Do you ever wish you could stop doing it?” Malcolm asks. “Do you ever look at people who just… live a carefree life and wish you knew how?”

Jedao shakes his head.

"No. I'd be scared all the time that I was fucking things up - or, if I wasn't, I guess I'd rather know what's coming for me than feel fine and not know. I like...especially now that I'm here, where not everyone knows Shuos Jedao first, I like the freedom of choosing how to approach someone, instead of having my best or only tactic be to lean in to the way they already think of me. There are people who see more sides of me, or all sides of me, but I get to choose who, and when. Who's earned that kind of trust. I admire people like that - the Irises and Eiffels and Trevors, who are flagrantly and unflinchingly themselves at all times for all comers. I think that lets them do things I can't do, sometimes, and I think they're...important elements to have, in a community about new perspectives and change. But I don't think their strategy is right for me, and I don't want it."

Sometimes, when he looks through old footage, it almost seems like Shuos Jedao managed to do both at once, which breaks his brain a little and does make him jealous, but that also might just be - everything about Jedao One. And even he couldn't make it work all the time.

“Will says he likes that about me. The way I’m unapologetically myself. But… it doesn’t charm the population at large like it does with Iris and Eiffel. …It doesn’t even work with Eiffel,” Malcolm muses.

"Nothing charms the population at large. That's why being able to use different approaches with different people is so powerful," Jedao explains.

It's literally 101 stuff - Jedao has audited most of Shuos Academy's classes at this point, although he didn't learn anything in Intro Interrogation that he didn't basically already know, on an instinctual level - but it's not Malcolm's fault that he's an Earth barbarian with some kind of congenital blind spot about it.

"Do you think it's true? That you do that?"

“Iris and Eiffel charm the population at large by being authentic,” Malcolm says. “And I can’t seem to help being myself, it just… it feels good with Will because he likes it,” Malcolm says. “Doesn’t… being different with everyone feel fake, though? When do you feel like… you’re you?”

"I didn't like Iris at first," Jedao admits. "We still aren't really close, even though she considers me family."

It's complicated and kind of uncomfortable for him, even though he appreciates - a lot of things about her. Even though he's willing to rely on her for things he needs. Which makes him a typical ungrateful child, he supposes. He pulls a leg up onto the couch, wraps an arm around his own folded knee, a self-protective, uncertain gesture. It makes him look younger.

"I think a lot of people actually find her overwhelming, we're just quieter about it." But she and Eiffel do - connect to people, just by being kind, being earnest, being full of energy and joy, by accepting people where they're at. All of which it's possible to do inauthentically, if you're skilled enough, but they don't.

"I feel like the real me is - cautious, observant, and strategic. I don't need other people to see the real me to be the real me. The real me is a very good liar, when I decide it's necessary. But also...I'm not necessarily being fake, either. It's like I have different facets, and...I'm just picking the right one to start with. Or sometimes I'll act in a way I never have before, but mirroring someone feels like getting to learn a new language. Growing, not faking."

Bantering with Roman had felt like that.

"I like having people I can trust with everything too, but...not because I get to be real with them, just because they're good? Because that's better than always being alone?"

“If people you interact with and then develop friendship with don’t see the real you, then how can they like the real you? “ Malcolm asks. “If something comes out later, don’t they feel like you were hiding it?”

That’s been his experience.

Edited 2024-05-07 10:32 (UTC)

Jedao shakes his head.

"It's not...opposite? It's not fake, just - calculated. It's like...one side. And when they see more, they feel like they earned my trust. And I'm earning theirs too, hopefully. That's how friendships usually work, I think."

It can't all be assassinations gone wrong.

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