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abrightboy

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From:

abrightboy

“Do you ever wish you could stop doing it?” Malcolm asks. “Do you ever look at people who just… live a carefree life and wish you knew how?”

From:

deuceoftears

Jedao shakes his head.

"No. I'd be scared all the time that I was fucking things up - or, if I wasn't, I guess I'd rather know what's coming for me than feel fine and not know. I like...especially now that I'm here, where not everyone knows Shuos Jedao first, I like the freedom of choosing how to approach someone, instead of having my best or only tactic be to lean in to the way they already think of me. There are people who see more sides of me, or all sides of me, but I get to choose who, and when. Who's earned that kind of trust. I admire people like that - the Irises and Eiffels and Trevors, who are flagrantly and unflinchingly themselves at all times for all comers. I think that lets them do things I can't do, sometimes, and I think they're...important elements to have, in a community about new perspectives and change. But I don't think their strategy is right for me, and I don't want it."

Sometimes, when he looks through old footage, it almost seems like Shuos Jedao managed to do both at once, which breaks his brain a little and does make him jealous, but that also might just be - everything about Jedao One. And even he couldn't make it work all the time.

From:

abrightboy

“Will says he likes that about me. The way I’m unapologetically myself. But… it doesn’t charm the population at large like it does with Iris and Eiffel. …It doesn’t even work with Eiffel,” Malcolm muses.

From:

deuceoftears

"Nothing charms the population at large. That's why being able to use different approaches with different people is so powerful," Jedao explains.

It's literally 101 stuff - Jedao has audited most of Shuos Academy's classes at this point, although he didn't learn anything in Intro Interrogation that he didn't basically already know, on an instinctual level - but it's not Malcolm's fault that he's an Earth barbarian with some kind of congenital blind spot about it.

"Do you think it's true? That you do that?"

From:

abrightboy

“Iris and Eiffel charm the population at large by being authentic,” Malcolm says. “And I can’t seem to help being myself, it just… it feels good with Will because he likes it,” Malcolm says. “Doesn’t… being different with everyone feel fake, though? When do you feel like… you’re you?”

From:

deuceoftears

"I didn't like Iris at first," Jedao admits. "We still aren't really close, even though she considers me family."

It's complicated and kind of uncomfortable for him, even though he appreciates - a lot of things about her. Even though he's willing to rely on her for things he needs. Which makes him a typical ungrateful child, he supposes. He pulls a leg up onto the couch, wraps an arm around his own folded knee, a self-protective, uncertain gesture. It makes him look younger.

"I think a lot of people actually find her overwhelming, we're just quieter about it." But she and Eiffel do - connect to people, just by being kind, being earnest, being full of energy and joy, by accepting people where they're at. All of which it's possible to do inauthentically, if you're skilled enough, but they don't.

"I feel like the real me is - cautious, observant, and strategic. I don't need other people to see the real me to be the real me. The real me is a very good liar, when I decide it's necessary. But also...I'm not necessarily being fake, either. It's like I have different facets, and...I'm just picking the right one to start with. Or sometimes I'll act in a way I never have before, but mirroring someone feels like getting to learn a new language. Growing, not faking."

Bantering with Roman had felt like that.

"I like having people I can trust with everything too, but...not because I get to be real with them, just because they're good? Because that's better than always being alone?"

From:

abrightboy

“If people you interact with and then develop friendship with don’t see the real you, then how can they like the real you? “ Malcolm asks. “If something comes out later, don’t they feel like you were hiding it?”

That’s been his experience.

Edited Date: 7 May 2024 10:32 (UTC)

From:

deuceoftears

Jedao shakes his head.

"It's not...opposite? It's not fake, just - calculated. It's like...one side. And when they see more, they feel like they earned my trust. And I'm earning theirs too, hopefully. That's how friendships usually work, I think."

It can't all be assassinations gone wrong.

From:

abrightboy

“Not for me,” Malcolm admits. “But that might just be…… me.”

From:

deuceoftears

"How do they work for you?" Jedao asks.

From:

abrightboy

“Like I implied: I’m either too weird and off-putting or I cheated them out of knowing that by hiding it,” Malcolm tells him. “I just don’t see how to…. do well.”