“So… I think it’s fair to say he didn’t care about John’s feelings either. He was angry and he cared about dealing with that feeling,” Malcolm suggests. “What do you think?”
"It doesn't excuse harming you, but it explains why he might do something rash and hurtful to someone he loves," Malcolm explains. "What did you argue with John about?"
It doesn't... excuse it, but. I did the same thing with John. I got... scared he was going to not have a... a place in his life for me any more, and angry was safer than scared.
It was over, uh. A friend of his that doesn't like me.
"You were afraid he'd spend time with that friend and learn not to like you, too? That... he'd see what this friend sees? Start to love them more than you?" Malcolm clarifies.
"...Is it accurate?" Malcolm asks? "Did you feel like... you didn't understand how someone who said they loved you could spend time with someone who hurt you and laugh and talk and act like nothing ever happened to you?"
“Does the sound of this friend’s stupid voice make you want to tear his stupid face off and throw it in the incinerator because no matter what you do, you can’t stop feeling like you don’t matter and it’s his stupid fault, but you can’t say so or maybe your closest friend really will love him more than you?” Malcolm asks. You know: hypothetically.
“It happened to me. I think it happens to a lot of people. And… I think it’s important to remember that a person’s heart doesn’t have a finite capacity for love. They’re only going to make a choice if you force them to choose,” Malcolm tells him.
I tried to make John choose. He said no one could make him.
There's a pause, not quite long enough for Malcolm to speak.
And we talked and I understand now what he means, that choosing to love someone doesn't mean you love them more or less than anyone else, it just means you love them for them, but-- but I don't believe it when he's not there saying it to me. And then I think a-about how maybe he would have to choose, some day, maybe there'd be a reason he has to, and if he has to but he won't isn't that the same as not choosing me to begin with?
"That's true. It's true that the universe can be cruel. Is that a reason for us to be... preemptively cruel?" Malcolm leans forward slightly. "I know how much you want... reassurance. But the truth is that we can't control the universe and even if he makes a choice and it's firmly you, the universe can tear two people apart just as easily. All we can control is what we do. Who we are. How we treat the people in our life."
"That's the hard part," Malcolm admits. "That's the really hard part and I wish I knew. I think... talking about it can help. And if you don't feel ready to talk to John about it, you can talk to me. You can scream and cry and vent those feelings as much as you need to. But, while that helps, it doesn't make it disappear. What did this friend of John's do to you?"
"So... I assume he's from the same world as you guys. Why doesn't he think John is the King in Yellow pretending to be someone else? Aren't both of you made from the King but also aren't the King?" Malcolm asks.
He hasn't met Charlie and doesn't know anything about him; he may be the one person on board who couldn't possibly guess who Edwin is talking about.
“It’s my understanding that John did some terrible things when he wasn’t even part of the King anymore. The King in Yellow doesn’t hold a monopoly on cruelty. Not even in your world. But neither of you is the King. And if this person can understand that about John, they can understand it about you. Unless they don’t want to. Have they given any indication about that?” Malcolm asks.
“If someone doesn’t want to engage you, you can’t make them want to. Believe me. I know. And it sucks. But trying and trying is just like banging your head against a wall. Did John suggest he still wants to have time with you?” Malcolm asks.
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Oh, that's....
Oh.
.........
Oh.
That... That makes sense.
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It was over, uh. A friend of his that doesn't like me.
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Did you guess all of that?
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Oh, and it hurts again, too, even with everything John told him that he's trying so hard to believe.
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Did that happen to you? Where you felt that?
Do u wanna talk about it???
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I tried to make John choose. He said no one could make him.
There's a pause, not quite long enough for Malcolm to speak.
And we talked and I understand now what he means, that choosing to love someone doesn't mean you love them more or less than anyone else, it just means you love them for them, but-- but I don't believe it when he's not there saying it to me. And then I think a-about how maybe he would have to choose, some day, maybe there'd be a reason he has to, and if he has to but he won't isn't that the same as not choosing me to begin with?
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How does no one!!! Other than Jedao!!! Understand this!!!
The universe, the universes, they don't care. They don't care how much you want to have two people. Sometimes you just... can't. Can't have both.
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Then how do I stop thinking about it all the time?
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He hates me, because he thinks I'm the King in Yellow pretending to be someone else.
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He hasn't met Charlie and doesn't know anything about him; he may be the one person on board who couldn't possibly guess who Edwin is talking about.
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I... was the King for longer. I was the King that came after John and tried to get him back.
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Except John wasn't a part of the King when the King... did some terrible things.
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They don't want to.
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