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[abrightboy]

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[abrightboy]

"...Is it accurate?" Malcolm asks? "Did you feel like... you didn't understand how someone who said they loved you could spend time with someone who hurt you and laugh and talk and act like nothing ever happened to you?"

[howtheyshine]

Y... Yes.

Oh, and it hurts again, too, even with everything John told him that he's trying so hard to believe.

[abrightboy]

“Does the sound of this friend’s stupid voice make you want to tear his stupid face off and throw it in the incinerator because no matter what you do, you can’t stop feeling like you don’t matter and it’s his stupid fault, but you can’t say so or maybe your closest friend really will love him more than you?” Malcolm asks. You know: hypothetically.

[howtheyshine]

Okay, at a certain point even Edwin can recognize a thing is no longer hypothetical. Well. The face tearing is, but that's not the important part.

Did that happen to you? Where you felt that?

Do u wanna talk about it???

[abrightboy]

“It happened to me. I think it happens to a lot of people. And… I think it’s important to remember that a person’s heart doesn’t have a finite capacity for love. They’re only going to make a choice if you force them to choose,” Malcolm tells him.

[howtheyshine]

He hunches guiltily.

I tried to make John choose. He said no one could make him.

There's a pause, not quite long enough for Malcolm to speak.

And we talked and I understand now what he means, that choosing to love someone doesn't mean you love them more or less than anyone else, it just means you love them for them, but-- but I don't believe it when he's not there saying it to me. And then I think a-about how maybe he would have to choose, some day, maybe there'd be a reason he has to, and if he has to but he won't isn't that the same as not choosing me to begin with?

[abrightboy]

“Is refusing to give someone up for you the same as giving you up?” Malcolm rephrases.

[howtheyshine]

Well-- no, but.

How does no one!!! Other than Jedao!!! Understand this!!!

The universe, the universes, they don't care. They don't care how much you want to have two people. Sometimes you just... can't. Can't have both.

[abrightboy]

"That's true. It's true that the universe can be cruel. Is that a reason for us to be... preemptively cruel?" Malcolm leans forward slightly. "I know how much you want... reassurance. But the truth is that we can't control the universe and even if he makes a choice and it's firmly you, the universe can tear two people apart just as easily. All we can control is what we do. Who we are. How we treat the people in our life."

[howtheyshine]

The little fox ears flick backward, a soft whine squeaking out.

Then how do I stop thinking about it all the time?

[abrightboy]

"That's the hard part," Malcolm admits. "That's the really hard part and I wish I knew. I think... talking about it can help. And if you don't feel ready to talk to John about it, you can talk to me. You can scream and cry and vent those feelings as much as you need to. But, while that helps, it doesn't make it disappear. What did this friend of John's do to you?"

[howtheyshine]

He hunkers down a little more, knowing this would probably make who it is obvious to anyone who's met Charlie.

He hates me, because he thinks I'm the King in Yellow pretending to be someone else.

[abrightboy]

"So... I assume he's from the same world as you guys. Why doesn't he think John is the King in Yellow pretending to be someone else? Aren't both of you made from the King but also aren't the King?" Malcolm asks.

He hasn't met Charlie and doesn't know anything about him; he may be the one person on board who couldn't possibly guess who Edwin is talking about.

[howtheyshine]

It's... complicated, kind of.

I... was the King for longer. I was the King that came after John and tried to get him back.

[abrightboy]

“Couldn’t you just as easily argue that the King isn’t fully the King without John?” Malcolm proposes.

[howtheyshine]

He looks down.

Except John wasn't a part of the King when the King... did some terrible things.

[abrightboy]

“It’s my understanding that John did some terrible things when he wasn’t even part of the King anymore. The King in Yellow doesn’t hold a monopoly on cruelty. Not even in your world. But neither of you is the King. And if this person can understand that about John, they can understand it about you. Unless they don’t want to. Have they given any indication about that?” Malcolm asks.

[howtheyshine]

He gives a very fox-like little growl, resentment creeping in again.

They don't want to.

[abrightboy]

“If someone doesn’t want to engage you, you can’t make them want to. Believe me. I know. And it sucks. But trying and trying is just like banging your head against a wall. Did John suggest he still wants to have time with you?” Malcolm asks.

[howtheyshine]

Edwin sighs and lies down, then drops his head onto his paws.

Yes.

Are he and Jedao the broken ones, that no one else seems to understand the metric they so easily understand with each other? He's wrong, he gets that, all right, fine, but- but he's not. They're not.

[abrightboy]

"You sound... resigned when you say that," Malcolm observes. "Like it's the answer to something. We've barely started asking the questions. Did you think that was where we were going with all this? Is that... do you think that's all we were trying to establish?"

[howtheyshine]

He paws at his muzzle like he's rubbing his face and rests his head on the chair this time, covering his face with one leg.

I just already know that... that it's not about choosing one or the other, that he can love both of us, that him loving someone else doesn't mean he loves me less. I know already. I know I feel the wrong way, that's why I'm here.

[abrightboy]

"You... think your feelings can be wrong?" Malcolm asks.

[howtheyshine]

He starts pawing at his muzzle again, making a softly aggravated noise.

I thought they couldn't but if the things I'm feeling are because of other things that aren't true they're not right.

[abrightboy]

"Feelings aren't facts," Malcolm tells him. "They aren't correct or incorrect. The problem with them is sometimes they're too big for us to handle them and reminding ourselves of the facts around the situation can help rein them in. But in this case... I was only doing that incidentally. I don't know anything about the situation. I need to know what the facts are. Then we can talk about why they make you feel this way and how we can work on that." He tilts his head slightly. "There aren't shortcuts in this work. You said you didn't want to feel this way. Until we examine what's provoking those feelings and how the feelings are connected to it, we can't begin to assuage them, but the examination of those facts doesn't make the feelings somehow wrong. Untying them from the facts now doesn't mean that they were never warranted."