abrightboy | Voicemail (IC Contact Post) NEW

I realize the Admiral probably isn't the most forthcoming. But you know now.

[And still he's here.]

I get it. I just... my point is just that if everyone is going to insist on a divide, there's responsibility on one side. If I could have just gotten away from you so neither of us had to deal with each other, I would have, but I couldn't.

I can't.

I don't actually want there to be a divide, honestly. I don't think you know how much shit I took for being in a relationship with Will Graham. And Jesus was one of the most... closed minded and condescending for it. That's basically what started the argument we were in when you got here. ...Still sorry for spilling that on you, by the way. Anyway, I guess none of us really gets a choice in that; it won't change the basic structure of how the Admiral set things up to work. And I do try to take my responsibilities seriously. But when I push too hard to engage with people who don't want me to - some of them inmates - I get even more shit than I do when I just... let them be. I thought it was my responsibility to try to help them whether they wanted me to or not, because of course they wouldn't if they didn't choose to be here, but it's so important to help them get free. But then there's leaving room for those people to at least have the personal agency of setting their own boundaries and backing off when they say that's what they want, so I've been trying that lately, because I don't want... to be more anyone's problem than I am part of their solution. And I truly don't know what the right answer is, when it comes to the choice between pushing past the resistance to prove that I care about helping them and backing off because someone is shouting in your face that that's what they want and it's right to respect that. I still don't. I know I don't want to just... not deal with you.

My inmate isn't talking to me at the moment. I told him I won't reach out again until he tells me it's okay to. Do you think that's a mistake?

You're not going to get far with insulting Jesus to me, still. Whatever beef you two have - all I'm going to say is he's not close minded or judgmental. I've been to war with the man. We've killed for each other, and he almost got killed for refusing to kill prisoners that absolutely would have killed us if they had the chance, and that we could literally starve if we took them on. Whatever issue you hit with him is not... trivial.

But I'm not in the middle of it. I don't want to be. If you try to do it again, an apology won't cover it. Alright?

I wasn't trying to turn you against him or something. I was tr...

[He stops.]

All right.

[It's audio, so he won't see her slowly raising eyebrow as he starts, but he'll hear the approval when she says, ]

Thank you.

As for the rest - I think you should approach individuals as individuals. There's no one strategy that's going to work for other people and no shortcut to knowing who's who.

Why isn't Walter talking to you?

I don’t really know. He talks in riddles. He didn’t like how I… well, no. He didn’t have a problem so much with how I handled the murder as with what he perceived as the public reception of how I handled the murder. He thinks I don’t understand… something. But I don’t know what because he tells me half sentences and I have to try to fill in the blanks like some sort of demented madlib and if my answers don’t match his answers, I can’t know the next half piece of information. But he was very clear about not wanting me to talk to him. He wrote me a letter.

...yeah.

Sounds like maybe he's got a few trust issues of his own.

Well, of course he does. So I’m trying to show him that I’ll keep my word to him. As a first step.

Yeah.

There are worse first steps. I don't know him, so I can't tell you. You're going to have to work it out with him, and maybe that means waiting until he's ready to try you again.

And hope he doesn't find that terribly insulting.

...What did you think was happening when you got here?

Then he should be a little clearer about what he wants.

[She sighs.]

The last memory I have back home was being shot during a battle with another community. We killed a bunch of their people because they were going around to communities, beating children to death in front of everyone and threatening to do the same to anyone who didn't pay what amounted to a protection fee and we weren't interested in waiting until they did it to us.

So when I woke up here, I thought we'd lost and they'd taken me prisoner. I expected to be beaten to death to prove a point or set an example, or raped by anyone that wanted to, or eaten. Possibly all three. There is nothing I wouldn't have done to keep that from happening, or to force them to kill me quick.

I'm sorry. That's horrific. ...Did it seem weird that people were... trying to be nice? Or was that something they did to put people off guard?

That's how the asshole cannibals that did catch me treated us at first, to keep my group from fighting.

I’m sorry.

...thanks.

If I was uh.

Friendliness and tolerance has been a death sentence for a while.

I can imagine how it must be jarring, having to... people again.

It sucks. There's more people on this boat than I saw in one place in the months between Dallas and Alexandria. Almost more than are in Alexandria at all.

If there've been this many... bodies. Around me for most of that time, most of them were the dead.

And your priorities change. How you interact with people changes.

It would have to. It couldn't not.

That's why I react to you differently than you're probably expecting.

And it's not just you.

Well, I'm kind of weird and off-putting, so it's not just you, either. And I know there are people who think I'm not trying, but... I really am.

I'm sorry for not... picking up on your fundamental existential distress better before.

I can deal with weird and offputting in the long run.

[God knows that before Eugene showed his true colors, she was one of few who associated with him.]

What I got pissed about more than you not picking up on it was... I was trying to explain it to you. You wanted to apologize, I wanted you to know why I was pissed so the apology could mean something.

And you kept wanting to move past it before I could.

Yeah... that's a social cue thing, too. I'm working on it. Sorry.

Mm.

I don't like to... advertise my various...... problems, but Will thinks it would actually help people to understand that there are literally things wrong with me. It's counterintuitive; I've been conditioned all my life to hide it all as much as possible. But. What I'm trying to explain is that I didn't mean to dismiss you. That wasn't what I wanted to do. And as much as me saying that tends to make people say 'so just don't, then', it's just... not that simple? But I really.... I'm really trying. To do better. Especially with... conversations.

I can roll with that.

The next time I explicitly say "stop talking and listen," we'll see how it goes.

And I'll try to do better, too.

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