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[ Will gives him a small smile. ]

Yeah.

You want to talk it over with me? My experience with emotions and their connection to atrocities has been different than yours. I suppose, with my condition, it would have to be.

All I was saying was that psychopaths, for example, have plenty of emotion. It’s just disordered emotion. Sadism is an emotional state, but it’s disordered. Having muted emotions doesn’t make someone prone to harming people in and of itself.

Ah. So in this case, 'normal' emotion is ordered emotion. Properly working, according to psychiatrists. That sort of thing?

[ He'd figured it was something like that, but hadn't entirely been able to parse it in text. ]

Yes. She thinks having muted emotion puts her in the same league of dangerous personality disorder as a guy who cuts people up for science experiments. She thinks he doesn’t even have some kind of disorder to do something like that! She thinks she’s more sick than that sick asshat. And then Jedao tried to tell me that slaughtering people is a function of perfectly normal, ordered emotion! It sure is NOT.

Not of ordered emotion, no. But I think a lot of people would think of 'normal' as common, rather than 'properly working'. That might've been where the disconnect was, there.

[ He's getting up and heading over to Malcolm's desk. He'll start a gentle shoulder rub, if Malcolm will allow it. ]

You know what my very last psychiatrist told me? Not Hannibal, a woman named Bedelia Du Maurier. She said, "extreme acts of cruelty require a high degree of empathy." It was meant to be a dig at me, but...I think she was right, about that one. To know exactly what it is you're doing to someone, and to do it anyway.

But there are a number of smaller cruelties- lesser atrocities- that can be dropped onto people from others of all emotional types...in my experience. Ordered or disordered. Common or unique.

[He definitely allows it, relaxing a little into his touch.]

Well, yes. But my point was that muted emotions alone don't make someone more inclined to cruelty and that there are just as many disorders the feature a high degree of emotionality that also are inclined to cruelty. So her emotional issue doesn't... it's not a factor in her trustworthiness as a physician.

Edited 2024-08-30 01:22 (UTC)

[ Ah, good. He focuses on that for a moment. He's not well-practiced at this yet, but he likes doing it for Malcolm. They can both get pretty damn tense. ]

I agree with that. But...I don't think what you wrote came across that way. Text can be difficult. The way I'd read it- although I knew it couldn't be what you meant, was that you didn't think Shaw was capable of being as bad as Hilbert because she was normal, and normal people don't cause harm.

-part of that is knowing Shaw and knowing that she's more concerned about people being uncomfortable with her as her doctor and that uncomfortableness causing some harm she doesn't understand. I don't think she was concerned that she was going to slide into cutting people up for 'science' or anything. She's got a more solid moral base than that.

Her driving force is protecting people. I'm not worried about her. She's the one that brought up her disorder and my only point was that it's not a driving factor in a propensity to do harm.

Yep. And I agree. But I don't think that came through, with the way you said it. At least that's the impression I get. So maybe tell her exactly that- what you just said- when you see her next? You don't need to get caught up on Hilbert as the bad example.

-and I should take my own advice. I got caught up on that, sorry.

She doesn't care what I think. She thinks I still idealize her and she thinks I don't understand her disorder, like I wouldn't read up on it. I say it's not relevant to whether she can do this job and she hears "I think you're hot and you're only imagining that you can't feel things" and that's so not what I'm saying; I don't know why I even weighed in.

[He presses the heels of his palms against his eyes.]

Jedao is mad at me, though, for saying that atrocities aren't within the realm of normal behaviour and I'm not taking that back.

[He lets his hands drop to the desk and he tilts his head back to try to see Will's face, all upside down as it will appear.]

When can we go on the trip? Can we go, like... this weekend? Or... even Monday?

Shaw does care what you think, at least on some level. If she didn't, she would've stopped talking to you ages ago.

[ It's said gently, but Will can practically feel Malcolm moving on. So he'll follow. By the time Malcolm looks up, Will is smiling down at him, looking oddly proud. ]

Anytime, Malcolm. Lark said he'd take us. I think we should probably only take a couple of days, unfortunately... I'm still sorting out some of Wu Xin's things, and I think he could use someone who doesn't put him on the back burner.

...Okay. [He hoped to go longer. He's trying not to sound disappointed. It's better than nothing. He thinks of a positive thing to bring up.] ...You know if we go 'home' for a couple of days and then come back here, you won't lose your wolf...ness if you get killed because it will be the way you were the last time you arrived here? I got that benefit for my wolfing and my tattoo by getting it done in Japan.

[ Yeah, that's some disappointment there. He figured there might be. Will kisses his forehead. ]

That's true. And once we've been there and settled for a couple days, I'm pretty sure we can go back on our own, whenever we want. So let's plan on slipping away when we can, huh?

[All that makes him smile. It's still a little shaky, but it's genuine.]

Yes. I'd like that. Sometimes... I feel like I should only talk to you. [He bites his lip for a second.] ...Abel asked me for a regular appointment. I have two clients now. [It that exciting or sad? He's defaulting to exciting.]

[ Listen, there's only- at max- a hundred people on board. That any of them ask for therapy is a surprise to Will. He's excited about it, too. ]

Really? That's great. I don't know how you turn around people who are so awful to you sometimes, but you do. I'm glad he's looking to...work on some of what he's got going on.

[ He takes in a deep breath as he slows his shoulder rub, eventually leaning down to give Malcolm a kiss. ]

You're struggling with social conflicts, but you're making progress. Like I said, the disengaging went well- it was better than I could've managed. Although...I wouldn't mind, once we've finally left this place...we could only talk to each other for a decade. That'd be nice.

...maybe two.

[ He's clearly joking, but...if Malcolm took him up on it, he wouldn't be upset either. ]

[The kiss melts more of his tension than even the massage and he smiles lazily in its wake.]

Gil says I’m an acquired taste, so basically I just persist in existing until they get used to it. [That’s how he turns them around. His smile becomes wistful as Will mentions not talking to anyone else for a decade or two when they leave, then it falters. The social conflicts. He pauses.] Do you think you’ll get a permanent inmate soon? Because Walter hates me and I think he’s going to ask for a new Warden soon. I’m not going to get a deal. [He looks up at Will, his brow creasing.] I’m sorry. I messed up. I messed everything up. I tried to fix it, but I can’t.

[ Will frowns with concern. ]

I think Walter hates everyone right now, except for maybe one or two people. He's maneuvering to paint wardens in as bad of a light as he can. He's going after Shaw now, if you've noticed.

It'd probably be better for everyone if he just had a tantrum or a revolt already. As it is, he's trying to play chess, but nobody's seated across from him. Don't let him wear you down, okay?

I told him off for how he spoke to Shaw, but... for the most part he's not talking to me. He gave me a... [He pauses and takes a folded piece of paper out of his desk and holds it up for Will to take.] He made me solve a riddle to find this letter. And it wasn't worth it.

[ Will grabs the paper and groans at it. ]

Oh, he is lucky he's not my inmate. Or damn near anyone else's on this boat, to be honest.

Listen, Malcolm. I told him when he first came with his board games, pretending that he wasn't there exclusively to try and get me to 'handle' you. I said you were not only dealing with complex trauma, but that you were autistic and also had physical damage to contend with. I went into the unique and varied circumstances we all deal with on the Barge. I'd hoped he would give you a little more leeway, but what did he do?

[ His voice is not rising. Rather, it's flattening. Flattening to a string of condemnations, judgment at the gall of this man. ]

He started tone policing you. He used tactics that resemble a common Twitter troll to try to get you 'canceled' on board. He twists words whenever he gets a hold of them. He's giving you rules- rules you both know you're only remotely following out of the goodness of your heart. He wants to smother you under a blanket of social pressure.

Let him crash and burn against the other wardens if he wants to. His shell might need to crack a little, so he can finally admit to the fear he's carrying in his heart.

[ He finally stops, realizes he's pacing back and forth, and lets out a deliberate breath. When he speaks again, his voice is far gentler again. ]

You haven't failed him. And you certainly don't need to apologize to me about it. We don't need a deal right away. We have all the time in the world now. Okay?

Edited (formatting) 2024-08-31 00:34 (UTC)

[Malcolm watches him, rapt. He's felt like there was a darkness in this... a manipulation and simultaneous demand for him to feel particular things that didn't sit right with him. They felt... Martinesque.

But he always questions whether it's him. His issues. His damage.]

...You think... I didn't do it wrong? It's just... something he's doing? [He lowers his voice.] It felt like what my father does but I thought... I mean... sometimes I imagine it.

You're not imagining it. I don't know if you realize, how far you've come in the time you've been here.

[ He smiles, thinking about it. But he realizes something else and it drops. ]

...oh. You can add love-bombing to the list too, by the way. I suspect he thought you'd be a kowtowing patzi if you did get paired and he's mad you're less controllable than he thought. Now he's trying to freeze you out.

Love-bombing? B.... oh. Oh, it does fit that pattern. We're in the devaluation stage. [He frowns and looks up at Will again.] It was working. I thought I was pretty inured to that sort of emotional abuse. [His expression crumples a little bit.] That's what Dr Whitly did. Even the last time I saw him, when I wouldn't fold like he wanted... he said he was a good father, but I was never a good son.

[ There's a moment, when Malcolm mentions what Martin said, that Will's face twists into sheer, murderous rage. If Martin appeared in front of him right now, Will would snap his neck with no preamble.

Luckily, he's not. And this isn't what Malcolm needs right now, either. Will squeezes his hand into a fist and takes a deep, slow breath. ]

That's so...uniquely cruel to you, Malcolm. I'm sorry.

[ Another couple of evening breaths and Will finally sounds like he's not going to growl out the rest of the conversation. ]

I believe you didn't notice it with Walter because of how it was implemented. He's focused on hitting your weaker points.

[Malcolm looks disappointed, more than anything. He'd made the gesture of being very open with Walter. He'd hoped trust would be reciprocated, not abused.]

On purpose?

I suspect so.

[ Will opens his mouth, but closes it before he says anything else. He sighs. ]

He is scared on some level, I think. Maybe he thinks that justifies what he's doing.

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