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[abrightboy]

 This is Bright. Leave a message.

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[abrightboy]

[Malcolm smiles.] Well, the point of this is for you to be comfortable, so you float wherever you like and, when you're ready, tell me what's on your mind.

[greatoldjohn]

I thought that was rather obvious.

[ He does choose the chair. ]

But perhaps not.

For one, I...

My inmate has been to several counselors. I can read that word, and I've asked enough to know what it means, but I don't know what receiving 'counseling' is like.

For another, I-

I don't see why I shouldn't ask for help in my own journey towards... becoming what I should have been.

[abrightboy]

Everyone can use help sometimes. I've been in counselling since I was eleven years old. What is it that you feel you 'should' have been?

[greatoldjohn]

[ He wonders how this is going to go over. ]

A person.

[ A pause before he explains. ]

An actual person. Not a fragment of the King in Yellow. Not an elder god. Not a monster. Not some thing that only cares about whether something is useful or insignificant.

I want to be more than that.

I want to be better than that.

But it's not- I can make that decision, but even now I don't entirely know what it means. Not in the way you do, or Arthur does.

[abrightboy]

[Malcolm's eyebrows go up faintly. That isn't what he was expecting, but he offers a soft smile.]

That's interesting, because I already thought of you as a person. Not of the same physical composition as me or Arthur, but whole and complete if we're talking about a... a soul or whatever words you want to put to the essence of what a person is. Is it a physical body that you think you're missing or... more than that?

[greatoldjohn]

It's not about the body, Malcolm.

[ He's not here to talk about his lack of corporeal form. That, in perspective, is an easy fix. ]

This... perspective. The meaning I've chosen to give to my existence, to Arthur's, to Natalie's even. To yours. Caring about people. Loving people. I-

[ More quietly. ]

I love someone. And in the future, I hurt them. But not because I didn't love them. Because I did. I do. And it's- it's infuriating and- and it makes me want to tear myself apart.

I keep fucking up. I know I'm going to fuck up; it's inevitable. But- but maybe this can help me fuck up less. Because I don't want to hurt him. He gets hurt enough as it is.

[abrightboy]

That's definitely the dilemma of a person. How do you hurt this person? What would you have to do to stop it from happening?

[greatoldjohn]

It's... hard for him to trust. To open up. To offer parts of himself, of his past. He's done it a few times with me, and I-

Most of the time, I treasure those moments. When he tells me a poem he loves, o-or when he tells me about something important to him.

Or someone important to him.

I feel... honored. Like I've been given something special, something significant. It means so much to him and so it means- it means a lot to me.

But when he- [ no, this isn't about Arthur, this is about him ] when I get angry or frustrated, when I feel like he isn't listening or he's blocking me out, I- I panic. I grab, for anything, for everything. As if I could... jam that memory into him and hold on to keep him when it feels like he's ignoring me or wishes I'd never come into his life at all.

Digging into people's hearts, whispering doubts and horrors into their ears... that's what I was. Undermining people, making them tear themselves apart, driving them mad. That's what I was. It's- it's power. I know that.

I don't want it.

I don't want to be like that. But I do. And I did. And I can't-

I can't undo it. Even though I haven't done it yet. And I hate that.

[abrightboy]

So what you're looking for is maybe some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, where you learn to substitute new habits or behaviours for ones that are destructive to your goals and relationships.

[greatoldjohn]

...I... guess?

[ Normal people have that? ]

[abrightboy]

[It's painfully normal.]

Well, why don't we set up a weekly appointment and I'll teach you some techniques. It'll take time and you have to put in the work, but you can change the things you want to change.

[greatoldjohn]

[ There's a solution. That is... that is incredible. And strangely comforting. It makes him feel like maybe he isn't as far behind as he tends to think he is.]

All right. That sounds reasonable. I'd like that.

Thank you, Malcolm.

[abrightboy]

[Malcolm smiles at him.

That's what I'm here for.

[greatoldjohn]

[ He's quiet for a moment before-]

Can we start now?