Voicemail (IC Contact Post) OLD - at capcha

[abrightboy]

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[therebedragons]

"I have awareness up to a point. Generally." He scratches his head then reaches for the scotch again.

"But somewhere in the rush of adrenaline, the rage, the pain and taste of copper in my mouth I lose myself when it all builds up and overtakes me and I ..." He drinks hissing softly.

"I let that darkness consume me." He shakes his head, "At some point, I come to, either when I'm being yanked back or sometimes when a voice of authority reaches me. I don't know. Something breaks through and pulls me from it and when I see what I've done it's always enough to sober me enough to stop." His brow knits.

"I don't enjoy being a monster. I kill to survive. I kill when it's necessary but I don't like to do it. I was a soldier before I was a pirate, and I've done terrible things. Things I had no other choice but to do to survive and to make sure my men survived."

[abrightboy]

"I understand that," Malcolm tells him. "And it is possible to stop. But you have to want to. You have to want to give it up. And if you're at that point, I can help you with it."

[therebedragons]

"It's not that simple." He growls but takes a breath.

"How?"

[abrightboy]

"Therapy to help you process your trauma. Cognitive behavioural therapy to help you change your thought patterns and habits. It takes time, this kind of work. You won't be a changed man overnight." Malcolm considers him. "But why isn't it that 'simple'?" he asks. "Is it because the other pirates on board will pose a problem?"

[therebedragons]

"Because if I'm really pissed off and I'm kicking the shit out of someone I really want to make bleed, then there's a point where my brain and awareness switches off and won't come back until there's some outside influence. I don't have control of myself." He frowns.

"There are plenty of factors." Including a stubbornness where he may not want to fully let go of the only thing that's kept him alive. His rage and his fire, fuel his passion. It's such a huge part of him he's terrified to think of what it would be like if he switched it all off somehow.

"Certainly no short number of people I would like to see bleed."

[abrightboy]

"We'll have to consider what triggers the fugue state," Malcolm tells him. "Your 'blackouts'. You can stop that from happening if you mitigate the triggers. As for wanting to see certain people bleed... that's a normal enough urge. It becomes a problem when it's acted upon. As long as you can control yourself, you're fine."

[therebedragons]

James sighs softly and drags a hand through his hair, "I don't know what triggers it other than my rage, something they say, the feel of my fists hitting someone or the taste of blood? I don't know... I just, I get dangerously into it and then I'm gone." He shakes his head.

"As long as I control myself. That's the rub isn't it?" He frowns.

[abrightboy]

“I’m not suggesting it’s easy, but that control, that changing of your innate patterns is something therapy can help with,” Malcolm tells him. “The first step of change is wanting to change. You seem to want it. Do you know why you want it?”

[therebedragons]

"You mean other than the fact that it's pretty fucking terrifying when I come out of it and see what I've done? It makes me sick to my stomach." He drinks down whatever is in his glass and promptly pours another.

"There's... plenty of reasons I don't know if I feel like admitting. I still don't know if you're going to go out there and use my weaknesses against me." He's eying the man warily.

"I'm not getting out of here if I don't change, right? I don't get my life back." His life with Raylan. He made a promise.

[abrightboy]

"You want to leave here. With Raylan. That's natural."

He can't make James trust him, so he doesn't even address that part.

"The first part of changing a pattern is recognizing it before it happens. Does all violence spur this... fugue state in you?"

[therebedragons]

A pregnant pause follows as he takes that question into full consideration.

"No. Not all violence."

[abrightboy]

"When does it not?" Malcolm asks.

[therebedragons]

"You must understand I have been through a lot of violence, being a Pirate Captain means that's a given." He shrugs.

"I suppose it depends on the situation, for instance, whether or not I feel my life is threatened, or if I am in enough pain or pushed to certain limits. It depends on how much my opponents are running their mouths and pissing me off and whom they are insulting. Certain lines must be crossed, I must be pushed beyond my limits of patience or control to snap. But once I hit that mark I am blinded by my rage and lose myself."

[abrightboy]

"Okay, those are good observations. So the first step of anger management, in this case, is to cut your rage off at the triggers, one at a time. Let's start with people angering you with their words. You need to learn how to reframe what they're saying or how to dismiss it. Do you understand what that means?"