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[abrightboy]

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[abrightboy]

"Did you return to consciousness at the scene or later? How did you know you did... whatever you did when you blacked out?" Malcolm asks him.

[therebedragons]

"At the scene, someone pulled me off the other bloke before I could kill him. Damn near succeeded though. And he was a rich little bastard so I got my hide lashed and I was sent into indentured servitude with the house to make up for the damage. The boy wasn't half as pretty after I was through and that was going to cost him his whole life trying to find a rich little piece of ass to marry I'd imagine." He shrugs.

"I knew what I'd done, didn't make it any less terrifying to know and that I had no control over myself. That I'd almost killed that boy. Dunno what was a worse feeling, being unable to control myself or recognizing the part of me wishing I'd succeeded in killing him."

[abrightboy]

"Well. The impulse to violence is normal. The thing that distinguishes us from a stag or a bull or a ram is that the frontal lobe of our brains provides a complex system of self-regulation. Brakes, as it were, that allow us to stop and think about whether that course of action actually benefits our long term welfare. Did you ever experience violence as a child before that happened? Was violence ever committed against you?" Malcolm asks.

[therebedragons]

There's a pause and a look at the other that said he was honestly surprised he would even ask that. Not because he was clutching his pearls but because he thought it was obvious.

"Of course." Didn't everybody? Violence in homes, towards children, it wasn't that uncommon. They had kids working in sweatshops. Dying on the streets. He was bullied. He was abused.

"I probably saw plenty of things no kid should. I ..." And yet, he chokes on it, it's hard to put into words. How could anyone understand to know unless they experienced it.

"My Grandfather did the best he could to raise me. He was just a poor fisherman and my father wanted nothing to do with me. He was out at sea most of the time, I barely saw him." He knew nothing about his mother. He occasionally saw his father but after a time, after he left for the Navy, he hadn't heard from either of them. He has no idea if any of his family are alive.

[abrightboy]

"Intense childhood trauma is a major blockage to work through," Malcolm tells him. "And it can lead to the sort of black out rages that you've described. When was the last time you experienced one of those episodes?"

[therebedragons]

His eyes wonder around the room a moment in thought.

"When my--" He almost says Wife but they weren't ever married. They may as well been. But he's not with her anymore, she still means so much to him, in so many different ways but calling her his wife now seems out of place.

"When Miranda was murdered in front of me. I lunged at the man who shot her." He shakes his head.

"I lost myself for a moment but it didn't last. Prior to that, the full brunt of my rage was taken out on another man I beat to death on the deck of my ship, the Walrus. He had been trying to turn the crew against me and raise the votes to oust me as Captain so he could take over. It came down to an accusation of theft and a duel to the death. It was me or him. Somewhere in the pounding of my fists against his face, I lost track of how many times I hit him. The world fell away. I'm not sure why I stopped, maybe it was the silence around me that pulled me from it."

[abrightboy]

"So the more recent episodes involved some awareness of your surroundings and your actions?" Malcolm clarifies, writing something in his notes.

[therebedragons]

"I have awareness up to a point. Generally." He scratches his head then reaches for the scotch again.

"But somewhere in the rush of adrenaline, the rage, the pain and taste of copper in my mouth I lose myself when it all builds up and overtakes me and I ..." He drinks hissing softly.

"I let that darkness consume me." He shakes his head, "At some point, I come to, either when I'm being yanked back or sometimes when a voice of authority reaches me. I don't know. Something breaks through and pulls me from it and when I see what I've done it's always enough to sober me enough to stop." His brow knits.

"I don't enjoy being a monster. I kill to survive. I kill when it's necessary but I don't like to do it. I was a soldier before I was a pirate, and I've done terrible things. Things I had no other choice but to do to survive and to make sure my men survived."

[abrightboy]

"I understand that," Malcolm tells him. "And it is possible to stop. But you have to want to. You have to want to give it up. And if you're at that point, I can help you with it."

[therebedragons]

"It's not that simple." He growls but takes a breath.

"How?"

[abrightboy]

"Therapy to help you process your trauma. Cognitive behavioural therapy to help you change your thought patterns and habits. It takes time, this kind of work. You won't be a changed man overnight." Malcolm considers him. "But why isn't it that 'simple'?" he asks. "Is it because the other pirates on board will pose a problem?"

[therebedragons]

"Because if I'm really pissed off and I'm kicking the shit out of someone I really want to make bleed, then there's a point where my brain and awareness switches off and won't come back until there's some outside influence. I don't have control of myself." He frowns.

"There are plenty of factors." Including a stubbornness where he may not want to fully let go of the only thing that's kept him alive. His rage and his fire, fuel his passion. It's such a huge part of him he's terrified to think of what it would be like if he switched it all off somehow.

"Certainly no short number of people I would like to see bleed."

[abrightboy]

"We'll have to consider what triggers the fugue state," Malcolm tells him. "Your 'blackouts'. You can stop that from happening if you mitigate the triggers. As for wanting to see certain people bleed... that's a normal enough urge. It becomes a problem when it's acted upon. As long as you can control yourself, you're fine."

[therebedragons]

James sighs softly and drags a hand through his hair, "I don't know what triggers it other than my rage, something they say, the feel of my fists hitting someone or the taste of blood? I don't know... I just, I get dangerously into it and then I'm gone." He shakes his head.

"As long as I control myself. That's the rub isn't it?" He frowns.

[abrightboy]

“I’m not suggesting it’s easy, but that control, that changing of your innate patterns is something therapy can help with,” Malcolm tells him. “The first step of change is wanting to change. You seem to want it. Do you know why you want it?”

[therebedragons]

"You mean other than the fact that it's pretty fucking terrifying when I come out of it and see what I've done? It makes me sick to my stomach." He drinks down whatever is in his glass and promptly pours another.

"There's... plenty of reasons I don't know if I feel like admitting. I still don't know if you're going to go out there and use my weaknesses against me." He's eying the man warily.

"I'm not getting out of here if I don't change, right? I don't get my life back." His life with Raylan. He made a promise.

[abrightboy]

"You want to leave here. With Raylan. That's natural."

He can't make James trust him, so he doesn't even address that part.

"The first part of changing a pattern is recognizing it before it happens. Does all violence spur this... fugue state in you?"

[therebedragons]

A pregnant pause follows as he takes that question into full consideration.

"No. Not all violence."

[abrightboy]

"When does it not?" Malcolm asks.

[therebedragons]

"You must understand I have been through a lot of violence, being a Pirate Captain means that's a given." He shrugs.

"I suppose it depends on the situation, for instance, whether or not I feel my life is threatened, or if I am in enough pain or pushed to certain limits. It depends on how much my opponents are running their mouths and pissing me off and whom they are insulting. Certain lines must be crossed, I must be pushed beyond my limits of patience or control to snap. But once I hit that mark I am blinded by my rage and lose myself."

[abrightboy]

"Okay, those are good observations. So the first step of anger management, in this case, is to cut your rage off at the triggers, one at a time. Let's start with people angering you with their words. You need to learn how to reframe what they're saying or how to dismiss it. Do you understand what that means?"