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[abrightboy]

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[empathicfault]

Will looks at Malcolm, the tears luckily staying in his eyes for now. He nods in sympathy at hearing Malcolm's story. He knows why it would feel similar.

The question takes another couple moments to answer, as Will collects himself. "It is when the idea first took root in my mind, yes. I couldn't-" Another sigh. He's starting to feel as if he's made of sighs. "Hannibal escaped. And yet he was still constantly on my mind. I couldn't focus on anything else, just- regretting my decisions. Wishing I had stopped him. Wishing I'd gone with him. And one of those is obviously wrong, right?" His lips curl up into a sad excuse for a smile. "So I kept looking for a solution, and- that was all I could come up with, to stop the madness."

[abrightboy]

“To kill yourself and take him with you. To stop him and go with him.” Malcolm pauses. “…Do you think that you’ve absorbed too much of him to… purge him completely?”

[empathicfault]

He looks at his hands, open-palmed in that way that Malcolm might recognize as one imagining blood on them. "I don't know," replies Will. "I told him once that we were conjoined, that we wouldn't survive separation. But here I am, by myself in a place that's supposed to be about helping. That seems sincere." He says it like he wants to believe it.

"I'm still not sure I should've taken the Admiral's deal. I was done. It was...a beautiful end to us, I thought."

[abrightboy]

“It’s still the end of Hannibal and Will. But he victimized you. He manipulated you to turn you into something you didn’t want to be. You don’t think maybe you deserve a chance to be Just Will?” Malcolm asks.

[empathicfault]

"I have never known who that is," Will replies sincerely, near-replicating the small smile that Malcolm gives him at the beginning of every session. "And I don't know if I'm going to find it here, with all these strong personalities. But-" He looks back, through to the main space and towards the rest of the ship. "I guess I've got time to try. I would like to know what I can make of myself now."

[abrightboy]

“It might help to think more of… what makes you feel good about yourself and what makes you feel bad. Rather than trying to figure yourself out wholecloth, just take it one step at a time. And take the decompression time you need.” It seems a reasonable path forward, but then he looks about to ask something, hesitates, then just… says it. “Do you miss him?”

[empathicfault]

"Like I ripped my own heart out and threw it in a fire," Will replies in almost a whisper. He nods in a way that almost seems more like a tic. He's remembering that night, when they finally understood each other fully.

"I'll try to take it in steps," he adds, still subdued but trying to work his way back to something more 'together.'

[abrightboy]

“It’s not… wrong, to feel that way. As long as you understand that what he made you suffer was abuse and that you’re better off without that in your life. He left a void but it’s more like… cutting out cancerous tissue,” Malcolm suggests.

[empathicfault]

There's a small part of him that seriously considers that, because what Hannibal has done to him is abuse. It's toxic, torture- whatever you want to point to, Hannibal has done it.

But Hannibal has also guided his hand, shown him beauty, shared in Will's gathered and newfound agency. He can't ignore that, either.

He shuts his eyes tight, and this time a couple tears manage to squeeze their way out. He reaches up to shamelessly wipe them off his face. He's used to crying inconveniently, at this point. "Yeah. I'll keep that in mind. Maybe something...better can grow in its place."

[abrightboy]

It’s not like Malcolm never cries.

“You know… the biggest and worst problems in my life were because of my father, but… not everything that he left with me was bad. If you want to hold on to something… something that was… special…. There’s nothing wrong with that, either.”

[empathicfault]

He rubs at his face a few more times as he thinks that over. "Yeah, I suppose not. They were few and far between, but- I found him in an art gallery in Florence once. We enjoyed the Boticelli exhibit. Nothing wrong with that."

Not until Will tried to stab him, anyway. But that was after they'd left.

"It makes it harder, when there are good things mixed in. Doesn't it?" he asks quietly. "Like you have to, somehow, judge pieces of a person, not the whole."

[abrightboy]

Malcolm nods grimly.

“Relationships are complicated. Love is complicated. And it doesn’t go away just because you want it to or just because you realize it’s bad for you. …Your stories… you never mention anyone in your life that you really could rely on.”

[empathicfault]

"There wasn't much," Will concedes. "My Dad tried, but he was a single parent and a cop- it's a lot to juggle when you've got a 'special needs' sort of kid. I kind of floated through everything else. My time at the FBI was...not supportive. The one person I found recently, she- I ruined it."

He looks up at Malcolm. "I mentioned I was married. Molly- she was fantastic. Supportive and beautiful. She liked dogs as much as I did. And she was innocent. She didn't know the world I'd run away from, even after I told her. She didn't know until Hannibal sent the Great Red Dragon to her house to kill her and Walter. All because I couldn't say no to..." He searches for a word. "-hunting again."

He has gotten off track, he realizes. He didn't mean for that to go so sour. "But the couple of years I had with her were good. I felt relatively safe, for a short while."

[abrightboy]

“She left after that?” Malcolm clarifies. “You weren’t in touch anymore afterwards?”

[empathicfault]

"We couldn't go back home, not until the Dragon was taken care of," Will explains. "He wasn't used to failure, he would've just gone after them again. I talked to her and Walter in the hospital and- we weren't the same people we'd been when I'd seen her last."

The look she'd given him was heartbreaking, and he'd put it on her face. "I resolved to finish things- with the Dragon, with Hannibal- one way or another. So that's where we left it."

[abrightboy]

"Did she blame you?" Malcolm asks.

[empathicfault]

"She was trying really, really hard not to," Will replies. "I think if Walter hadn't been there, it would've been a lot easier for her."

[abrightboy]

Malcolm watches him for a long moment.

"Do you blame you?"

[empathicfault]

"Yes."

It's quiet, but he's not denying it.

[abrightboy]

“Do you ever blame him?” Malcolm asks.

[empathicfault]

Will breaks into a bit of laughter, and he realizes it sounds rather unhinged. "That is why I tried to kill him multiple times, yes."

He shakes his head a bit, calming down. "But this one- it's on me. He'd turned himself in after I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. He put himself in that same damn hospital so I would 'always know where to find' him. All I had to do? Was not go there."

[abrightboy]

“Easier said than done,” Malcolm points out.

[empathicfault]

"Sure is," Will agrees. "But I still was the one who made the choice."

Thinking about it, he adds, "You know, I can lay some blame on Jack Crawford as well. He pulled me back in, knowing full well what was likely to happen. I told him no, multiple times, and he showed me photos of the victims. There's...plenty of blame to go around."

[abrightboy]

“Why did he care about his solve rate more than he cared about you? What was his damage ?” Malcolm asks.

[empathicfault]

"That's a good question," Will notes, as if he could possibly be objective about it. "He'd always instinctively thought of me as a tool to be used, but- he used to at least feel bad about it. I think he... hardened after he lost his wife. It became all about work. And it is important work."

He doubts either of them could argue that. "That doesn't mean I'm okay with him deciding I'm a sacrificial lamb for the cause."