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The kiss is enthusiastically received, and Will finds himself practically falling into those eyes as they open.

"Hi," he responds, one hand moving up to brush the backs of his fingers over Malcolm's cheek. "I missed you. But I'm glad you did this, too. You deserve a beautiful thing, just for you. Something that'll remind you of how strong and unique you are, and what a wonderful thing that is."

“When you can come, I’ll go again. I want to share it with you. I want to share everything with you,” Malcolm breathes.

"Everything," Will repeats. "We'll make it happen. And Japan- any Japan- would be a fun place to explore with you. Especially if their food agrees with you," he adds, with a tiny smirk.

Besides, they have people to visit in a Japan now. Even though Will has made a list out for the both of them, it still feels weird to have people who want them around. That there's a 'them' in the first place still feels like a miracle.

“Speaking of which… now that you brought it up, I could eat at least three bites. Did Neal drop anything off?” he asks, grabbing Will’s hand so he can head over to the kitchen without creating any physical distance between them.

"Of course he did," Will replies, with a small smile. "I...really need to learn how to cook, properly, or we're never going to eat anything when we eventually leave. I don't want to be going to Raylan's every weekend, looking like a college student asking his parents to do his laundry."

Not an experience he's been through, but he's heard about it from his Academy students often enough.

"Three bites, huh? That's practically ravenous, for you. Come on, then. I'll heat something up." He squeezes Malcolm's shoulder- the not-tattooed one, just in case- and moves past him to head to the kitchen.

Malcolm sticks close, even more underfoot than Winston, but talking a lot more.

"Kiryu says hi, by the way. I didn't tell him communication broke down between me and Shaw, like, ten seconds after he left. I talked to Jedao right before I left; I didn't get to talk to you about it. I didn't get to talk to anyone about it yet. Neal told me that when I spoke to him I should make sure that he respects me, because when I felt a little... chastised in Kiryu's mediation sessions, knowing that he respects me really helped me maintain perspective. But he basically said he doesn't respect more than like two people in the universe and I'm not one of them but neither is Shaw so do you think that puts us on equal footing or... do you think it would be a mistake to get into that? Because I kind of agreed to try a session after the Breach, whenever that happens. Should be soon. But, I mean, I didn't sign a contract or anything. But also if I don't try Jedao, I don't think there's anyone else Shaw will even agree to."

Will lets Malcolm talk for a little while, while he starts pulling the food together. Also, it's generally good to let Malcolm go, for at least a little while. There's always a few thoughts to get out.

He used to think he'd miss the quiet, when they spent more time together. He spends much more time missing this.

"I don't think it's a mistake. I don't respect many people, either, if I'm honest. But the important thing is that he treats you both with an equal level of respect. And that- it sounds like he does. He respects you enough to be honest, and that's valuable." He looks over at Malcolm. "I know you and he haven't always gotten along together, but he's kept trying to work it out with you. It's worth a try."

Malcolm gives that serious consideration. He runs this stuff by Will because Will sees him clearly and cares about what's best for him.

After a moment, he nods.

"I do think he's interested in being fair. I asked him about the thing where I thought he would find Shaw's side of things easier to understand and relate to."

Will also doesn't offer up his opinion unless Malcolm wants it, because the guy has had enough people telling him what he needs to change about himself or do differently, or any of it. He suspects that's where Jedao and Malcolm butted heads before.

Instead, Will has a copious amount of compliments, true things Malcolm should've heard a dozen- hundred- times over, and hasn't. Will's trying to make up for lost time, and he's happy to do so.

Regarding the worry about mediation, Will nods. "It should help, addressing some of your concerns before you try again. He'll be able to keep that in mind. Did he say anything in particular about it?"

Edited 2024-03-20 01:24 (UTC)

"He said being able to understand Shaw's side more easily just meant he had to work harder to make sure he was fair," Malcolm tells him. He stands on his tippy-toes to look over Will's shoulder at the food. "Is that fish? It smells good."

"That's a good response," Will says quietly, almost to himself.

And to Malcolm- "Mmhmm. It's one of the few things I probably could cook, if I wanted. But now it just needs heating up a bit." Which he is doing on the stove, as the instructions requested.

Malcolm rests his chin on Will's shoulder since it's there.

"I only have to go to one session. If I don't like it, I don't have to go to anymore," he says, almost like he's reminding himself. He slides his arms around Will's waist. "At our last mediation... I decided that if it doesn't work out...... then it doesn't work out. I'm willing to compromise a certain amount but not to the point of... of being someone else. She still thinks masking is a responsibility I have and that she's qualified to say so just because she does it. She thinks it's our social duty. But I can't. I can't go back to that."

The weight of Malcolm on his shoulder makes him smile. He hums a bit, thinking over the masking issue. "And you shouldn't. She might not understand how devastating it is for you, to go through that. For her, not expressing the few emotions she has, following the 'social rules' as she hears them and tweaking her reactions according to feedback- well, I'm not going to say it's good for her either. But it's easier for her."

He holds up a finger and takes a moment to flip the fish bites. "She just has to put her feelings in a container, maybe pull them out every so often and shuffle through them. You, on the other hand, have...feelings more like wriggling snakes, and trying to get them to stay in the container is a lot more difficult, and you have to make sure it's tightly sealed. You have to expend a lot more energy to mask than she does, and I don't think she understands that. And-"

He takes a moment to sigh and run his tongue along his teeth. "I don't even know if it'd be a good argument to make. Like I said, I don't think masking is good for her, either. She's just shutting down parts that don't 'fit.' It makes it difficult to know what's her normal brain function and what's repressed."

"I did tell her that I thought it would be better if she didn't mask. I asked if I'd ever really seen her. She doesn't seem to think she's fundamentally different when she's masking. But I am. I don't even like that me."

He smiles faintly.

"Wriggling snakes. Yeah. That is what it's like. Herding snakes."

Will tilts his head to the side to give Malcolm an amused smile. "Good thing I like snakes," he murmurs, then kisses the side of Malcolm's head. "And you've only made me fonder of them. We can help wrangle them together. Calm 'em down."

He looks back to the food, plating it with more skill than he would cop to. "I don't think Shaw knows when she's masking, always. I could be way off base, but she's been through major trauma and that skews anything that's worked as a coping mechanism before. But- ultimately, it doesn't matter. It's different for you. And compromising shouldn't have to entail compromising your own self-image."

Malcolm lets go of Will so he can manoeuvre their plates to the kitchen island.

"She doesn't really think of it as masking. She thinks of it as 'controlling our behaviour', which we should - in her view - absolutely be able to do, regardless of whether we can control our feelings. And since we absolutely can do it, as far as she's concerned, then there's no excuse to ever not."

"Except, as I mentioned, I don't think it's good for her either. I think it just hurts her less on a single-case basis. But-"

He heaves another sigh- not particularly upset, he just sighs when he's thinking a lot. And he follows Malcolm to the other side of the island.

"The crux of it is that she absolutely doesn't think it's a big deal, and is trying but struggling with treating it as a serious issue, because it is for you. And you are- sometimes, I think- over-identifying what counts as masking and what counts as more minor inconveniences. Understandably, because you're coming out of a long period of masking. You have to relearn how to interact with people in a more straightforward manner, and you've been working hard at that. But there's going to be times when it's more difficult to keep up, and Shaw seems to bring that out of you."

Malcolm takes a bite out of one of the bites, considering that as he chews.

"What counts as a minor inconvenience?" he asks curiously. Then, quickly, he explains "One of the big problems I have in our conversations and then in our sessions is that she thinks she's giving me... instructional information, but it's not instructional. I outright asked what behaviours she thought I should or could control, because I can't control all behaviour at all times. But I never got an answer that... was an answer. I never got information that was actionable. And if I can't see the line between masking and minor inconveniences because they were all under one category of behaving... unnaturally for me, then I'm never going to see it if she just says 'behave properly'."

Edited 2024-03-20 21:34 (UTC)

"Ah," Will says, nodding a bit. "It might be that you're approaching that from different angles. I don't think she can give you particular examples. And I don't think she should, either. It wouldn't be satisfying to either of you. You're going to have to decide what you think is big or little on your own. Which...I know all the feelings are a lot. I think, the more you look at them, though? You'll find some tells for the ones you can't deal with and the others you might be able to wrangle if you practice with them."

He nabs one of the bites and pops it in his mouth, finishing it before continuing. "It'll take trial and error, and not everyone's going to agree with you. But you knowing what's important for you to have mastery over is going to be very helpful. It'll help you focus your energy on what you desire." Not what he needs to do, what he wants. It's an important distinction, in Will's mind.

"But... she says the problem is the stuff I do that annoys her," Malcolm reasons. "How does... how does figuring out what I can and want to master have any bearing on that?"

"Well..." Will looks up to the ceiling. "If you know what is and what isn't a an acceptable compromise for you to make, then you know whether or not you're willing to help her out and work on it when she tells you something annoys her."

He's not sure that'll get through either, so he clarifies early. "You and Shaw both like rules. You feel comfortable with them. But her telling you that you 'have' to change your behavior doesn't make it so. You can always decide what you do and do not want to entertain."

Malcolm takes the other half of his first bite and chews thoughtfully.

"That makes sense. Okay. But... here's a thing: I agreed to stop asking about something if she tells me to stop - and I have - but now she just... stops every serious topic of conversation. If she wants to be my friend, how does it make sense to never have a real conversation? I feel like she's overusing it now, but she says I've been trying to 'get around' it. I don't see how to develop a relationship with someone without talking."

"She might be overusing it. It might be some measure of avoidance, or just trying to test the boundaries she's set to see if you 'break' on them. No matter what it is, it's not on you to fix."

He looks up again and leans back a bit on his stool. "Honestly, the most you can do is show her that you respect her ability to put boundaries where she thinks she needs them. Just try to do what you said you would. She'll approach closer when she's ready. It might just need time.

"And during that time-" he adds, his eyes sparkling. "You'll just have to settle for hanging out with me more."

Malcolm smiles at that. "Can we work on my Becoming some more? I feel like everything will make more sense if I can get there. Or, at least, will have more perspective and not wound me as much."

Will smiles back, but his is a bit sharper. "Did you notice I was working that in? Or were you just thinking about it? Because I agree with you."

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Re: During Malcolm's Japan Trip

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Re: During Malcolm's Japan Trip

Re: During Malcolm's Japan Trip

Re: During Malcolm's Japan Trip

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Re: During Malcolm's Japan Trip

Re: During Malcolm's Japan Trip

Re: During Malcolm's Japan Trip

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Re: During Malcolm's Japan Trip

Re: During Malcolm's Japan Trip

Re: During Malcolm's Japan Trip

Re: During Malcolm's Japan Trip

Re: During Malcolm's Japan Trip