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From:

abrightboy

Malcolm lets go of Will so he can manoeuvre their plates to the kitchen island.

"She doesn't really think of it as masking. She thinks of it as 'controlling our behaviour', which we should - in her view - absolutely be able to do, regardless of whether we can control our feelings. And since we absolutely can do it, as far as she's concerned, then there's no excuse to ever not."

From:

empathicfault

"Except, as I mentioned, I don't think it's good for her either. I think it just hurts her less on a single-case basis. But-"

He heaves another sigh- not particularly upset, he just sighs when he's thinking a lot. And he follows Malcolm to the other side of the island.

"The crux of it is that she absolutely doesn't think it's a big deal, and is trying but struggling with treating it as a serious issue, because it is for you. And you are- sometimes, I think- over-identifying what counts as masking and what counts as more minor inconveniences. Understandably, because you're coming out of a long period of masking. You have to relearn how to interact with people in a more straightforward manner, and you've been working hard at that. But there's going to be times when it's more difficult to keep up, and Shaw seems to bring that out of you."

From:

abrightboy

Malcolm takes a bite out of one of the bites, considering that as he chews.

"What counts as a minor inconvenience?" he asks curiously. Then, quickly, he explains "One of the big problems I have in our conversations and then in our sessions is that she thinks she's giving me... instructional information, but it's not instructional. I outright asked what behaviours she thought I should or could control, because I can't control all behaviour at all times. But I never got an answer that... was an answer. I never got information that was actionable. And if I can't see the line between masking and minor inconveniences because they were all under one category of behaving... unnaturally for me, then I'm never going to see it if she just says 'behave properly'."

Edited Date: 20 Mar 2024 21:34 (UTC)

From:

empathicfault

"Ah," Will says, nodding a bit. "It might be that you're approaching that from different angles. I don't think she can give you particular examples. And I don't think she should, either. It wouldn't be satisfying to either of you. You're going to have to decide what you think is big or little on your own. Which...I know all the feelings are a lot. I think, the more you look at them, though? You'll find some tells for the ones you can't deal with and the others you might be able to wrangle if you practice with them."

He nabs one of the bites and pops it in his mouth, finishing it before continuing. "It'll take trial and error, and not everyone's going to agree with you. But you knowing what's important for you to have mastery over is going to be very helpful. It'll help you focus your energy on what you desire." Not what he needs to do, what he wants. It's an important distinction, in Will's mind.

From:

abrightboy

"But... she says the problem is the stuff I do that annoys her," Malcolm reasons. "How does... how does figuring out what I can and want to master have any bearing on that?"

From:

empathicfault

"Well..." Will looks up to the ceiling. "If you know what is and what isn't a an acceptable compromise for you to make, then you know whether or not you're willing to help her out and work on it when she tells you something annoys her."

He's not sure that'll get through either, so he clarifies early. "You and Shaw both like rules. You feel comfortable with them. But her telling you that you 'have' to change your behavior doesn't make it so. You can always decide what you do and do not want to entertain."

From:

abrightboy

Malcolm takes the other half of his first bite and chews thoughtfully.

"That makes sense. Okay. But... here's a thing: I agreed to stop asking about something if she tells me to stop - and I have - but now she just... stops every serious topic of conversation. If she wants to be my friend, how does it make sense to never have a real conversation? I feel like she's overusing it now, but she says I've been trying to 'get around' it. I don't see how to develop a relationship with someone without talking."

From:

empathicfault

"She might be overusing it. It might be some measure of avoidance, or just trying to test the boundaries she's set to see if you 'break' on them. No matter what it is, it's not on you to fix."

He looks up again and leans back a bit on his stool. "Honestly, the most you can do is show her that you respect her ability to put boundaries where she thinks she needs them. Just try to do what you said you would. She'll approach closer when she's ready. It might just need time.

"And during that time-" he adds, his eyes sparkling. "You'll just have to settle for hanging out with me more."

From:

abrightboy

Malcolm smiles at that. "Can we work on my Becoming some more? I feel like everything will make more sense if I can get there. Or, at least, will have more perspective and not wound me as much."

From:

empathicfault

Will smiles back, but his is a bit sharper. "Did you notice I was working that in? Or were you just thinking about it? Because I agree with you."

From:

abrightboy

Malcolm's eyebrows go up and he looks delighted.

"I didn't know that's where you were going, but it made me think that! Is that good?"

He takes another half bite.

From:

empathicfault

Will chuckles. "It's not bad. That means you're thinking of yourself a little more often than of Shaw, so I don't see a downside."

Will eats another bite, then leans his chin on his hand, looking up at Malcolm. "I'd intended to run you through various violent scenarios to see how you fared, but we've landed on you not needing violence. Honestly, probably a good thing. And unfortunately, the Enclosure is no good at pulling up people to talk with. So. Before we try anything, we must determine what you want. Without being bound by society or law, what would you do?"

Will gives him a softer smile and waves away an answer. "We'll probably have to explore that for a couple hours or so on its own. I did want to ask how things have been going with Sebastian lately, though. Did you talk to him much during that Kikimora incident?"

From:

abrightboy

Malcolm nods along, about to attempt an answer, then stops when it's waved off; Will is right. Then at the seeming non sequitur, he blinks.

"With Sebastian? Um, fine, I guess? I talked to him at Johann's party. I couldn't really talk to him in the kitchen when it happened because Cho was there."

From:

empathicfault

He watches Malcolm's face with an interrogator's gaze, but then he breaks out into a small chuckle. "I ask because you enjoyed calling Sebastian a sociopath and him getting flustered...as flustered as he gets, anyway- over it. It's one of the few times when I haven't seen you reach a hand out to help someone up, so it's- it was- a joy pure to yourself. I was curious if it'd been continuing. Sounds like it hasn't."

From:

abrightboy

Malcolm looks down at his plate for a moment.

"I like finding weak spots in the armour of people who intentionally harm others, but..." He pokes at the other half of his second bite. "I didn't feel good about it, once the... the excitement of the hunt, as it were, wore off. But I apologized and he didn't accept." He looks over at Will. "I don't like him or trust him, but I'd offer him a hand if I thought there was any chance he'd accept it."

From:

empathicfault

"I'm not saying you wouldn't, in other circumstances. But I am saying is you don't have to offer a hand to everyone you meet. Not everyone deserves it. And you don't have to feel shame for being a tiny bit petty and not trying to help someone, for once." Will should know. Even if he keeps it quiet most of the time on the Barge, he's capable of being an incredibly petty individual. And he likes Sebastian, but the man-eater deserves a little of that thrown back in his face, every once in awhile.

He sits up again on the stool, his spine straight. "You said you didn't feel good about it later. How did it feel when you were engaged with it?"

From:

abrightboy

Malcolm thinks about it.

"Satisfying. He showed up just to be a jerk in exactly the way society people were jerks to my family when my father was arrested," he tells Will. "And then played the wounded bird when that was pointed out, because he's oh, so polite."

From:

empathicfault

"No one's ruder than high society pretending to be polite," Will states, even though he was only minorly adjacent to the world Hannibal had spent so many decades immersing himself in. "They think they're above the law, above any law, and it is an accomplishment to show them otherwise. Sebastian isn't human, but he operates off a similar mindset. You earned your satisfaction, Malcolm."

He rubs his chin thoughtfully. "After I killed Garrett Jacob Hobbs, I felt...powerful. Satisfied there, too. But once the adrenaline wore off, I felt sick. Wrong. Because I wasn't supposed to like it. It took me a long time- and 'help-'" Yes, he does actually do air quotes. "-to realize that it was the second reaction that was mostly not mine. The only disgust I really felt...was that I didn't get to him earlier, before he hurt Abigail. That I didn't plan it my way."

From:

abrightboy

Malcolm thinks about it.

"A lot of Wardens shamed me after my... outburst at Sebastian. They basically said a Warden being unkind to any inmate for any reason was... inexcusable." He pauses, tilts his head. "You know what really bothered me in my last conversation with Shaw? She kept telling me how disappointed Kiryu would be in how I, specifically, was behaving. Like she'd never contributed to the problem. Like I was... spitting on what he'd worked on with us - on him - because she didn't think I was doing it right. It was the same sort of shame... the kind that makes me feel ashamed, but also angry because it means everything I felt was Wrong again."

From:

empathicfault

He's unsurprised to hear about the whole thing with Sebastian, but Will's eyes narrow as he hears about how Shaw handled their last interaction. He wonders if Shaw realizes how manipulative that was.

"That burning anger feeling? That tells you that something's off. And it could be because Shaw was trying to scold you like a schoolteacher scolds a student. You know that you don't deserve to be treated that way. And you don't have to feel ashamed. All you have to do is..." He taps Malcolm's newly-tattooed shoulder. "Open your eyes and let the light burn it away."

From:

abrightboy

Malcolm nods seriously.

"A lot of people think they need to teach me how to be, so I'm... socially palatable. It was when Shaw first started doing that that our communication broke down." He's just put that together for the first time. "It's why the masking is the sticking point, I think. You let me just..." He takes a breath. "I want to be who I am. I don't even fully know who that is, but I want to."

From:

empathicfault

"And that's what we're going to find here," Will assures him. "Who you are, and who you want be. How we get you there is of little concern, once you know."

He stops being so 'wise sage'-ey, instead letting out a bitter laugh. "And the idea of people trying to make you 'socially palatable' on the Barge is ridiculous. There's no society here to be socially acceptable for. Not one that lasts more than six months or so, anyway. And we won't have a society when we leave, either. Just the two of us, being weirdos in other people's backyards."

From:

abrightboy

Malcolm looks at his plate again, but this time he’s smiling. He looks at Will from under his brow. “It makes me so happy, every time I think about it.”

He pops the second half of the second bite in his mouth.

“Shaw doesn’t call it socially palatable. She calls it ‘less annoying’.” A beat. “I mean… she’s not the first person to find me annoying.”

From:

empathicfault

Will's return smile is bright and almost shy. He'll always want more confirmations that Malcolm wants to do the same things he does- even if he's sure that's the case, now. It's nice to hear it. It's divine to know how much Malcolm means it.

"Yeah, well...Jesus is hardly the first person I've had 'disappointed' in me for vague reasons. And he won't be the last either. But it doesn't matter. We'll work it out with the people we care about, and not spend our energy on those that we don't."

Edited Date: 21 Mar 2024 02:31 (UTC)