abrightboy | Voicemail (IC Contact Post) NEW

I... When I was transferred to the Sleipnir, actually. It was a battleship from Earth. I volunteered the Reliant to be reassigned for a mission into enemy space.

Central command was nice, but I felt like I wasn't making the impact I could be elsewhere.

You thought you could be more effective on the front lines?

Not front line, deep into enemy space. They were building a shipyard out there that would have tilted the scale in their favor enough that it was a top priority.

If we failed and they finished building it, we might have lasted a few more years, but the swarm would have pushed through eventually.

So you succeeded?

[Abel shifts in his seat a little uncomfortably at the question.]

The fleet did, yes. I didn't get to see the mission through to the end, Cain and I deserted.

Oh. Why did you do that? I thought the organization was important to you. What changed?

[Important is a little bit of an understatement. He'd known he would enlist, what he wanted to do from quite a young age but isn't sure how to correct him without it being too much.]

I mentioned Project Thebes before, but Cook was going to kill me when he learned I'd found out. If we stayed we would have died, and I had damning information that this hadn't just happened to Cain and I. Other teams across the entire organization were part if the project as well. It was...corruption that I couldn't overlook.

[He sucks in a breath and let's it out slow, trying to figure how to approach the rest of this.]

Malcolm, this is...not specifically what I wanted to talk about, but. Do you mind if I...I'm not sure what to call it, set some boundaries? That's not right...talk about things that bother me so this might be easier to navigate?

I don't want to keep hitting a wall just because I can't handle if you- [He hesitates a moment before shaking his head. He's fine. He can do this, it's important.] Call me a slut, or go too heavy on labeling what happened.

...Why would I call you that? That's awful.

[Abel blinks at him a moment, wondering exactly how his mind works that he has some disconnect between-]

I don't think you would personally, or at least I hope you wouldn't.

But you did say it in reference to what Cain said about me over the network. I can't... that's a little more of a deep seated issue than I can stay present for, if that makes sense.

Oh. You don't want to talk about what Cain said or what that means. No. That's fine. Um. So you wanted to end the corruption.

[He isn't sure that's exactly right, he was trying to get specific, but...he'll sort it out later.]

Anyways, yes. I mean, we deserted because we would have died if we hadn't, but I managed to get us to Mars, crash landed there. When I finally woke up from the crash, I found out the fleet had mutinied against Cook and Bering and were heading back home to face court martial.

I would probably be figuring out how to attend the trial right about now if I hadn't gotten my offer about an hour after I'd woken up.

I understand why the Admiral's offer would be tempting in that moment.

It would have been tempting at any point during my career or before it, having the power to instantly end a war that's been going on as long as I've been alive.

I probably would have been happier if it had happened before I'd known about Project Thebes, but it seems to me that the Admiral likes his staff just as troubled as his prisoners, so. Here I am, as I am. Talking with you.

There's a theory that the Admiral picks Wardens who need this too. Not the deal... well, not just the deal. The healing.

[Abel stares at the counter in front of him a moment at that statement, not really appreciating the thought at all. If the Admiral could look at all of time, if he was some kind of observer, the time he'd chosen was when he'd been at his most desperate for something to change, to make sure that his life had been worth something.

Motivated, isolated and idealistic. Desperate was a trait he added himself, why both Cook's plan, and the Admiral's worked so well.]

So what you're saying to me is that it was entirely on purpose that he let me experience my candidacy of Project Thebes to the end so that I would 'need' him too.

That isn't at all comforting, Malcolm.

If he never intervened, you still would have and you'd still be dealing with it. He didn't make that choice for your life. But if he intervened earlier, would you have accepted his offer? What could you have gotten out of it if you did?

He could have asked me when I was five years old, and my deal would have still been the same.

We're at war. We've been at war as long as I've been alive. I devoted my life to the effort of ending it. If he'd intervened earlier, things would be different. What's is a year to him anyways? The only difference between me now, and me then, is that I- [He's starting to get angry, because he feels like the question he's been asked is belittling, like even if he's spoken to Malcolm a few times and given him idea's of who he was, he hadn't been listening. And yet he stops, because he doesn't like admitting it out loud.

It had been his choice. He hadn't gotten assaulted. He'd never said no. Except... when it came to Cook, he couldn't even lie to himself about it. It was so cut and dry.]

I said not counting the deals. Almost anyone could use a magic wish to improve their world. But do you think someone who isn't a little broken can help the people the Admiral brings here for a second chance?

[That gets him to be quiet a moment longer, his mouth drawing a harsh line. Jacob had discounted his service, likening it to a video game, writing of the risk and trauma because it was different from what he'd experienced, but war was terrible, no matter how its played out.

'a little broken' felt like a discount as well to what he'd been through even before he met Cain.]

I served for three years before I even met Cain. If the requirement is a little broken, my answer is still the same. I was already there before Project Thebes. How is- [He sucks in a breath, shaking his head. This is going to bother him if he doesn't say it, worse than saying it at all.] How does getting sexually manipulated and being assaulted by my commanding officer help me be a better Warden, Malcolm?

How? Because it feels like to me, I would be worlds better at this, if I wasn't constantly afraid of it happening again.

[There it is. The thing he's been holding back.]

It might help you be less afraid of that happening again if we work on processing that trauma. But... we'd have to talk about it.

[The way he says that is off putting in Abel's mind, they'd been having a conversation, he'd just started to get angry again, sitting there and asking questions.

He'd been so reluctant to say any of that aloud. He was fine. He'd always been fine. Except when he wasn't and he'd had Cain there to talk him through the panic, using his hands as blinders to block out everything else so all he could see was him. Abel might have practically killed himself to get them out, but Cain had been the catalyst that allowed them to leave.

Malcolm's method doesn't really leave him wanting to talk about it more, but he knows he should. He has to or else it's just going to continue to crop up, weigh him down, and these things are secrets that anyone could use against him, and he's not ready to hear someone else who doesn't know anything about him use any of this as a knife.

He sucks in a deep breath, elbows on the counter, head in his hands as he nods.] I'm not familiar with the process, but I want to be.

Well, to start with, this is a safe space. Nothing you say here will be discussed with anyone else, ever. Secondly, you never have to answer a question. If you're not ready, we can set that aside and come back to it later, when you're in a better place to explore those feelings. Thirdly, we're going to talk about how you feel about things and why, more than the events themselves. Does that sound... like something you're ready for?

[Abel isn't sure that he's ready for it at all, but when did being ready for anything actually matter? It didn't change the fact that it had happened or would happen.

He lifts his head, chin on his closed fists instead just so he can actually see Malcolm when he talks.]

It's something I need to do, so I'll do it. I don't think anyone's ever been truly ready for anything before they actually start it.

That's probably a healthy perspective.

So why don't you tell me what you mean by 'sexually manipulated'?

[He knows he touched on it before, but starting from scratch is probably better anyway. It's just difficult, and instead of looking at Malcolm, he stares into the enclosure, taking in little details of what he can see from the off-angle view he has.]

The mission goal was to get me to create a bond with my co-pilot. The method suggested was sexual coercion, and it was very effective because I...I wanted something I'd never had. No one could have known that, but I think I surprised Cain when I told him that I wasn't so sure I wanted to. He wasn't all that patient with me and I never told him no, so it happened, and then it kept happening.

Thinking back on it, I know there were times where I probably would have noticed something was wrong, or off, but I was very easily distracted if it meant sleeping with him again.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

TW SA mention

Re: TW SA mention

Re: TW SA mention

Re: TW SA mention

Re: TW SA mention

Re: TW SA mention

Re: TW SA mention

Re: TW SA mention

Re: TW SA mention