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From:

inthebiblicalsense

I've mentioned it, to some other people here, they've told me the same thing, that it wasn't my fault, that I should let it go. I want to believe them, but I feel like that's another piece of it too. I worked hard to get where I was, to be the best at what I did, and I made a choice that took that away from myself. If I had just asked to be reassigned in the beginning, it would have gone through. I wasn't Cain's first attempt, I was the third, and I can't forgive myself for it.

From:

abrightboy

I didn't say it wasn't your fault or to let it go. I said you didn't make any choices that were morally wrong and that you can learn to let go of the shame. Shame isn't useful. It's put on you by other people. But you did make the choices that got you where you were and you can regret them and the path they led you down. That's a normal human feeling and not an unhealthy one. From regret, you can find a way back to the path you want to be on. But shame? Shame is just a weight.

From:

inthebiblicalsense

[He's not quite so sure it's better hearing him say that, but it feels less stressful some how, not being told to let it go. Like he should just get over it. Letting go of shame though, that was half of what made him. He isn't sure who he was without it.]

It's a little inescapable in my opinion. I don't think I can tell you when I wasn't carrying it with me. It's been a long time.

From:

abrightboy

[Malcolm nods.]

Does it come from your father? When the shame chides you, does it have his voice?

From:

inthebiblicalsense

[His mouth draws a harsh line and he looks down at the counter, his hands distracting himself with rubbing the fabric of his pants between his fingers.] Both my parents had expectations for me, but his was more demanding.

And I think it used to sound like him, but once I left it changed. It just sounds like me now.

From:

abrightboy

Are you concerned about becoming him?

From:

inthebiblicalsense

No. Not at all.

I think...I've repeated some things that he's said to me before, but only when I've been angry. Just, expressions of disappointment, things like that. His values and mine have never aligned.

Edited Date: 5 Aug 2024 02:48 (UTC)

From:

abrightboy

Did it concern you when you found yourself using his words in anger?

From:

inthebiblicalsense

Honestly, I don't usually realize I've done it until I sit and think about it later. And at that point I can't take it back, but it bothers me, yes.

Who wants a reminder that someone like that imprinted themselves on their life? I haven't even spoken to my family in six years, and it still happens.

From:

abrightboy

It's interesting that he's the voice of your anger, though.

From:

inthebiblicalsense

That's not the word I would use, but... I don't remember many conversations where he wasn't angry with me. And I suppose, if I'm angry, and in the moment I want to hurt someone, pulling from what's hurt me before is easier than figuring out some other more pointed, specific way to hurt who ever I'm angry at.

I know it works, or at least I know it worked on me.

From:

abrightboy

Have you ever tried to hurt Cain that way?

From:

inthebiblicalsense

[He thinks a moment, considering. The only time he thinks he's ever hurt Cain was when he'd told him he didn't want to hear his excuses and that they were done. Despite how upset he'd been, he feels like it had been rather appropriate.]

No. We bickered, but... there was only two instances that I ever actually yelled at him. The beginning, and the end, really. And both times, I feel like what I said was rather justified. That last time, I didn't even want to hurt him, I was just upset and couldn't understand why he'd do something like that to someone.

From:

abrightboy

Did he explain it to you?

From:

inthebiblicalsense

He tried to. At the time I didn't want to listen to him.

I remember what he said though, and the more time I've spent with it, the more I can accept why, but that doesn't make it any better. Justification doesn't just, fix it.

From:

abrightboy

No, of course not. What would fix it, in your mind? What would you need from him to forgive him?

From:

inthebiblicalsense

The problem is, I think I have forgiven him, at least for participating. I'm here because I was desperate enough to want to leave where I was, at least for a little while, and get something vitally important to me in exchange for a mission. It isn't the same, but there is a parallel.

But the difference between what we were asked to do? Thats...that's where the comparison falls apart.

And I don't know what it would take to fix that. Everything he did, I actively participated in myself, so he's not the only one to blame here. If I had just let myself stop to think for a minute, it wouldn't have been so painful.

I created some of that suffering by trusting him despite everything happening around us. I should have been smarter than that.

From:

abrightboy

You trusted someone because you loved them and now you feel stupid for believing him. For not seeing it.

From:

inthebiblicalsense

[There is that feeling that rises up again at that word, and he can't quite identify it. He isn't sure if it's shame, anger, disgust or simply embarrassment, but it twists up in him and gets his body tense.]

I trusted him because we were assigned together. If we weren't compatible, we were going to die, and he was supposed to watch my back, just like I watched his. I wasn't in love with him.

Yes, I felt stupid that I had ignored it... I defended him to people trying to tell me things he'd done when I wasn't around to see it, and I didn't believe them. It was entirely humiliating, and in the end, when he finally told me why, all I got was some bullshit excuse instead of an apology. As if having a change of heart, finally feeling guilty about what he'd done because he saw me as a person instead of a mission would magically make it all okay.

I thought I might be worth more than that, and I'm not so sure any more. [He takes in a shuttering breath and leans forward, elbows on the counter to press his palms against his eyes. It isn't worth cry over, it's fine.]

From:

abrightboy

More than… the excuse? Is the apology what you really want from him?

From:

inthebiblicalsense

[Worth is measured in so many ways. His own self worth, his worth to the fleet, to the world, to his father, to Cain. The fact that Cain had to change his mind about his value, that he meant nothing and was nothing to him for how ever long? What part of him made him worth anything? Enough to change his mind? He wasn't sure he'd believe it even if Cain told him straight out.]

It would be a start? There are things that he did, when we first met, that...Nothing in the files made any mention of, that it was a requirement, and I have to look at it, every day and wonder why. Why would he do that if he didn't have to?

It's there forever, but if he apologized, or even explained why, made it make sense somehow, I could maybe start to let go of it. Stop asking myself what if's and trying to reason my way through his thought process every time I look in the mirror.

From:

abrightboy

Why is it important to you to understand his thought process or why he did it?

From:

inthebiblicalsense

I...I think it's only natural to want to understand why someone would hurt you, but If I know, I can get some control back.

I can't stop myself thinking about it, questioning why. It's always on the back of my mind, but if I did know, I wouldn't have to, and that would help, at least I'd like to think it would.

From:

abrightboy

Maybe. What do you want the answer to be?

From:

inthebiblicalsense

I don't know...

If it was just out of necessity? That would make it palatable, but- [He leans forward a little, resting his forehead against the side of his open hand, staring hard a the counter. The only person he'd specifically told about Cain's involvement in the scar across his lips was Fitz, and while he hated talking about it, it was the thing that he usually got caught up on when he tried to reason his way though Cain's thought process.]

I can't come up with any explanation for why he needed to scar my face. It so permanent, and I know it's one of the first things people see when they look at me, everyone's just too polite to mention it. If he wanted to make sure everyone knew they couldn't talk to me, there are so many other ways...