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Re: TW SA mention
Date: 4 Aug 2024 21:31 (UTC)Re: TW SA mention
Date: 4 Aug 2024 21:46 (UTC)I spent my whole life making sure I would be good enough to apply to join the academy...I was told no by my father, I did it anyways. Because I wanted to make a difference. I didn't see anyone, or do anything that wasn't pointed towards that goal, and...when I got there? I lost focus because some guy I barely knew told me we were going to fuck, like it wasn't even a question, and I let him.
That sounds like, to me, something to be ashamed of.
Re: TW SA mention
Date: 4 Aug 2024 21:52 (UTC)Re: TW SA mention
Date: 4 Aug 2024 22:06 (UTC)It was why he'd added that the trial be won as an addition to his deal in winning the war, so he never had to be there to see it happen. The disgust and the shame on his face, the backlash that would follow. All of it pointedly his fault, the son who returned a useless, used up whore, fighting in a terf war for low class colonists.] All of it? I...I don't know what you want me to say Malcolm.
Re: TW SA mention
Date: 4 Aug 2024 22:34 (UTC)Re: TW SA mention
Date: 4 Aug 2024 22:58 (UTC)[He knows what's holding him back, practically has it mentally filed in order of each transgression, neat and organized and controlled unlike how he felt in life.] I just...I don't say it out loud. When I do, it makes it more real, and I can't afford to fall apart here. I've had little moments here and there where I've tried, and I panic, have to try and get a hold of myself, and I'm afraid of what's going to happen if I can't regain some kind of control.
Re: TW SA mention
Date: 4 Aug 2024 23:29 (UTC)Re: TW SA mention
Date: 4 Aug 2024 23:40 (UTC)Re: TW SA mention
Date: 4 Aug 2024 23:52 (UTC)Re: TW SA mention
Date: 5 Aug 2024 01:30 (UTC)It's a little inescapable in my opinion. I don't think I can tell you when I wasn't carrying it with me. It's been a long time.
Re: TW SA mention
Date: 5 Aug 2024 01:33 (UTC)Does it come from your father? When the shame chides you, does it have his voice?
Re: TW SA mention
Date: 5 Aug 2024 01:56 (UTC)And I think it used to sound like him, but once I left it changed. It just sounds like me now.
Re: TW SA mention
Date: 5 Aug 2024 02:40 (UTC)Re: TW SA mention
Date: 5 Aug 2024 02:47 (UTC)I think...I've repeated some things that he's said to me before, but only when I've been angry. Just, expressions of disappointment, things like that. His values and mine have never aligned.
Re: TW SA mention
Date: 18 Aug 2024 00:19 (UTC)Re: TW SA mention
Date: 18 Aug 2024 00:29 (UTC)Who wants a reminder that someone like that imprinted themselves on their life? I haven't even spoken to my family in six years, and it still happens.
Re: TW SA mention
Date: 18 Aug 2024 00:44 (UTC)Re: TW SA mention
Date: 18 Aug 2024 00:49 (UTC)I know it works, or at least I know it worked on me.
Re: TW SA mention
Date: 18 Aug 2024 00:52 (UTC)Re: TW SA mention
Date: 18 Aug 2024 01:01 (UTC)No. We bickered, but... there was only two instances that I ever actually yelled at him. The beginning, and the end, really. And both times, I feel like what I said was rather justified. That last time, I didn't even want to hurt him, I was just upset and couldn't understand why he'd do something like that to someone.
Re: TW SA mention
Date: 18 Aug 2024 01:04 (UTC)Re: TW SA mention
Date: 18 Aug 2024 01:11 (UTC)I remember what he said though, and the more time I've spent with it, the more I can accept why, but that doesn't make it any better. Justification doesn't just, fix it.
Re: TW SA mention
Date: 18 Aug 2024 19:12 (UTC)Re: TW SA mention
Date: 19 Aug 2024 14:44 (UTC)But the difference between what we were asked to do? Thats...that's where the comparison falls apart.
And I don't know what it would take to fix that. Everything he did, I actively participated in myself, so he's not the only one to blame here. If I had just let myself stop to think for a minute, it wouldn't have been so painful.
I created some of that suffering by trusting him despite everything happening around us. I should have been smarter than that.
Re: TW SA mention
Date: 20 Aug 2024 01:32 (UTC)Re: TW SA mention
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