Re: TW SA mention

Date: 4 Aug 2024 21:46 (UTC)
inthebiblicalsense: (pic#17180858)
From: [personal profile] inthebiblicalsense
[He'd like to think it wasn't, but looking back on all of it, there was so much of it just laying there, waiting to be pushed aside when he thought about any of it.]

I spent my whole life making sure I would be good enough to apply to join the academy...I was told no by my father, I did it anyways. Because I wanted to make a difference. I didn't see anyone, or do anything that wasn't pointed towards that goal, and...when I got there? I lost focus because some guy I barely knew told me we were going to fuck, like it wasn't even a question, and I let him.

That sounds like, to me, something to be ashamed of.

Re: TW SA mention

Date: 4 Aug 2024 22:06 (UTC)
inthebiblicalsense: (pic#17180855)
From: [personal profile] inthebiblicalsense
[There is a silence there that lingers as Abel attempts to figure out what he wants to say. Years of internalized homophobia and fear of scandal, ruining his father's career and his own is just bubbling at the surface, and he doesn't like talking about it. He doesn't want to admit that one of the biggest reasons this all hit so hard, is that all of it will have to be said out loud at the trial, and whether he was seated in the stands or a part of the court martial, his father would be there to hear all of it.

It was why he'd added that the trial be won as an addition to his deal in winning the war, so he never had to be there to see it happen. The disgust and the shame on his face, the backlash that would follow. All of it pointedly his fault, the son who returned a useless, used up whore, fighting in a terf war for low class colonists.] All of it? I...I don't know what you want me to say Malcolm.

Re: TW SA mention

Date: 4 Aug 2024 22:58 (UTC)
inthebiblicalsense: (complications before bedtime)
From: [personal profile] inthebiblicalsense
I can be honest with myself.

[He knows what's holding him back, practically has it mentally filed in order of each transgression, neat and organized and controlled unlike how he felt in life.] I just...I don't say it out loud. When I do, it makes it more real, and I can't afford to fall apart here. I've had little moments here and there where I've tried, and I panic, have to try and get a hold of myself, and I'm afraid of what's going to happen if I can't regain some kind of control.

Re: TW SA mention

Date: 4 Aug 2024 23:40 (UTC)
inthebiblicalsense: (pillow talking)
From: [personal profile] inthebiblicalsense
I've mentioned it, to some other people here, they've told me the same thing, that it wasn't my fault, that I should let it go. I want to believe them, but I feel like that's another piece of it too. I worked hard to get where I was, to be the best at what I did, and I made a choice that took that away from myself. If I had just asked to be reassigned in the beginning, it would have gone through. I wasn't Cain's first attempt, I was the third, and I can't forgive myself for it.

Re: TW SA mention

Date: 5 Aug 2024 01:30 (UTC)
inthebiblicalsense: (pillow talking)
From: [personal profile] inthebiblicalsense
[He's not quite so sure it's better hearing him say that, but it feels less stressful some how, not being told to let it go. Like he should just get over it. Letting go of shame though, that was half of what made him. He isn't sure who he was without it.]

It's a little inescapable in my opinion. I don't think I can tell you when I wasn't carrying it with me. It's been a long time.

Re: TW SA mention

Date: 5 Aug 2024 01:56 (UTC)
inthebiblicalsense: (heavy heart heavy thoughts)
From: [personal profile] inthebiblicalsense
[His mouth draws a harsh line and he looks down at the counter, his hands distracting himself with rubbing the fabric of his pants between his fingers.] Both my parents had expectations for me, but his was more demanding.

And I think it used to sound like him, but once I left it changed. It just sounds like me now.

Re: TW SA mention

Date: 5 Aug 2024 02:47 (UTC)
inthebiblicalsense: (but what about hephalumps)
From: [personal profile] inthebiblicalsense
No. Not at all.

I think...I've repeated some things that he's said to me before, but only when I've been angry. Just, expressions of disappointment, things like that. His values and mine have never aligned.
Edited Date: 5 Aug 2024 02:48 (UTC)

Re: TW SA mention

Date: 18 Aug 2024 00:29 (UTC)
inthebiblicalsense: (unsure about this)
From: [personal profile] inthebiblicalsense
Honestly, I don't usually realize I've done it until I sit and think about it later. And at that point I can't take it back, but it bothers me, yes.

Who wants a reminder that someone like that imprinted themselves on their life? I haven't even spoken to my family in six years, and it still happens.

Re: TW SA mention

Date: 18 Aug 2024 00:49 (UTC)
inthebiblicalsense: (cant take you anywhere)
From: [personal profile] inthebiblicalsense
That's not the word I would use, but... I don't remember many conversations where he wasn't angry with me. And I suppose, if I'm angry, and in the moment I want to hurt someone, pulling from what's hurt me before is easier than figuring out some other more pointed, specific way to hurt who ever I'm angry at.

I know it works, or at least I know it worked on me.

Re: TW SA mention

Date: 18 Aug 2024 01:01 (UTC)
inthebiblicalsense: (heavy heart heavy thoughts)
From: [personal profile] inthebiblicalsense
[He thinks a moment, considering. The only time he thinks he's ever hurt Cain was when he'd told him he didn't want to hear his excuses and that they were done. Despite how upset he'd been, he feels like it had been rather appropriate.]

No. We bickered, but... there was only two instances that I ever actually yelled at him. The beginning, and the end, really. And both times, I feel like what I said was rather justified. That last time, I didn't even want to hurt him, I was just upset and couldn't understand why he'd do something like that to someone.

Re: TW SA mention

Date: 18 Aug 2024 01:11 (UTC)
inthebiblicalsense: (pic#17180855)
From: [personal profile] inthebiblicalsense
He tried to. At the time I didn't want to listen to him.

I remember what he said though, and the more time I've spent with it, the more I can accept why, but that doesn't make it any better. Justification doesn't just, fix it.

Re: TW SA mention

Date: 19 Aug 2024 14:44 (UTC)
inthebiblicalsense: (heavy heart heavy thoughts)
From: [personal profile] inthebiblicalsense
The problem is, I think I have forgiven him, at least for participating. I'm here because I was desperate enough to want to leave where I was, at least for a little while, and get something vitally important to me in exchange for a mission. It isn't the same, but there is a parallel.

But the difference between what we were asked to do? Thats...that's where the comparison falls apart.

And I don't know what it would take to fix that. Everything he did, I actively participated in myself, so he's not the only one to blame here. If I had just let myself stop to think for a minute, it wouldn't have been so painful.

I created some of that suffering by trusting him despite everything happening around us. I should have been smarter than that.

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