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I knew the moment I found out about the project, it was entirely clear.

The Tech that was being tested on my ship resonates with strong emotions. In the Colterons it's their faith, they are a religious hivemind with directed purpose, which makes it easier for them to use it.

With humans, it's harder, and the only thing that has been proven to resonate with it successfully, is a strong will to protect. If activated, it can be used to instantly teleport. There was a pair that had used the tech before to great success for the original project before Thebes, but one of the pilots died. Thebes was created to artificially replicate their bond, so that the Alliance could have their secret weapon back.

If I had known any of this, I would have volunteered myself rather than be kept in the dark about it. I couldn't tell you why they thought It was better I didn't know, but it was ultimately what made it fail, so it was a flaw.

So they wanted him to fall for you, even if that's not exactly what happened. They needed you to have the bond.

[Abel shakes his head.] No...I'm positive that he wasn't supposed to. It compromised the whole project, and...When I'd had a moment to just sit with Cain once, I learned something about him that he hadn't wanted me to, and he looked terrified. I thought he was just upset because it was personal, and it was said on accident, but...it probably was because he was afraid I would find out more, about what he was doing.

So, It just had to be me, because I was the one steering the ship. They needed me to have that bond, while also being able to control Cain to guide me where they needed their secret weapon to be.

And it worked too, I've used the Jump drive twice, so they did find success, just...not for long.

Because you stole it and ran away.

[His expression sours, just a little at that.] I would say it was a tactical desertion. Running away implies that I had a chance of survival and didn't want to take the risk.

I'd like to think once the trial is over I'll have been exonerated rather than dishonorably discharged for providing key testimony.

That doesn't sound like anything to be ashamed of. So why do you carry so much shame about... all this?

[He'd like to think it wasn't, but looking back on all of it, there was so much of it just laying there, waiting to be pushed aside when he thought about any of it.]

I spent my whole life making sure I would be good enough to apply to join the academy...I was told no by my father, I did it anyways. Because I wanted to make a difference. I didn't see anyone, or do anything that wasn't pointed towards that goal, and...when I got there? I lost focus because some guy I barely knew told me we were going to fuck, like it wasn't even a question, and I let him.

That sounds like, to me, something to be ashamed of.

Which part is the shameful part? You were still doing your mission to protect your world. You were just protecting it from internal corruption. So he didn't steer you off of your chosen course. Which aspect of this are you really ashamed of?

[There is a silence there that lingers as Abel attempts to figure out what he wants to say. Years of internalized homophobia and fear of scandal, ruining his father's career and his own is just bubbling at the surface, and he doesn't like talking about it. He doesn't want to admit that one of the biggest reasons this all hit so hard, is that all of it will have to be said out loud at the trial, and whether he was seated in the stands or a part of the court martial, his father would be there to hear all of it.

It was why he'd added that the trial be won as an addition to his deal in winning the war, so he never had to be there to see it happen. The disgust and the shame on his face, the backlash that would follow. All of it pointedly his fault, the son who returned a useless, used up whore, fighting in a terf war for low class colonists.] All of it? I...I don't know what you want me to say Malcolm.

I want you to be honest with yourself. And then, maybe, if you want to, with me. But you have to start with letting yourself admit to yourself what the source of your shame is. We can’t work past it until you identify it.

I can be honest with myself.

[He knows what's holding him back, practically has it mentally filed in order of each transgression, neat and organized and controlled unlike how he felt in life.] I just...I don't say it out loud. When I do, it makes it more real, and I can't afford to fall apart here. I've had little moments here and there where I've tried, and I panic, have to try and get a hold of myself, and I'm afraid of what's going to happen if I can't regain some kind of control.

It doesn't sound like you did anything actually wrong. Morally. But if you can't confront the shame, which is usually someone else's instrument of control, then you can't examine its validity and then, when you have time to look at it rationally and see that it's made of smoke and someone else's expectations, set it aside.

I've mentioned it, to some other people here, they've told me the same thing, that it wasn't my fault, that I should let it go. I want to believe them, but I feel like that's another piece of it too. I worked hard to get where I was, to be the best at what I did, and I made a choice that took that away from myself. If I had just asked to be reassigned in the beginning, it would have gone through. I wasn't Cain's first attempt, I was the third, and I can't forgive myself for it.

I didn't say it wasn't your fault or to let it go. I said you didn't make any choices that were morally wrong and that you can learn to let go of the shame. Shame isn't useful. It's put on you by other people. But you did make the choices that got you where you were and you can regret them and the path they led you down. That's a normal human feeling and not an unhealthy one. From regret, you can find a way back to the path you want to be on. But shame? Shame is just a weight.

[He's not quite so sure it's better hearing him say that, but it feels less stressful some how, not being told to let it go. Like he should just get over it. Letting go of shame though, that was half of what made him. He isn't sure who he was without it.]

It's a little inescapable in my opinion. I don't think I can tell you when I wasn't carrying it with me. It's been a long time.

[Malcolm nods.]

Does it come from your father? When the shame chides you, does it have his voice?

[His mouth draws a harsh line and he looks down at the counter, his hands distracting himself with rubbing the fabric of his pants between his fingers.] Both my parents had expectations for me, but his was more demanding.

And I think it used to sound like him, but once I left it changed. It just sounds like me now.

Are you concerned about becoming him?

No. Not at all.

I think...I've repeated some things that he's said to me before, but only when I've been angry. Just, expressions of disappointment, things like that. His values and mine have never aligned.

Edited 2024-08-05 02:48 (UTC)

Did it concern you when you found yourself using his words in anger?

Honestly, I don't usually realize I've done it until I sit and think about it later. And at that point I can't take it back, but it bothers me, yes.

Who wants a reminder that someone like that imprinted themselves on their life? I haven't even spoken to my family in six years, and it still happens.

It's interesting that he's the voice of your anger, though.

That's not the word I would use, but... I don't remember many conversations where he wasn't angry with me. And I suppose, if I'm angry, and in the moment I want to hurt someone, pulling from what's hurt me before is easier than figuring out some other more pointed, specific way to hurt who ever I'm angry at.

I know it works, or at least I know it worked on me.

Have you ever tried to hurt Cain that way?

[He thinks a moment, considering. The only time he thinks he's ever hurt Cain was when he'd told him he didn't want to hear his excuses and that they were done. Despite how upset he'd been, he feels like it had been rather appropriate.]

No. We bickered, but... there was only two instances that I ever actually yelled at him. The beginning, and the end, really. And both times, I feel like what I said was rather justified. That last time, I didn't even want to hurt him, I was just upset and couldn't understand why he'd do something like that to someone.

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