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[abrightboy]

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Video, after the Golden Days Flood

[empathicfault]

[ When he appears on screen, he looks a little pale and...oddly smaller than usual. He licks his lips and doesn't look at the camera. His eyes are too strong for this, they'd influence the proceedings. ]

Malcolm? Hey, are you home right now? I need to...clear some things up. And apologize to you properly. About the Sheehan and Jesus situation.

Re: Video, after the Golden Days Flood

[abrightboy]

[Malcolm, answering, looks pleased it’s him calling. Delighted and relieved. Then concerned (by his look and tone) and confused (apologize?), but he is home, so…]

I’m in my cabin, yeah. Is this a tea or scotch conversation?

Re: Video, after the Golden Days Flood

[empathicfault]

Scotch, probably.

[ He finally looks up, giving Malcolm a sad smile. ]

Okay, be there in a few.

[ He knocks right before opening the door up, showing up literally two minutes later. No dogs with him, which usually means he expects to go back to them soon or they're doing something the dogs can't join in on. Here, he'd debated, but he doesn't want to retreat during this conversation.

The first thing he does on finding Malcolm is to sweep him into a big, tight hug. He looks like he's been either crying or on the verge of it. ]

Re: Video, after the Golden Days Flood

[abrightboy]

[Malcolm’s concern goes up to eight out of ten when he sees how sad Will looks on video. When he sees his face, right before being swept into that hug, it ratchets up to twelve.]

What happened? What’s wrong?

[Holding on tight, he remembers the weird thing Will said when he called.]

Is this about Sheehan and Jesus? No, no, no it’s okay. Kiryu’s going to help me with it. Don’t be upset.

[He presses his temple against Will’s cheek.]

I get in trouble with people all the time. It’s fine. Don’t worry, okay?

Re: Video, after the Golden Days Flood

[empathicfault]

No- no, I know. It's not...

[ Mumbling into Malcolm's hair is not the way to do this. He closes his eyes and squeezes Malcolm close, then pulls deliberately away so he can speak to his face. ]

I don't care about them. But I wronged you. I- I set up this ambiguous ethical situation and made things murky and I didn't clear it up properly when people came to ask me about it. Because I met you on my second day and I thought you were too good to be true, and left myself an out by not...naming what we were doing. By telling some people it was therapy and telling you the truth. That we were friends supporting each other.

[ He purses his lips and shakes his head, and his hands are on his hips now, as if he's trying to lecture himself. ]

I used Hannibal's methods in Hannibal's way, and you got hurt because of it. People are suspicious of you because of it, and it's hurting you and your standing at the counseling office. That's not okay. It's not what I wanted and it was a shitty thing to do.

Re: Video, after the Golden Days Flood

[abrightboy]

…Oh. But. I mean, you were just protecting yourself the only way you knew how. It’s not all your fault that it became … [He gestures around vaguely with one hand.] All this. [He steps a little closer, reaches out to brush Will’s arm with his fingertips, because he’s not sure Will wants more physical contact than that right now, but he tries to catch his eyes, giving him an encouraging little smile.] We’ll sort it out. Kiryu is going to talk to them. Don’t feel bad. You’re literally here to learn better coping strategies. Oh, hey, maybe the Hannibal Way had to fail badly so you could… stop it, you know? See it for what it is. But it’s okay. It’s part of the process.

Re: Video, after the Golden Days Flood

[empathicfault]

Yeah? [ It's nice to hear, honestly. But he knew that Malcolm would probably blow it off, and he actually feels like he should be held accountable for once. ] I don't want you getting hurt to be 'part of the process.' I don't want me causing you distress to be what it takes for me to fix myself.

[ He rubs his face with both hands and then reaches out to squeeze Malcolm's shoulder. He doesn't want no contact, he's just upset and fidgety right now. ]

I framed it like...it was more formal so people wouldn't bother me about 'getting help'. I used you for my own convenience. That's not okay. And I had- Jesus came and asked me about how we started and I- well, hedged my bets. I didn't want to be called out for keeping it purposefully vague. I didn't think... [ He trails off, trying to find the right words, but then he realizes that's the appropriate sentence and shrugs. ] I just didn't.

Re: Video, after the Golden Days Flood

[abrightboy]

[The touch is welcome. A relief. It helps Malcolm see: He's not pulling away; just antsy. He gets that. He leans forward a little, earnestly.]

Okay, but you didn't know me yet. You wouldn't hurt me on purpose. I know that. And Jesus... I mean I get that he got two different answers, but he didn't have to be a jerk about it. He didn't have to assume the worst possible motives. That was a choice on his part. Will... we can fix it. Kiryu says we can. If he wants me to eat a little crow over the quote-unquote messaging, then I will. If he wants me to step away from Counselling, then I guess I'll have to. But... whatever happens, I'm not renouncing our relationship as a mistake or as morally reprehensible and I'm not leaving you.

Re: Video, after the Golden Days Flood

[empathicfault]

[ He didn't need to hear that last part- he knew it wouldn't have changed that much, but...well, he still appreciates hearing it. He takes a deep, calming breath, and he looks Malcolm in the eyes. Tears are welling up, but the rest of his face is pretty much under control. ]

No, I- I'm not worried about that. But...you know you're allowed to be mad with me, right? Upset with me? I let you take the pain and problems this caused, because I assumed that wardens were checking in only to check a 'I tried to be moral about this' box.

I don't think Kiryu's going to let you get kicked out of Counseling, but it's- it's gotten far enough that it's come up. I know you're willing to bend over backwards for me, Malcolm, but I didn't think I'd...take advantage like that. Threaten something that you find so much meaning in, like that.

Re: Video, after the Golden Days Flood

[abrightboy]

But I’m not. Mad at you. You weren’t trying to get me in trouble. It was just… something that happened. We’ll deal with it. …I didn’t… I mean, I knew Shaw assumed I was your therapist. That’s why I was mad when she told you to see other therapists. Like, just because I wasn’t actually… like…. why does she get to decide that my therapy wasn’t good for you just because it wasn’t good for her? You know? Plus if I didn’t allay that assumption, we could hang out as much as we wanted. So I let her make assumptions too. But when she sent you to the others, that was kind of done anyway and she never seemed to care about that. And I didn’t realize it went… beyond the three of us. [ He scrunches up his brow in thought, then shakes it off and looks at Will.] I mean, they can still decide to be jerks about it, but that says more about them than us, right? [He holds a hand out for him if he wants it.] I love you. [More a promise than a declaration.] We can deal with it, right?

Re: Video, after the Golden Days Flood

[empathicfault]

[ Will watches Malcolm's face as he responds. He's frowning a little, worried, but he takes the hand offered. It makes him melt, a little, and it's easy to nod with the one question. ]

Of course, of course we can. I love you, too.

[ He brings Malcolm's hand up to his face and slowly kisses the knuckles as he thinks. His eyes close as he does so. ]

I am sorry. Don't- don't let me get away with it again, okay? I never want to be treating you like Hannibal treated me at first. Like you're an inconvenience...or an amusement. You mean more to me than anything else here.

[ He sniffles a little and looks back down to their joined hands. ]

Kiryu's going to help back me up with Sheehan and Jesus, and I'll fix it. As much as I can. You really shouldn't have to deal with it, any more than you already have. If we can help it.

Re: Video, after the Golden Days Flood

[abrightboy]

[Malcolm is charmed by the kiss, by the assertion that Will will fix it, by the apology.

His voice is soft, genuine but firm.]

You're not him. You won't hurt me. But if I think you accidentally are, I will say something. [Kiryu just extracted the same promise from him.] I know Shaw thinks I think you're perfect and can't do anything wrong and maybe not being mad at you about this won't convince anyone otherwise, but... intention counts for a lot with me. We all fuck things up sometimes. But you weren't trying to... do... this. You were just... trying to navigate something new and frightening and full of strangers and you used the defences you had and I can't be mad at you for that. I won't. Besides... knowing that's what actually happened means I'm not crazy... well, crazier than usual - and deluding myself like Jesus suggested. And I didn't misread you and think that we were friends when we weren't, just because... I wanted to be so much. Because I felt a connection. So. This is kind of a relief, honestly.

Re: Video, after the Golden Days Flood

[empathicfault]

[ Will closes his eyes and listens. A couple of tears find escape and track their way down his face, but- he's calming. He bites his lip and nods at a couple of spots. But his eyes open again, in surprise, when Malcolm mentions thinking he was crazy. ]

I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I don't- I know I'm not Hannibal, but those pieces of him, they're still filling up some empty or- or lost parts of me, and...I wasn't aware of this one. I can't keep an eye on it if I don't know it's there.

[ He swallows and steps forward to pull Malcolm into a hug again, and he's letting himself need it this time. ]

...do you have any questions? About this? Anything I can clear up or that'd make you feel any better? [ He doesn't know what else Jesus might've said to him that might've made him question himself. ]

Re: Video, after the Golden Days Flood

[abrightboy]

[Malcolm closes his eyes as he rests his head on Will's shoulder, squeezing him tight.]

I just want you to let me know how it goes with them so I know what to expect from them. Kiryu doesn't think it's a good idea for me to talk to Aaron if Jesus says no, even though I promised him I wouldn't abandon him and he still wants to see me, so... if this even only gets resolved just enough that he'll let me work with him again... that would be great. And if I don't get fired from Counselling, that'd be ideal too. Anything else is gravy, okay? Honestly, it means a lot to me that you're doing this, however it turns out.

Re: Video, after the Golden Days Flood

[empathicfault]

[ Will nods after the 'okay?' His whole body starts gently rocking the both of them back and forth as he starts speaking. ]

I should've done it a couple of weeks ago, when this started being an issue. I'll tell you how it goes, how I see it going. I hope Aaron can keep seeing you...he strikes me as the type to seek you out no matter what.

...I didn't think anyone would really care, you know? That there might be an imbalance of power. That there might be abuse. I thought that it was all lip service.

Re: Video, after the Golden Days Flood

[abrightboy]

[The rocking is nice; he likes it.]

I don't know how much of it is caring and how much of it is... the need to be morally superior. You can listen to my last conversation with Jesus if you want. Kiryu told me it was bad for you if I... 'leaned' on you too much, so I didn't... bring it to you beyond telling you about Aaron. [Though he's sure Will could tell that he was troubled. Dejected.] But if you're going to talk to him, you might need the context. He... said he wanted to try being friends again and then told me the condition I had to meet was saying this relationship is a mistake. He really, really leaned in. You can't put that all on you. [He sets his phone on the counter for Will, but doesn't pull out of the embrace.] Whatever it is about this that makes him nuts, keeps making him more nuts.

Re: Video, after the Golden Days Flood

[empathicfault]

[ Will listens, and frowns a little at hearing more particulars. But he nods. ]

I'll listen, in a minute. I've been suspecting a trauma response to some of this, but I'll just have to...see for myself. And probably apologize plainly, regardless. But it'll be good to know, if anything goes off the rails.

[ He keeps just holding Malcolm for about half a minute, but finally works up the nerve to ask: ] ...are you all right? You can- I don't know if Kiryu knows how...unique our situations are sometimes. You can lean on me. I'll tell you if I'm having trouble.

Re: Video, after the Golden Days Flood

[abrightboy]

[Malcolm lifts his head to look at him.]

That’s what I said! I’ve said it to more than one person who thought I was using you as my one and only emotional crutch, no matter the cost to you. I said you know when you need space to decompress or when you’re overwhelmed and you tell me and I respect it. I’d never impose on you when you need your reset space. I think people assume you couldn’t possibly be honest about not being able to be around me if you’re too overwhelmed, or I’m too delicate to take it, or else they think I’m too… out of control with my emotions not to bother you anyway. But… we’re…. we’re good, right? I mean, between us, we understand… us.