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[abrightboy]

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[forensicks]

"You literally locked a warden in Zero!" That is actual power! The allegations that this reaction could have actually been part of a rushed, mishandled investigation that made things worse in other ways, those are armchair hypotheticals. The fact that it happened is not hypothetical and Walter truly believes Malcolm is disingenuous about this. "You always do this, you shut everything out and—defend yourself."

But with that he had faltered. He knows how literally close to home this is for Malcolm, how much pain he carries inside, being hurt for saving murder victims. That his nature makes it even harder for him to block out the pain.

There's so much that Walter could say. (Least importantly, that the majority of network uses are very inefficient voice which has made everything both more visceral and harder for Walter to read totally, especially in the privacy he'd prefer.) That some people are new, some people are inmates, some people are scared, of a faceless murderer that was dangled in front of them just out of reach. That many inmates haven't accepted that they died, but every single one of them is facing the trauma of being incarcerated, many specifically having the protection of their life used to force them to agree, and several have voiced explicitly that Zero twists their powers or triggers their trauma. That Malcolm chose to be here, has less need for his deals than almost anyone else, and has chosen to stay for multiple pairings, after everything he's observed. But...

Is this why the Admiral pulled out the big guns on Walter? Is the brainwashing bond of the permanent pairing working? Because Malcolm didn't truly choose to stay, not this long. He's in a cult. He's being crushed for a murder he didn't commit in a way inextricably intertwined in Walter's mind with the absolute bullshit that has happened to Misty, who is currently in a coma that is hopefully not a fabrication by Jacob Seed. Walter can't stand by and watch someone he cares about suffer like this. He... he has to at least use what the Barge has provided in his own favor, though with how long Malcolm hasn't reacted he's sure he'll think Walter yet again backread for funsies without a little more of a push.

"I'm asking you to try to understand. For me. Don't you remember saying justice is for the victims?" He reaches for his hand, admittedly something they could both imagine from past experience being looked at askance . "Have you never wondered why it's like I already know you?"

[abrightboy]

"I didn't put Hilbert in Zero unilaterally or single handedly. I never left the library until Abel was safely taken care of, in point of fact. Justice is for the victims, but Abel was the victim, Walter, and Hilbert killed him. We didn't find out he was also a victim until later. In that moment - Abel dead, Hilbert leaving the crime scene with the weapon that killed him - do you really think it was wrong to be cautious?" Malcolm asks him. "Because I want you to know the actual situation on the ground when that decision was made by a team of three Wardens trying to protect everyone on this boat."

He holds Walter's gaze. He'll get to the other question, but... this is important.

"That's the moment where the decision was made. Not with all the facts; with that fact: Abel was dead and Hilbert walked away from the crime scene with the murder weapon and that's all we knew."

[forensicks]

"Not unilaterally, but whatever the Greek word is for small-group-laterally?" Walter says. He can feel Malcolm's connection to him, but it's far away, wrapped up deep inside Malcolm's logical affect - would probably be impossible to sense over audio alone or for someone already more skeptical. "I had a talk with Will about this," Walter admits. "To go off something the closest to what you've talked about doing, I really think you might as well have filtered to a few trusted wardens in the first place. Why not? He didn't agree on this, but I think similar anger after the fact would hurt less than being told out loud over and over that inmates didn't deserve to know your only fact that could actually help us."

Walter doesn't hold it against Malcolm individually. He's sure the man would have answered him if he directly asked. Walter was mostly trying to pretend the whole thing wasn't happening. But the way he heard Malcolm talking about inmates in general hurt him where he identifies with the group. He doesn't want to be just "one of the good ones".

[abrightboy]

"When did I say Inmates couldn't know?" Malcolm asks. "I said nobody not directly involved could know until it was over. And then everyone could know. I told some inmates that directly asked that I wasn't prepared to give details yet. I said the same thing to some wardens. Do you think maybe you're just assuming I only meant inmates couldn't know?" Malcolm asks. "Do you think maybe you're assuming that because one or two that already think I suck said that must be what I meant?"

[forensicks]

There's something that becoming friends with Pyotr reminded Walter of, which turned out to be a couple years after his friend's time but something Walter had come across in his more active libertarian phase. In its majestic equality, the law forbids rich and poor alike to sleep under bridges, beg in the streets and steal loaves of bread. His hand gets tenser.

"Even closer to unilateral, then, just some wardens. What's the definition of directly involved, huh? Did inmates have any chance of that?"

[abrightboy]

"Why do you want this to be about a class war, Walter? I found someone dead and I took the first volunteers that offered reasonable help and I didn't check if they were wearing a ball and chain. And then, yes, I cordoned it off until we got the alleged perpetrator to a cell where he was safe from killing anyone and safe from being killed by anyone. And some inmates that are literally always angry about being here tried to make it about Inmates versus Wardens because they make everything about that, even when it's not. And this wasn't. And I said so but they didn't want to hear it so I didn't dignify the rest with a response because I was trying to get the deceased to somewhere secure and I was trying to find out if there was brainwashing and there's only a point to arguing with people when the possibility exists for them to meet you somewhere in the middle, not when they've already decided that you're the embodiment of the oppressive regime and will colour everything you say and do to fit that role," Malcolm points out. "So forget about fucking Rosita and her pals and the chip on her fucking shoulder and tell me why you think I think that inmates are beneath me."

Malcolm swears so rarely that it's a harsh sound from his mouth.

[forensicks]

"Huh," Walter says. "I get to profile you for once." He lifts his hand away, taps his own temple. The hot cocoa is getting very cold.

"For someone who did nothing wrong, you sure guessed exactly what hurt my feelings."

And it's a really weird thought that Walter has let someone hurt his feelings. He doesn't care about the cops who succumb to occupational hazards, not at the end of the day however little pleasure he took in the physical acts. Even as late as when he approached Will, he mostly thought this would impact Malcolm's capital with other wardens who could help Walter in the future. But no, he really... doesn't want to compromise with Walter.

"Gold star!"

[abrightboy]

Malcolm has no idea what he means.

“If you’re going to profile to avoid answering my question, you have to tell me the profile,” he says carefully, watching Walter just as carefully. His tone is earnest, though. Interested. “How did I hurt your feelings?”

[forensicks]

"You really came off like an inmate doubting wardens was funny to you. I don't know what the technical term is, sarcasm? Maybe pedantry? Let's go with snappy comeback. That part," he says, "the 'you... said that backwards' part." He knows there were two or three separate interactions on the post - he really doesn't think of Malcolm saying his piece and leaving Rosita be on read afterwards as an accurate description, but that may just be his perspective when the specific part of the conversation hit him so hard.

[abrightboy]

"Rosita and I have a history. Did you come across that in your intense scrutiny of the network?" Malcolm genuinely asks. "I'll give you a brief summary, regardless, since some of it happened in person: we got off on the wrong foot because I was in an argument with a friend of hers from her world who was a huge douche to me. He's a warden, if that makes a difference. I apologized for her ending up accidentally in the middle of that and she was a catty bitch. I reached out again and she was mean. I reached out again and she was mean. She can have a point here and there, but also she'll colour every interaction with her decision of who anyone is and whether they mean it and then they can't possibly offer her anything in good faith, so you know what? I stopped. She offered to help with the investigation and I told her no thank you, even though what my soul actually wanted to explain was that I wouldn't ask her to piss on me if I was on fire. She says all wardens are bastards, but especially me, and I say exactly one inmate is a pointless waste of time and it's her. Okay? So I'm truly, genuinely sorry if you thought that was somehow directed at all inmates or even any other inmate, but she's the only one I don't have time for." He pauses, tilts his head slightly. "I used to agonize over it, you know. Why I couldn't connect with some people. Why, no matter how honestly and sincerely I tried to help them, they were just... mean to me. Repeatedly. But Neal and Will both told me that... I don't need that. And... I don't fucking need that. And I've been telling them lately. And... I don't think it's a bad thing." A beat. "Unless there's collateral damage. I don't want anyone else to feel like I mean them, too. You know, I don't even know who's a warden or an inmate half the time? There aren't colour coded name tags. I don't really... pay attention unless it comes up somehow. I have put my foot in my mouth because of that before."

He watches Walter for a long moment.

"For a second I thought Pyotr was selling you a revolution where the wardens are the bourgeoisie."

[forensicks]

"This is... very hard to hear." Walter tries to be honest. He's... hearing a distinct lack of anything more specific than purely verbal drama that Rosita surely flipped around, that this itself is a case of virulent hatred he hasn't expressed in this moment for the killers on the loose. "I've kept tabs on some of your other network dust-ups like Eiffel's movie night, and Ken and Hilbert. That's why I was going to check on you that day we watched Time Bandits, you know." Almost like it's a pattern!!! Though downplaying the horrors he's experienced is also a pattern. "But Rosita, no, I don't keep tabs on her. Being frank, if her sister showed up I might assume it was her, that's how long it'd been since I actually saw her video feed. Refreshing my memory, all that came to mind was that she seemed to be like me. Human. Hasn't attacked anyone here. But dealt an even harder hand in life."

Walter reaches for the cocoa cup, turning it to swirl the foam in funny shapes he looks down at.

"And she was saying something I thought I agreed with. That the middle ground of info on the attack was the worst of both worlds." He looks up at Malcolm. Thinking of his friend makes it all the easier to focus on, to fake, that sincere desire for absolution he felt in the chapel that first day. "No, it's totally different for me and Pyotr. He can't see the name tags either, so how is he supposed to know that wardens have worked on themselves ways inmates haven't been able yet? Experience. Trust over time. For starters, I was one of the ones actually asked if I wanted to live, and I'd been in that network access flood before too. He showed up right before a breach, me right after. Everything's added up so it's hard for him to put faith in the services in this place, and if you ever did get to catch up on the special person flood, I think you have an inkling for one big reason why."

[abrightboy]

“I’m human. I haven’t attacked anyone here. So your perception that Rosita must have been acting in good faith and I must have been acting in bad faith was based purely on the fact that she’s an inmate and I’m a warden?” Malcolm clarifies. He tilts his head again. “What did you mean when you asked if I wondered why it’s like you already know me?”

[forensicks]

"What you guys were actually saying can't be smoothly removed from the context, but yeah, I'd like to think that's what I reacted to." Because he agreed with Rosita's thinking that it was bad for the attack to be announced without a name and face... And was hurt by that sharp comment about inmates doing their best... It's hard to even quote word for word without losing the context.

He turns his head away towards one of the lovely windows. Gives a "pff" smile. "Maybe it doesn't even feel like that to you." That Walter knows him. Whatever.

[abrightboy]

“Why do you do that thing where you start a thought and abandon it as soon as I ask for clarification?” Malcolm asks. “I have a hard time with… the dance. I’m not trying to… make a point by making you say stuff explicitly. I need stuff to be said explicitly. Can I have some context for that observation, please?”

[forensicks]

"I know that's douchey, but sometimes I need to do it anyway because... there's also something to grapple with-" Haha, back and forth, like dancing- "when someone forgets. Not just doesn't intuit... Blocks it out. Forgets."

He sits there with the hot cocoa in both his hands and adds quietly:

"I know you struggle with that too."

[abrightboy]

“I don’t block stuff out,” Malcolm tells him, faint confusion returning. “What do you ‘know’ that from? What gave you that impression?”

[forensicks]

"Okay, what did I see then, a shutdown? A meltdown?" Walter supposed Malcolm has enough support to be completely confident in not missing time, that it's not what it's like from his perspective.

"Maybe some time when you looked like you weren't letting anything in even though you actually were? Because you were in trauma? ... Like the dream flood?"

[abrightboy]

“…You saw me shut down in the dream flood? ………You mean at Claremont?” He frowns faintly. “That’s where I saw her before,” he murmurs more to himself than Walter. Then he looks at Walter. “I remember everything from times when my emotions shut me down. I only lost time when he chloroformed me,” he explains reasonably.

[forensicks]

"I wasn't told the name of the place, but yeah, presumably that. You literally have the worst dad in the world, wow."

Might as well have his own distant matter of fact reaction.

"When you didn't react all those times... I thought, maybe it's because he can't see it. That you'd... judge her."

[abrightboy]

"Judge... your grandmother? Or... judge you for loving her anyway?" Malcolm clarifies.

[forensicks]

Walter gives that Oprah "and there you have it" shrug. "I mean, it's entry level psychology that a person would conflate one with the other," he says.

[abrightboy]

"A person might," Malcolm concedes. "But I was visiting my dad at Claremont in that dream because... I visited my dad at Claremont, where he's serving a life sentence without possibility of parole in a maximum security hospital for the criminally insane for twenty-three counts of murder in the first degree. And he didn't just kill those people. He... did things to them first. Experimented. They all died in agony. And when I started to see things, he chloroformed me so many times that it began to lose efficacy. I don't know how many times you have to chloroform a ten year old child for it to lose efficacy, but I'm going to guess... a lot? And I don't forgive him for any of that, Walter." Malcolm leans on the counter. "But he's still my dad. And I'll always be his son, whether I acknowledge it or not. And, you're not wrong: he's the worst dad. The worst. Did I tell you he escaped from prison shortly before I came here?"

[forensicks]

"That would explain why you had the opportunity to stab him," Walter says. The man being out of prison and in public, that is. He does wonder if the notoriety from the incident is yet another reason he'd rather stay here for a long time. "But... There are different kinds of love." Though Walter wouldn't want to invalidate, in his personal taxonomy he wouldn't say that Malcolm is describing love, but rather the aftermath of abuse that required acknowledgement and closure. "My grandma never hurt me, once, ever. You know how I was as a dumb kid, I honestly didn't like her being locked up one bit. Well, now I know better. Life doesn't work that way."

Here he is. Locked up. Separated from the one he loves.

[abrightboy]

"I... actually stabbed him in Claremont before, but that... was a whole different situation. The Marshals couldn't find him, they wouldn't listen to me, so I found him on my own, but he kidnapped me, so they assumed I was helping him and alerted the press.... then I was able to call it in and I turned him in again and he tried to kill me. I guess some part of him really thought we'd just... go on the run together or something."

Malcolm studies Walter for a moment.

"If your grandmother really killed someone, then... it's correct that she was in prison. But it's not incorrect of you to love her. And maybe you even understand why she did it but that doesn't make you a bad person. Having killed someone doesn't even automatically make her a bad person. Do you know why she did it?"

[forensicks]

That sure was a thing, as they say in those superhero movies. It's actually also kind of like Misty, the ghosts of Malcolm's past coming to haunt him all over again, and him doing the best to help.

"It never mattered to me." He's never been honest about that with anyone else. He's never looked more like Lydia than in that moment. "Even though the victim was Grandpa Joe. Isn't that crazy? But I only ever had one grandma." He recites with a distant pleasantness: "I can tell you she wasn't acting in immediate defense of her life or dignity or that of another. Oh, yeah, also no criminal insanity."