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[abrightboy]

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[howtheyshine]

The way he shrinks on the stool is reminiscent of nothing so much as a turtle sinking into its shell.

"No, you're right. My dad risked... everything for me. It's- stupid. That's what I mean, it's stupid, and it isn't fair."

[abrightboy]

“It’s not stupid. You feel it. But you do feel it for a reason and unless we talk about why and drill down on where it comes from, we can’t fix it. Are you up to that?” Malcolm asks. “It’s not easy work.”

[howtheyshine]

Edwin shakes his head. Not denying the difficulty or saying he isn't up for it, but- "I already know why. I'm selfish."

[abrightboy]

Malcolm blinks at that; it's clearly news to him.

"...You're selfish? Oh. Who... diagnosed that?"

[howtheyshine]

He finally peeks at Malcolm, curious and startled.

"You have to be diagnosed for that?"

[abrightboy]

"Maybe not formally, but... it's definitely someone objective should look at. What are the symptoms you're experiencing that gave you or someone else that impression?" Malcolm asks.

[howtheyshine]

"I just- I want too much, I want things from people too much, I think about myself all the time, all the time, and it drives me crazy."

He abandons his hot chocolate and starts to pace. "The only times I'm not thinking about myself are when I'm in the garden or playing music, that's the only time anything in my head feels calm."

[abrightboy]

Malcolm watches, but doesn't tell him to sit still or to drink his hot chocolate or to calm down. He hates that shit.

"I'm going to tell you a secret about people, Edwin," e says calmly. "Are you ready to hear it?"

[howtheyshine]

He stops pacing and looks at Malcolm with anticipation.

[abrightboy]

“Every single one of us sees things through the filter of our own thoughts, beliefs, emotions and needs. Our own eyes are the only lens we have to perceive the world through. That makes us all inherently selfish. We can’t control that. We can only control how we behave about it,” Malcolm explains. “Do you feel that you behave selfishly?”

[howtheyshine]

"No, I mean- yes, I do." Wait he's confusing himself. "I understand that, it's just- that's not the part I worry about, really, it's... the thinking about myself part, the always thinking about myself."

Pacing: resume.

"I- I don't know. About behaving selfishly. I mean, I feel like I do, like I have. Like there's no room in my head for anyone else."

[abrightboy]

“So… what you’re suggesting is that your thoughts linger on your own needs to the exclusion and detriment of people around you. Can you give me an example?” Malcolm asks.

[howtheyshine]

"Well-- Charlie. John loved... loves him, and I hated that." That's an easy one.

[abrightboy]

“Why did you hate that? What did you hate about it?” Malcolm asks.

[howtheyshine]

He comes back to the barstool, hunkering over the hot chocolate again.

"Charlie hated- who he thought I was. He was terrified of me. If he and John were together, I couldn't be there." Edwin studies his hands around his mug. "I... hated him for that. I hated that he could take my brother away from me, and that I would let him. I lashed out at John for- for being with someone he cared about. That he would kiss Charlie, that he would be willing to do more than that knowing Charlie couldn't stand me. It was the worst fight we ever had."

[abrightboy]

“Did you tell John why it upset you?” Malcolm asks.

[howtheyshine]

"Not until after we fought. But I thought about it so much that I felt like I told him. I didn't realize I never had until he asked me when it was."

He visibly slumps. "I- I was bad at sharing my feelings then. I'm not great at it now."

[abrightboy]

“What did he say when you told him?” Malcolm prompts gently.

[howtheyshine]

"I don't- I wonder sometimes if-" He stops. "He said I made a lot of assumptions, and a lot of them were wrong. He explained about... the shadows, that people leave on you, when they hurt you, the way the shadows the King left with him sometimes felt like me, just because that's... who I used to be. That it feeling the same didn't make him believe I was the same as the King, which- I was... I was afraid of. I was scared of that for a long time."

He isn't any more, which is a strange emptiness of its own.

He can feels his eyes burning and closes them, annoyed with himself for crying as easily as he does. "He talked about what he meant, when he said he wouldn't choose between people. That he didn't--wouldn't--treat people according to, to imaginary rankings, when one love wasn't greater or lesser than another. Just- different."

He slumps more, his breathing shaky with memory. Things that aren't air but are just as invisible fill his chest and make him feel squeezed. He closes his eyes and makes himself breathe again until the edge of panic fades some. It never really goes away, but at least he can corral it, like some monster that has to be periodically bound by ritual.

"I don't- know why I can't believe that. I don't know why I can never believe that anyone would choose me when they have another option."

Oh shit. That just. Came out. Didn't it.

[abrightboy]

"Because, in your experience, nobody ever has. It's a reasonable fear," Malcolm tells him. "My first inmate - my best friend - Neal, he struggled with that, too. So much so that when I first started dating Will, Neal hated him. He thought it meant he would mean less to me. Truthfully? It is hard being a person who's closest people won't believe them that there is room in their heart for all the people that he loves. But. I know it is also deeply difficult to be a person dealing with trust issues so profound that you can't believe in love that isn't focused on you single-mindedly. Feeling that... it doesn't make you bad or wrong. It's how you feel. Your feelings can't be wrong, Edwin. But in terms of perspective... let's think about the people that you love. You love your dad, Jedao, right? And your brother John. And you love Flapjack, too. So which one do you love the most?" Malcolm asks.

[howtheyshine]

It's so close. It's so close, what Malcolm says, it's scratching at the door of the things Edwin feels. It's like a pimple just a fraction too deep to be properly squeezed.

But anxiety seizes on other things. Anxiety makes it is hard being a person who's closest people won't believe them loom in his chest. Anxiety makes the question, the logical question, with its logical answer, its true answer, anxiety turns that question into a test he fails no matter how he answers. If he tells the truth, that it isn't 'more' for any of them, he slams right into the shame of knowing the right answer and not being able to feel it. If he tries to refine his own feelings enough to explain, to make clear that he doesn't need single-mindedness, that he just wants to be the most important to someone--

Except he knows, too, that his dad manifested a new piece of soul made from love for his son. Edwin doesn't even want his dad to put him first-first, not if it means saving other people. More lives, more minds. He's so proud that his father would be willing to break his own heart to protect others. So as much as he wants it, Edwin has someone who feels that way, and it hasn't fixed anything, so what the fucking fuck is even wrong with him?

"I- yeah. I mean, uh. I get what you mean, what you're saying."

[abrightboy]

“Of course you do. You’re very smart. But that’s not the answer to the question I asked. It’s not a pub quiz, with right and wrong answers. This is where we start to pick open the issue so we can see how deep it is and what’s inside. Not answering is refusing to look. Is there a reason you’re afraid to look?” Malcolm asks curiously.

[howtheyshine]

He doesn't know. But he also does. But he doesn't want to.

"Because..." He flounders for an answer long enough to get irritated with himself and burst out, "Because what if it is just me? What if I'm just fucking- wrong. Made wrong?"

[abrightboy]

Malcolm watches him for a long moment.

"...If it's possible to just... be made wrong, then there wouldn't be much hope for a lot of us, would there? If that's a thing, then I'm made wrong for sure. There isn't honestly a lot that's made right about me. But... if we're just beholden to the inherent rightness or wrongness of how we're made, then... well then, the choices we make don't matter that much. It takes some of the pressure off, but it sucks out our agency like a high powered vacuum."

Malcolm shrugs. He sips his drink.

"I prefer to think that when I don't like how I'm reacting to something or feeling about something... I can put some work in and have some power over it. And you can have some power over it. But not without doing the work."

He keeps his eyes on Edwin.

"We don't have to start today, but I would be here to help you with it at any point when you want to."

[howtheyshine]

He sinks in his seat and curls over his hot chocolate like he's about to melt face-first onto the counter.

"I don't know why this is so hard."