No One's Born Broken

[abrightboy]

For tinstar.



Gil came and went. Dani came and went. Ainsley came and then left with their mother, who refused to even hear him out about telling the truth. He stared through the window at the motionless man in the bed for some indeterminate amount of time, his hand clutching his phone in his pocket.

Finally he let his eyes leave the figure through the window and he took his phone out of his pocket. He stared at that for a long moment, then scrolled through his contacts until one name rolled onto the screen: Raylan Givens.

He looked through the window, then looked at the name. Then he pressed it.

Comments

[tinstar]

"I'd ask you to define a lot," Raylan started, as he crawled into bed, pulling the sheets halfway up them both as he got settled and scooted closer to wrap an arm around Malcolm's waist. "But I don't think I'd make it through the answer."

Raylan leaned over and stole one last, lingering kiss before laying his head down with a yawn. "There's a few windows, but none so big you're gonna throw yourself out of them, if that's what you're worried about."

[abrightboy]

Malcolm laughed lightly.

"That's not what I'm worried about. I like windows. Well. I like natural light. Artificial light is kind of depressing."

He looked at Raylan, his eyes following the line of his cheekbone in silhouette in the half light, then leaned over and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

"I love you," he said with a soft smile.

[tinstar]

"Might be okay then," he murmured softly. "Front rooms got windows." He watched Malcolm watch him back and smiled softly at the kiss to his forehead. "Love you too," Raylan said with a deep, happy sigh as his arm tightened a little around Malcolm.

It wasn't but 30 seconds later that Raylan's breathing was already changing and shifting into a lighter, more even draw.

He hadn't been kidding about being tired.

[abrightboy]

It took Malcolm a couple of hours to drift off, not because it wasn't late, but because he was so wired. Between the job he accidentally walked into the middle of and possibly outing them to Raylan's office (or at least to Tim) and the apartment search and the absolutely divine feeling of Raylan's soft, even breathing beside him, his mind was all over the place.

Raylan probably got in just over five hours before the screaming started.

[tinstar]

Even as Raylan came up sharply in response to the sudden screaming, he could tell it'd been longer than normal - he knew, at this point, what 3 hours of sleep felt like, very specifically.

"Malcolm!," he started, voice firmer and louder than usual in his start of adrenaline, one hand coming up to pat his face with not much softness. "MALCOLM!" The first call never worked, but it didn't panic Raylan anymore. Crazy as it was, he was getting used to this, to what he had to do for Malcolm and for his own sanity.

Those screams were haunting, however brief they were.

[abrightboy]

Malcolm struggled for a few moments, but he jolted awake suddenly, mid-struggle, until Raylan's face swam into focus in his vision.

Breathing heavily, he reached for him, restraints jangling as he moved, hoping the day wouldn't come when Raylan was tired of holding him after being rudely awoken at odd hours. Part of him was still deeply afraid that this would get wearing on the Marshal over time and he'd choose not to deal with it anymore. At the same time, he knew Raylan loved him. Him, the way he actually was. He could see the truth of it in the other man's face when he said it. What if he didn't get fed up with it? What if he stayed and if Malcolm had to be assaulted in his sleep, he could wake up like this?

He clung to his neck with the arm that could reach, the other splayed at his ribs, burying his face in Raylan's shoulder, letting the tangibility of him and the scent of him bring Malcolm down from the adrenaline and cortisol rush of panic.

[tinstar]

There was no resistance to Raylan being pulled down into Malcolm's tethered embrace and he whispered soothing soft things as one hand found Malcolm's far wrist to release the strap. Honestly, Raylan had thought a lot about this - the screaming, the short nights, the nightly shot of adrenaline to his system and whatever it might do to the health of his heart. He didn't know how he was going to take it long term, but in the short term, it was something he could more than handle.

He would rather focus on that and the way Malcolm felt clinging to him like he was a raft in some unseen storm. He was, he supposed but it only made him feel more needed. Not something he could argue much with.

"You okay?" He'd stopped asking if it was bad, it always was, but he wouldn't stop asking Malcolm if he was okay or giving him space to talk about what his brain had tormented him with that night.

[abrightboy]

He nodded, swallowing hard.

"I... thought you were gone. I woke up here and I was alone and she came up from under the blankets and tried to strangle me." He lifted his head slightly to look at Raylan's face guiltily. "She said I let you die like I let her die."

[tinstar]

Raylan shook his head, hand coming up to cup and stroke his thumb across Malcolm's jaw. "You aren't lettin' me do anything other than wake up with you. I'm still here and kickin'," he said softly, coming down to press a soft kiss to Malcolm's lips before propping their heads together.

"You're no quick draw so I think I'm safe from you, as far as that goes," he reassured.

[abrightboy]

He laughed weakly at that, but it came out as half a sob of relief, too, and he buried his face in the crook of Raylan's neck.

"I'm sorry," he murmured. He felt like a particular wreck this time and he felt like that made him somehow more of a burden or more annoying. Maybe because of how his worse episodes had always been received by people around him. "I'm... I'm okay." He sat up, swiping tears hastily from his face with one hand like that got rid of the whole emotional outburst. "I'm okay," he lied again, trying to take a steadying breath.

[tinstar]

Malcolm's sobs never failed to undo part of Raylan and he frowned softly at the apology, an expression that got deeper as Malcolm sat up and wiped away his tears. Even if he wasn't a Marshal, Raylan would have caught that lie but instead of confronting Malcolm about it, he shifted up himself and ran a hand up and down Malcolm's back.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for Malcolm," he promised, leaning down to press his lips on Malcolm's shoulder, just letting the weight of his head settle onto it. "It's okay, no matter how you are." His asking hadn't meant a referendum of what Should Be and if he had to reiterate that, he would.

[abrightboy]

He attempted a small smile.

"I just..." He pushed his hair back from his face. "I just feel like a lot of trouble... when I'm like this," he admitted.

'Like this': the code everyone used to mean symptoms of his mental health issues.

[tinstar]

"Lay back down with me," Raylan urged softly, sure that Malcolm would better see sense wrapped up in his arms. "Let me decide what trouble is once the sun is up." His decision still wouldn't change, but if the suggestion of it would help Malcolm not buck against what Raylan could only assume he took as lipservice, then he'd do that too.

"Unless being like this means you need to go jog a lap or three or something." Did he need time to himself? Raylan didn't know. He wasn't going to be pushy, but he wasn't going to trap Malcolm by not providing alternate options.

[abrightboy]

He shook his head at the offer of jogging, already moving to curl up tight against Raylan.

"I know what started this," he admitted in a soft voice. "And it's stupid. It's just..." He squeezed his eyes shut for a second, trying to order his breath. "I was having dinner at my mother's house after my father woke up and Ainsley couldn't make it so there wasn't any kind of a buffer. She asked how you were doing and it led into one of her stream of consciousness rambles and it was just... a throw away comment. She said she hoped you were prepared. That you were... the right kind of person. And I thought she was being classist, but it was so much worse. She said I needed to be with someone nurturing, because I'm going to be a burden on them for the rest of my life. The implication being that they had to like that sort of thing and...intellectually, I don't really buy it; I don't. I know I'm capable of looking after myself. But I just..." He swallowed and let his fingertips wander along Raylan's chest. "I don't want you to end up feeling like... you're stuck with some sort of emotional invalid." He ventured a look at Raylan's face. "I know I should just let it go in one ear and out the other, but sometimes things get stuck." He pressed his lips together and took another careful breath. "And I don't want you to go."

[tinstar]

With a quick shift of their pillows, Raylan was comfortable and wrapping Malcolm against him, happy enough to have his arm serve as support for the bit of pillow in between. He listened as he rested his lips onto Malcolm's head, grateful for the slight privacy it brought him.

When Malcolm's head tilted up, Raylan pulled back enough to be drawn into focus and study Malcolm's face in return.

It tumbled out of him before he could stop it. Maybe it was the soft bit of morning they often found themselves in, maybe it was how often his brain had circled around it, maybe it was Raylan's need to claim someone and kiss them in public and be the way he wanted to be in whatever given moment, as much as things would allow, but once the words were out, he didn't regret them and it was a promise he'd break himself to keep.

"Malcolm, when we're settled, when things are right, I'm gonna ask you to marry me. Not because you scream at night or because you're tormented, but because you're a good person who makes me feel.. loved. You make me happy. These... It's fifteen minutes out of my night, and being a rock for you is something that makes me feel good and maybe that means she's right and I'm.. messed up somehow. But I'm messed up by a lotta other old measures that don't count for shit. Nightmares and five minutes of screamin' doesn't make you an emotional invalid. It never will, not in my book."

[abrightboy]

Malcolm stared at him, his eyes widening a little when Raylan mentioned getting married.

A moment later, his hand tightening a little on Raylan's shoulder, he finally managed a quiet "...You want to marry me?" like if he said it too loudly, it'd blow away like dandelion seeds.

[tinstar]

"Yeah," Raylan replied softly as he leaned in pressed a kiss to his forehead. "If you'll let me." He pulled his head back enough to pull the ghost of Malcolm's features back into view. "I am not goin' anywhere, I promise. And if I gotta tell you that every night, that's okay too, because the answer isn't gonna change."

[abrightboy]

A breath of wonder and relief came with a hint of a smile that broadened as he thought about it.

Marriage was official. People would know. And it was what Raylan wanted.

He swallowed and his eyes moved back to Raylan's face. "I want that," he said, his voice still barely above a whisper. If he was having a good dream for once, he did not want to wake himself up. 'Let him', though? Raylan needed to know Malcolm's feeling on it wasn't anything so passive. Miami got better and better.

[tinstar]

Raylan wanted it too. He hated feeling like he was skulking around, like he was hiding Malcolm or how he felt about him. The hand that had been protectively curled around his shoulder came up to settle on Malcolm's jaw to draw him up into a tender kiss.

"I mean it when I say I love you. There's never gonna be any goin' back from that." Raylan knew that Jessica's opinion wasn't the only thing that weighed on Malcolm; he couldn't help but reiterate his position.

He fully intended to spend as many years next to Malcolm as Malcolm would allow. To be fair, he'd taken the same stance with Winona, but he was sure this was going to be different. It already was.

[abrightboy]

Malcolm leaned into that kiss. He knew Raylan meant it. He knew the truth of that from his face every time he said it. There was still a lingering fear that outside pressure and scrutiny might make him rethink it - like his office knowing - but Raylan had been successful about pushing his 'being Too Much' fears off the cliff pretty forcefully. Now if only people around him would stop resurrecting them.

He looked like he wanted to say something, but his feelings were so big and words were so small. After a moment he gave up and kissed Raylan again, then pressed his forehead to the other man's.

"Do you want to go back to sleep?" he offered. "I'll stay with you."

[tinstar]

Raylan hoped he knew. It felt important to air out those words so that maybe they could echo in the back of his head the next time his brain got too far ahead of him.

Meeting the kisses, he pressed his forehead into Malcolm's and the gentle touch. "I don't know about sleep but I wouldn't say no to getting a bit of peace when I hold you. Maybe even without the straps, considering?"

He wasn't sure if he could trust Malcolm's ability to not go back to sleep, but only because he was so comfortable himself.

[abrightboy]

Malcolm smiled and got himself out of his remaining near strap, pushing it aside so he could turn over and curl up, little spoon style, against Raylan, looking at him over his shoulder.

"How's that?"

He wasn't going back to sleep.

[tinstar]

The way that Raylan molded into his big spoon spot, tucking his knees up into the backs of Malcolm's, and the following sigh was all the answer that Malcolm really needed.

"Better," he said, still unable to raise his voice beyond the soft murmur that was required of whatever hell time it was. Raylan pressed a kiss to Malcolm's shoulder before settling his head back down. "I haven't gotten near enough time holdin' you like this." And he wanted that too.

This was his normal and while he was willing to give up everything for Malcolm, some post nightmare cuddles did him as much good as it did the man tucked against him.

[abrightboy]

"When we have the apartment, I'll try and make it more often," Malcolm told him. "We need to catch up on it."

[tinstar]

"We do." This was one of his favorite parts about being in a bed with someone. "With you not going back to sleep, I formally request all the time like this you can stand before you slip away from me to go be flexible without teasing me."

Five hours was plenty but Raylan was a man already short on sleep; he could stand a few hours more, but he was up, at least for the next few minutes.

"Just to lay here and be with you, that's all I want," he exhaled.