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[abrightboy]

This is Bright. Leave a message.

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[abrightboy]

You wouldn’t. That’s why doing them is a sure fire way to avoid emotional intimacy.

[pharadyne]

Oh I see what you mean!

Well. Yes. Is that a problem?

[abrightboy]

It depends. Obviously you do it to protect yourself and that served you at your old job. And you graduated just fine. But, at the same time… do you really not want to ever be close to anyone? That’s so lonely.

[pharadyne]

I can be close to people. Some people. [It's a work in progress.] Just not everyone I have sex with.

[abrightboy]

I wouldn’t recommend it with everyone you have sex with. We’re talking about sex as part of intimacy, though. With someone.

[pharadyne]

Why can't intimacy and sex just be separate things? Part of the reason I developed a bit of a pash for you back when I did was because you turned me down. [People who like him but don't want him feel safer, on the whole, more trustworthy. With a few rare exceptions.]

[abrightboy]

I think getting to know each other and trust each other first is a good start. But if I hadn’t gotten together with Will, we would have done it eventually. We were definitely working up to it. Would you have… had less of a ‘pash’ after that?

[pharadyne]

I don't know. Difficult to predict what didn't happen. In the past, with other people, I've had it go both ways. Sometimes it's wonderful and I feel very close, and sometimes it creates a distance in me that wasn't there before. The opposite of intimacy.

Are you still attracted to me, even though you're with Will? [Since Malcolm's asking blunt and probing questions, Norton thinks turn about is fair play.]

[abrightboy]

Of course I am. You’re a great person and good looking, too.

[pharadyne]

I am, aren't I. But despite that being objectively true, not everyone is attracted to me.

Why did you choose Will? And not just why you like him, you're obviously well suited to each other, but since you're the sort who only choses one person, how did you decide to chose him? I was in the offing, and Neal would have waited for you until he graduated if you'd asked. Was it the timing, the circumstances, something else entirely?

[abrightboy]

I... you have to understand that I've never been in a position to have one person who wants me to choose them before. And I didn't know any of you were... interested like that. I didn't expect... Anyway, Will came to me one night and confessed. And so... I guess timing? He told me plainly and... when I thought about it, I felt that way too, but... I just... I guess up to that point I didn't think it mattered what I felt. What I felt has never panned out before. But if all three of you told me at the same time and I had to choose with all the information? I don't... really know what I would have done. I don't have tools for that. And I wouldn't want to lose you or Neal. I was... worried I had right after I told you.

[pharadyne]

The snogging wasn't a clue?

Golly, all three of us lined up would have been like the bloody Judgement of Paris. Trojan War on the horizon.

[abrightboy]

Neal only did it the once, right after a breakthrough in counselling. And you do that with people you don’t have feelings for all the time. So. No. Not so much.

[pharadyne]

Point taken.

Just as well, maybe. I don't think you'd have been very happy with me, in the long run.

[abrightboy]

Why not? I like you a lot.

[pharadyne]

I think eventually you'd want more stability than I have in me to provide. Will might be a teensy bit nutters but he's solid. I don't think it's quite in my nature to be anyone's "home."

[And he sounds sad about that, wishes it could be otherwise. Although at least Neal's plan, that Raylan will be his home and Norton will flit about as his usual capricious self and always have a place, has reassured him that he won't lose Neal over it. Neal's found a way to have it all.]

[abrightboy]

Because you don’t want to be or because you’re afraid of how much responsibility that sounds like?

[It’s not pointed or judgemental; he’s sincerely asking.]

[pharadyne]

Neither. It's just what I am. Everyone says so.

[abrightboy]

'Everyone' doesn't get to decide what you are. I don't think that's what you are. But I think you're really good at hiding what you are. You fooled me for a while.

[pharadyne]

What do you think I am?

[As he says it, he thinks it's maybe not wise to ask a profiler that question, but too late now.]

[abrightboy]

[Malcolm observes him for a moment, his head tilted just slightly to one side.]

I think you’re a fundamentally good man who’s been wounded too many times to believe in your own goodness. I think you want connection, like any of us do, but somewhere along the way, you decided it was safer to wall your heart off from your body and truly indulge in the next best thing. And I think nothing scares you more than taking down that wall, because your heart’s been in there for a very long time and things that have peeked through holes in the mortar so far haven’t made you think it isn’t still needed.

[pharadyne]

[Well. He can't say he didn't ask for it. Although as Malcolm adds details, Norton's shoulders hunch slightly like he's about to either pounce or curl up on himself.]

That's...a lot of thoughts.

If it helps, I don't believe in the goodness of a lot of people, not even a lot of the wardens here. [He laughs but it's a little too high-pitched.]

[abrightboy]

[Malcolm blinks when Norton speaks, like he’s been snapped out of deep concentration. But at the next remark, he realizes something. Norton can probably see that on his face before he actually says what it is.]

You want to let Neal behind the wall, because he has one too, but he let you in already. And you’re not quite sure how. That’s why you’re trying to make a big gesture of trust. Maybe that’ll do it.

[pharadyne]

[That gets the laughter and too-bright smile to stop.]

I'm all for risky endeavours. Crack myself open and either the wall will be shattered or I'll be left broken and alone but either way it will be...real.

[abrightboy]

He loves you. [He doesn't sound uncertain.]