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abrightboy

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From:

abrightboy

Why?

From:

hippie_ninja

You're impulsive and you're able to talk yourself into things if they feel good, and bad things happen on this ship.

From:

abrightboy

It’s not about feeling good and it’s insulting that you keep reducing something profoundly meaningful to simple gratification. What did Will say that made you think you should be worried about me?

From:

hippie_ninja

It wouldn't be meaningful if it didn't feel good, Malcolm. You wouldn't be so conflicted if it didn't feel good.

I'm worried you're impulsive enough, and wrapped up enough in your emotions, to end up demoted.

From:

abrightboy

Well, if that happens, you'll have been right. And then you'll feel good.

From:

hippie_ninja

No, I won't. I don't want that.

You really think I don't like you, don't you?

From:

abrightboy

I don't think you dislike me. I think you don't respect me and I think you like having moral superiority over other people. So while I don't think you want me to get demoted per se, I think you would feel pretty good about being right all along.

But I could be reading you completely wrong. I'm told I do that here. What would even get me demoted, anyway?

From:

hippie_ninja

I'd feel like shit, Malcolm. You're a good person, a kind person, who could help a lot of people if you got out of your own way for once. So yeah, you're reading me wrong. Now you know, maybe you can reevaluate.

You know, Will said he hopes you learn to tell the difference between genuine concern and personal attacks. I really hope you figure that out someday soon.

From:

abrightboy

People who are genuinely concerned don't dump you for making a choice you don't agree with. Maybe you should learn the difference.

From:

hippie_ninja

I dropped you as my therapist. I'm still here talking to you, Malcolm. I'm still trying to be your friend.

From:

abrightboy

You didn't sound like you wanted to be my friend when you came to my office. What changed your mind?

From:

hippie_ninja

I was angry. I felt like you weren't hearing me. I still feel like you weren't hearing me. But what are my choices? I can give up or I can keep trying. I'd rather keep trying.

From:

abrightboy

[He considers that.]

You weren't hearing me, either, so I guess we can all do better.

Why would you rather try than quit? What's in it for you? [It's an honest question, not an accusation.]

From:

hippie_ninja

...A friend? I don't like fighting with people. Well. Not when it's genuine.

From:

abrightboy

Okay. Well. I have a condition. …actually, it’s more of a boundary. I’ve already told you that I have a problem with you referring to my soul deep connection to another human being as a thing I’m doing because it feels good. I find that framing dismissive and condescending in a way that makes me recoil viscerally. So… stop it. Okay? Just stop doing it. I’ve told you I find it offensive, so…. Stop.

From:

hippie_ninja

And I need you to own that you met him as a patient, and that it was ethically reprehensible. Soul deep or not.

From:

abrightboy

What do you need that for? So I meet your ethical bar for friendship? You’re not my counselling client and it’s not your business. Can I do anything reasonably in the purview of friendship for you?

From:

hippie_ninja

I'd like a friend who can own mistakes.

From:

abrightboy

I told you he came to my office for counselling and I told you that we were friends before we were anything more than that. And that’s true. And it wasn’t a mistake. I’d be with Will again under the same circumstances a thousand times. I’d be with Will under messier, more dubious circumstances another thousand times. Nothing I’ve done in my entire life has been less of a mistake than dating Will Graham. Nothing. So maybe the circumstances don’t meet your strict code for what constitutes a professional versus a personal relationship and that’s your right, to decide on your own moral standard. But I will never, ever, ever call being with Will a ‘mistake’ in any context. You can decide what that means for this fledgling friendship: you can drop me again or you can drop this idea that I need to admit that seeing Will is somehow wrong. It’s right. It’s the rightest thing I’ve ever done.

From:

hippie_ninja

This is why I don't respect your code of ethics. This is why I don't trust you when things are bad, when they're hard, when honesty is needed. So what kind of friend can you be? I don't know. Not a good one. Not one I'd really trust. But I don't hate you, and I'm not persecuting you.

From:

abrightboy

You think being loyal to the person I’m closest to and to our relationship makes me untrustworthy? How is that logical? I think you’re still trying to win the moral victory and that’s what matters to you, not me. You could let it go. How Will and I met. This isn’t an office in the city; this is a closed system. I’m not a doctor and I wasn’t his doctor. I was someone he talked to, because he needed to talk to someone and I volunteer for that and then because we had so much in common and understood each other so well and we became friends and we still went to each other to talk. And then one day he came to see me and…

[His voice trails off. Why is he telling Jesus this part? No. He doesn’t get that part. That night is sacred.]

Anyway. It wasn’t like we were strictly a professional deal and we got together by banging on my desk. So get over it. Or don’t. Whatever. You’re making it hard to trust and respect you, too, you know. By being a total dick about something that’s truly beautiful and important to me. It’s not asking for respect for you to ask me to shit on it if I want you to trust me. I don’t want it that much. Not enough to do that.

From:

hippie_ninja

You were his doctor and you keep lying about it to make yourself feel better. That's what I don't trust.

But yeah. I'm not going to be okay with you abusing a system that was there to help him, when he came to you for help. If we can't be friends, we can't be friends. I did everything I could. I have a clean conscience. It doesn't sound like you do.

From:

abrightboy

I'm not a doctor? I'm nobody's doctor. I don't understand what you don't understand: I'm not a doctor. And my conscience is totally clean about this, by the way. There was a little high school murder I still have some concerns about and I don't feel good to this day about letting my mother pretend it was her that stabbed my father the first time I did it, but she wouldn't let me confess. About Will, though? No regrets. None at all. If you ever get over yourself, give me a call.