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[abrightboy]

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[howtheyshine]

Please hold while this auDHD godnugget has a blue screen moment figuring out where to start.

[abrightboy]

"When you think about how upset you feel, what's the first thing connected to it in your head?" Malcolm tries instead.

[howtheyshine]

Uhhh, uhhhh.

Arthur. But for different reasons than before and not reasons I hate him over. And Hunter. And... And the King in Yellow, actually mostly the King in Yellow.

Wait hang on.

Charlie. And John, but mostly over what I thought John thought that he definitely didn't think but I still feel like he thinks?

[abrightboy]

“You’re right,” Malcolm tells him. “That’s a lot to untangle. Let’s start with Arthur; what happened between you?”

[howtheyshine]

It's because of what happened with me and John. He-- he did something to protect John, or I mean he tried to do something to protect him, and it... hurt. It hurt more after than it did when he was doing it, when I-- when I could think about it more.

Fidget fidget fidget.

[abrightboy]

“What did he do?” Malcolm asks patiently. “What did he do to you,” he immediately clarifies.

[howtheyshine]

The fidgeting continues for a moment.

I upset John, because... because of some things I thought, things I was afraid of. Upset him... a lot. Arthur wanted to know what happened because John didn't say, and he tried to... to lure me into his room after he took me off his filter, so he could trap me until I talked about it.

[abrightboy]

"He intended to hold you there against you will? How did that make you feel?" Malcolm asks gently.

[howtheyshine]

A pause, and the fox hunkers down a little.

Angry. Confused. It-- It hurt. A lot. It hurt that he would do that when we... we've worked so hard on being friends. When I trusted him.

[abrightboy]

"Why did that break your trust? Because you felt he hurt you on purpose? Or... because you would have talked to him if he tried talking to you?" Malcolm asks.

[howtheyshine]

Because... Because he knows how scared I am of being trapped. He knows. And... because... he said he was there because he cared about me and John. Both of us. But he didn't care about how he made me feel at all.

[abrightboy]

"What do you think John would have said if he knew Arthur was doing that to you?" Malcolm asks curiously.

[howtheyshine]

He doesn't. He has no idea, actually, because pretty much everything he thought John would say about Charlie was wrong.

I don't think he'd be happy. But I don't know what he'd say.

[abrightboy]

“So… I think it’s fair to say he didn’t care about John’s feelings either. He was angry and he cared about dealing with that feeling,” Malcolm suggests. “What do you think?”

[howtheyshine]

Oh.

Oh, that's....

Oh.

.........

Oh.

That... That makes sense.

[abrightboy]

"It doesn't excuse harming you, but it explains why he might do something rash and hurtful to someone he loves," Malcolm explains. "What did you argue with John about?"

[howtheyshine]

It doesn't... excuse it, but. I did the same thing with John. I got... scared he was going to not have a... a place in his life for me any more, and angry was safer than scared.

It was over, uh. A friend of his that doesn't like me.

[abrightboy]

"You were afraid he'd spend time with that friend and learn not to like you, too? That... he'd see what this friend sees? Start to love them more than you?" Malcolm clarifies.

[howtheyshine]

Malcolm is getting the most wide-eyed stare.

Did you guess all of that?

[abrightboy]

"...Is it accurate?" Malcolm asks? "Did you feel like... you didn't understand how someone who said they loved you could spend time with someone who hurt you and laugh and talk and act like nothing ever happened to you?"

[howtheyshine]

Y... Yes.

Oh, and it hurts again, too, even with everything John told him that he's trying so hard to believe.

[abrightboy]

“Does the sound of this friend’s stupid voice make you want to tear his stupid face off and throw it in the incinerator because no matter what you do, you can’t stop feeling like you don’t matter and it’s his stupid fault, but you can’t say so or maybe your closest friend really will love him more than you?” Malcolm asks. You know: hypothetically.

[howtheyshine]

Okay, at a certain point even Edwin can recognize a thing is no longer hypothetical. Well. The face tearing is, but that's not the important part.

Did that happen to you? Where you felt that?

Do u wanna talk about it???

[abrightboy]

“It happened to me. I think it happens to a lot of people. And… I think it’s important to remember that a person’s heart doesn’t have a finite capacity for love. They’re only going to make a choice if you force them to choose,” Malcolm tells him.

[howtheyshine]

He hunches guiltily.

I tried to make John choose. He said no one could make him.

There's a pause, not quite long enough for Malcolm to speak.

And we talked and I understand now what he means, that choosing to love someone doesn't mean you love them more or less than anyone else, it just means you love them for them, but-- but I don't believe it when he's not there saying it to me. And then I think a-about how maybe he would have to choose, some day, maybe there'd be a reason he has to, and if he has to but he won't isn't that the same as not choosing me to begin with?