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[abrightboy]

This is Bright. Leave a message.

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[abrightboy]

"Well... I understand that impulse, but... feelings aren't a switch that can be turned on and off. At the foundation of feeling... left out, is love. The love you have for the people in your life. The love you have to give. And also community. Wanting to be part of something with other people. Neither of those is bad. But... it can feel bad when you feel like you aren't achieving them or can't. And... sometimes the people we love or want to belong with.... we think it's a sign that they don't love us if we're not the top of their priorities, but that isn't generally the case. And sometimes... the people we want to belong with just don't want us there. So the first thing to do is figure out which one of those this is," Malcolm suggests.

[howtheyshine]

"I know that's not- not how feelings work, but-"

If he knows, why is he saying but.

"I just. Can't. I can't do that. How do I hide it? Or fix it without the person knowing?"

[abrightboy]

"You can talk to me about why you feel that way," Malcolm suggests. "That would be a start."

[howtheyshine]

He deflates and fusses with his cup to avoid looking at Malcolm. "It's not fair of me to feel that way."

[abrightboy]

Malcolm watches him for a second.

"Why do you think that your feelings need to be fair?"

[howtheyshine]

"I mean, I know they don't. I do know that. Feelings are what they are, they come when they come."

With the air of someone saying BLAH BLAH BLAH. He takes a long drink of hot chocolate.

"I just- am bad at them. I'm bad at them. Whenever something gets- gets volatile, or it could be a fight, I make things worse, every time. And every time it's happened, it's been my fault. Me not being fair."

[abrightboy]

Malcolm tilts his head slightly.

"Give me an example."

[howtheyshine]

"Well. Everything from when I was an inmate. I mean, not everything, but- hurting people, torturing the Butcher, killing Richter. And even after I graduated- even after I graduated there was everything with Charlie, who my brother loved, and who... I mean, he hated me. Or he hated who he thought I was."

He idly calls to the liquid left in his cup, making a tiny spout of hot chocolate spin in the middle of his mug. "I broke John's door when I found out they'd been intimate. I upset John so much he- he wanted to sleep, to get away from feelings, and..."

He deflates a little more. "I don't... trust me."

[abrightboy]

“Do… you mean that you have big emotions that feel hard to control and you don’t trust yourself not to act on them?” Malcolm clarifies.

[howtheyshine]

Edwin lets his chocolate-spout drop back into his glass and blinks as the drink splashes freckles of hot beverage across his face.

"Kind of." It's that. It's also the nagging memory of John wondering if he's capable of loving without destruction, worrying that his nature runs opposite to who he really wants to be. It's wondering where the breaking point is, wondering which step will be the step too far in the eyes of someone he cares about. Not murder any more, not torture, but there are plenty of other ways to be cruel.

[abrightboy]

Malcolm nods and takes a sip of hot chocolate.

"I have that problem too," he admits. "It's not... unique to gods that got stuffed into meat suits."

He tilts his head slightly, watching Edwin for a moment.

"What are you the most afraid of?" he asks. Then clarifies: "What intrusive thoughts keep you awake at night the most?"

[howtheyshine]

He gives Malcolm a blank look.

"None. I don't sleep unless I feel like it."

[abrightboy]

"So when do you have time to worry?" Malcolm jokes. He sobers. "Just kidding. Um. Well, in general, what thoughts do you keep having that bother you the most?"

[howtheyshine]

He is staring fixedly at the drink now, because looking anywhere else feels like a bad idea.

"No one needs me."

[abrightboy]

Malcolm’s brow furrows faintly and he’s seriously watchful now, mirth banished.

“Needs you for what? Jedao went on some crazy trip to find you when you left and from just what I overheard, it sounds like it could have destroyed him, but he did it despite knowing the risk. He said he had to make sure you were okay. What is it, exactly, that indicates a person having… need of you?” His tone is genuine curiosity. He’s listening. He’s asking because he wants to hear him.

[howtheyshine]

The way he shrinks on the stool is reminiscent of nothing so much as a turtle sinking into its shell.

"No, you're right. My dad risked... everything for me. It's- stupid. That's what I mean, it's stupid, and it isn't fair."

[abrightboy]

“It’s not stupid. You feel it. But you do feel it for a reason and unless we talk about why and drill down on where it comes from, we can’t fix it. Are you up to that?” Malcolm asks. “It’s not easy work.”

[howtheyshine]

Edwin shakes his head. Not denying the difficulty or saying he isn't up for it, but- "I already know why. I'm selfish."

[abrightboy]

Malcolm blinks at that; it's clearly news to him.

"...You're selfish? Oh. Who... diagnosed that?"

[howtheyshine]

He finally peeks at Malcolm, curious and startled.

"You have to be diagnosed for that?"

[abrightboy]

"Maybe not formally, but... it's definitely someone objective should look at. What are the symptoms you're experiencing that gave you or someone else that impression?" Malcolm asks.

[howtheyshine]

"I just- I want too much, I want things from people too much, I think about myself all the time, all the time, and it drives me crazy."

He abandons his hot chocolate and starts to pace. "The only times I'm not thinking about myself are when I'm in the garden or playing music, that's the only time anything in my head feels calm."

[abrightboy]

Malcolm watches, but doesn't tell him to sit still or to drink his hot chocolate or to calm down. He hates that shit.

"I'm going to tell you a secret about people, Edwin," e says calmly. "Are you ready to hear it?"

[howtheyshine]

He stops pacing and looks at Malcolm with anticipation.

[abrightboy]

“Every single one of us sees things through the filter of our own thoughts, beliefs, emotions and needs. Our own eyes are the only lens we have to perceive the world through. That makes us all inherently selfish. We can’t control that. We can only control how we behave about it,” Malcolm explains. “Do you feel that you behave selfishly?”