abrightboy | Voicemail (IC Contact Post) OLD

abrightboy

This is Bright. Leave a message.

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From:

cactusy

I want to be able to work with you, Bright. Not against you.

From:

abrightboy

I’m answering your questions. To the best of my ability even. I’m not being facetious when I tell you we can’t slow down. We can’t.

From:

cactusy

And I think that's crap. You can learn; you're capable. Professionally speaking, there's no way you don't know about codependency and how damaging it can be in the long-term.

From:

abrightboy

[His expression creases. His voice is quieter, not louder when he speaks.]

Personally speaking, I’ll take this because it feels right and in the entire multiverse I only have one chance for that. To be with someone who really understands me and still wants to be there. To be with someone who isn’t afraid of the darkness in me. Have you talked to him about your concerns?

From:

cactusy

Yes. And he understands them.

[Eyes still closed, she curls her fingers hard around the railing.]

Offer's still on the table, Bright. Two-way openness and honesty. I'm trying, I'm trying really hard; for god's sake, take it.

[Her teeth clench around the last word, but she can't think of any other way to verbalize how important this is to her, so she forces it out:]

Please.

From:

abrightboy

I don’t need reciprocation to help. I want to help you. I want to do right by him. But I don’t understand what you want me to actually do.

From:

cactusy

[Welp, clearly that meant exactly nothing to him. She doesn't say anything right away - she just slumps her shoulders as a wave of exhaustion and defeat rolls over her.]

From:

abrightboy

…If I don’t ask you questions as payment, do you think I’m not taking this seriously? I’m trying to be nice. You don’t have to spill your guts to get me to help you. I just don’t know what you actually want. …Are you looking for me to acknowledge that my relationship with Will is unhealthy for him so that I’ll end it and he’ll graduate for not making the same mistake with me that he made with Hannibal?

From:

cactusy

[Flatly, quietly, and defeatedly:]

I'm trying to let you in enough that you maybe start to understand me a little more, which might help you stop asking questions like that.

From:

abrightboy

Why don’t you just say that instead of offering the information up like you’re trading it for something? And then still waiting for me to try and find the right questions in a haystack? Tell me what you think will help. I want to know.

From:

cactusy

I'm offering up me, Bright.

[Her fingers curl and uncurl, nails scratching lightly against the metal.]

I'm trying to find some way towards mutual understanding. That's what I want. That's what I think will help.

From:

abrightboy

Are you saying you want to come back to therapy?

From:

cactusy

No. I don't want you to be my therapist. I want to talk, as friends.

From:

abrightboy

…Can we get a coffee or something?

From:

cactusy

Okay.

[She doesn't move from her spot at the railing, though, her forehead still pressed to the metal.]

From:

abrightboy

[He goes to take a step, then pauses when she doesn’t move to join him.]

……..Do you want me to bring it here?

From:

cactusy

Are you okay with that.

From:

abrightboy

Yes. If you’re still going to be here when I get back.

From:

cactusy

I'm not going anywhere.

[Literally. She does not plan to move from this position.]

From:

abrightboy

[He nods and leaves and returns some twenty minutes later with a cup of black coffee and a cup of a floral herbal tea. He hands her the coffee.]

From:

cactusy

[Sure enough, there she is, literally in the exact same spot. When he shows back up, she sticks out an arm, takes the coffee, and sips at it while still draped over the railing.]

When I was twenty-four, the supervisor of my residency program called me into his office.

[She pauses for a second, sips, and then continues.]

He told me he'd been watching me for a while, and he'd picked up on what I was in a way that my attendings hadn't. He said it didn't matter how good I was, how much I accomplished, or how hard I tried, because I was missing a core piece of humanity, and without that fundamental element, I'd never be a doctor. And then he gave me a choice: if I withdrew from the program on my own, he'd leave his assessment of me out of any official records, and I'd have an easier time finding other jobs in other fields.

[Another sip.]

So I get it; I've been fired for being deficient, too.