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[abrightboy]

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[tinstar]

'Live my dreams'? [The echoed sentiment was scoffed, more like a question than not.]

I'm not as lucky as Francis, maybe. I just get to live part of a dream - watching Willa grow up. Bein' there for that as best I can, gettin' whatever time I'll get with Neal while he's there, and workin' until I get put in a pine box in the ground. That's the only thing waitin' for me. I've come to peace with it. Long time ago.

No. I don't get to live my dream. I get to live scraps of my dreams.

[abrightboy]

...What did you use your deal for?

[tinstar]

To ensure that Willa would be safe from any of the assholes of my job that want to get at me through her. To make sure they couldn't use her, or hurt her.

And I know that Winona and I managed that without a deal, so I don't know what's gonna change.. Maybe I end up not having to work as hard to keep her safe because I know she's covered.

[His deal wasn't for him. It was for Willa. All he gets is a little peace of mind, in a world where a hundred different other things could come out of no where and steal his daughter away from him forever and too soon.]

[abrightboy]

If that doesn't count as living your dreams... what would?

[tinstar]

[His jaw works a little as he stares that thousand yard stare through the bottle in his hand.]

I think that if you apply all that brain you got, it ain't hard to figure out that answer.

[He wasn't snippy or rude, more resigned and defeated.]

I'd've quit my job for Winona. Gone back to teachin' at Glynco, given up my field work.. my badge.. I would have adjusted around James if he coulda handled it..

But even the Admiral can't grant me any wish to find someone who wants to stay next to me or with me for the rest of our lives. I just want to be happy.

[abrightboy]

But Neal is going with you. He wouldn’t… treat you like that.

[tinstar]

[Raylan lifts his brows over a long pull from his bottle.]

He's not going with me to be with me forever, Malcolm. He's goin' with me because we care about each other and I think he knows that he'll do better when he's got someone he loves and feels safe with nearby as he tries to build what his life will look like.

It ain't healthy to foster illusions, that's all. Norton's got the right to have a slice of that life without me too.

[abrightboy]

I don’t think I really understand what’s…. going on between you, to be honest. But I’m sure Norton will still be here when you two get back.

[tinstar]

We're seein' each other on the side. He's in a committed and open relationship with Norton. Norton agreed to Neal's desire to hold onto us both. I'm-

[He takes and lets a deep breath, shaking his head a little.]

I don't want this to sound- dramatic or.. or like I'm climbin' up on a cross. But I know my place in it all. And it ain't front runner, if you know what I mean.

[abrightboy]

I'm not really an expert on poly relationships, but I don't think they usually have... rankings. But if that's not what you want... why are you doing it?

[tinstar]

It- [he sighs roughly, gesturing with his free hand, not used to having to have words for these feelings, what do you mean, sheer madness.]

Because I love him and for some reason, he loves me too. Even if we haven't said it, I- [He knew. He was pretty sure Neal knew too.]

I got a right to try and have somethin' like that in my life, right? No, it's not perfect, but nothin' is, and I'd rather have whatever time he's willin' to give me than none of his time at all.

[abrightboy]

It sounds like he wants your time, too.

[tinstar]

Some of it. And that might change once he realizes what my job really means. What it means for folks who are waitin' to see if I come back out the other side alive.

I don't know that he wants that part of my time.

[abrightboy]

He worked for the FBI, Raylan. He liked the work. He didn't like the people trying to keep him in indentured servitude so much, but he liked the work.

[tinstar]

He liked the work, he didn't so much care for the emotional backlash of it. And this time the person he's worryin' about is someone else that he loves. That's the difference. I haven't brought it up to him, I don't know that he sees it yet and frankly, he deserves to have a little shine on somethin' without my dark mind twistin' it into somethin' that ain't a promise yet.

'Don't invite trouble', my Aunt Helen would say.

[abrightboy]

I’m… I’m just saying he might not be as averse to it as some people you’ve… been with. Um. How… how long do you think you’ll stay there?

[tinstar]

[ Raylan only took a pull from his ale bottle. Time would tell, and only time would ever help convince him that Neal wasn't going to leave.]

A few months, at least. Long enough for me to find out what normal looks like again. As far as I understand, Neal thinks he'll be comin' back too, so it's not like this is forever. Maybe by the time I come back, Willa will've come to her senses and gone home too.

[abrightboy]

Willa is thriving here, honestly. Maybe she’ll get what she needs and will go home by then.

….Raylan, if you and Neal are… are really happy there…. I mean. Iunderstand if you change your mind. About coming back.

[He doesn’t want that to be the case, but he has to Be Supportive.]

[tinstar]

Let's hope. [And he did, deeply.

He looks over, nods, and sighs mostly to himself.]

I appreciate it. We'll see how it all falls out but everythin' that's there will stay there while we're here. Makes the decision of it all easier, ya know? I just.. [He sighs again.]

I'm exhausted by all the worry that grips me all the time here. And after all my time here, I've earned a break, right? A real break? A little bit of normal life to remind me of how I have to be. How I gotta stay.

[abrightboy]

If that’s what you want, you’ve definitely earned it. But… Raylan, you’re the most normal person here.

[tinstar]

Maybe that's part of the problem.. [He shakes his head.]

The most normal here doesn't wash away the bits of me that I've changed to survive here, to try and thrive. Shit that I can't do back at home. You understand that, right? How bein' the way I am here is like or not to get me killed there?

[abrightboy]

……..But Neal is going with you.

[tinstar]

Yeah. To Miami. No one gives a shit about if I have roommates in Miami. But I still won't be able to live there the way I live here. All.. open and unashmed and shit.

[abrightboy]

Maybe you’ll find you can. I mean. People do.

[tinstar]

[Raylan smiles ruefully and shakes his head.]

You don't understand how it changes the math, with the people I end up goin' against. How much it'll change how people react, what they do. And all the shit I went through to make sure that Willa is safe, I'm not looking to throw Neal into the same pit if I can help it.