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[abrightboy]

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[abrightboy]

[Malcolm makes peppermint hot chocolate while he waits, Sunshine already flitting around the cabin when he lets Edwin in and the smell of peppermint and cocoa wafting through the space.]

How are you Edwin? [As he moves back around the island to get some mugs.]

[howtheyshine]

Edwin follows Malcolm, even though his focus is on the birds. Flapjack flutters over to greet Sunshine with a peep that's very clearly geared toward being un-intimidating. He doesn't get too close, doesn't want to crowd the smaller bird. Edwin feels an unexpected pang, missing Hunter and wondering what his warden would think of the way he's changed his form. He'll have to visit Hunter again, somehow.

"I'm...! Good!" That is so convincing.

[abrightboy]

If it comes up, Will and Malcolm have a way to visit Hunter and anyone else Edwin misses.

“Well, I’m glad you’re good,” Malcolm tells him, taking a sip of cocoa himself. “What did you want to talk about?”

[howtheyshine]

They get to the kitchen. Malcolm doles out hot chocolate, and Edwin cradles his mug close to his chest to feel the warmth there.

"Well..." Shit. Where does he start. There's so much. There are so many reasons he called, there are so many things spinning spider silk across his mind to catch stray thoughts and bad feelings and hang on to them.

"John is getting married. And I was gone for almost a year. And I feel like- It seems like- I just- I can't-"

Oh no he's doing the thing where he gets anxious and starts to tear up, which is a relatively new experience, and he forcefully wipes his eyes and clears his throat. Flapjack peeps encouragement from over near Sunshine, not yet jumping on the need to physically comfort Edwin. He has to let his little god do some things without help.

"I feel overwhelmed and I don't even have anything to feel overwhelmed by, I'm not the one any of it is happening to."

[abrightboy]

Malcolm considers that, cradling his own mug, then says “maybe that’s the problem. Maybe… the feeling that’s bothering you is how much it feels like stuff has happened without you.”

[howtheyshine]

"But..." He stares at Malcolm, at a loss. "Why would I be bothered by that? That's- That's so stupid. Stuff has happened without me for as long as I've existed."

[abrightboy]

"To your friends? Because... I thought this was the first time you had some," Malcolm says with another calm sip.

[howtheyshine]

He starts to speak, stops, and is somewhere between bafflement and revelation. "Well... Yes and no, I've had friends now for longer than I haven't, but...."

But he used to get jealous of John and Arthur all the time. Resentful of how much he didn't know, how much they wouldn't tell him. He got envious of every gentleness someone got from his dads, paranoid about exclusion and being left behind.

"Shit." This is that, but different.

[abrightboy]

“I know, right?” Malcolm says sincerely. He takes a sip of hot chocolate. He doesn’t rush Edwin through processing it. He lets him sit with it for a moment, watching him carefully.

[howtheyshine]

He sits down on one of the bar stools, still cradling his hot chocolate. It takes him a minute to remember to drink some, and when he does he can't help making an appreciative sound.

Still. Focus.

"I- need to not feel that way."

[abrightboy]

"Well... I understand that impulse, but... feelings aren't a switch that can be turned on and off. At the foundation of feeling... left out, is love. The love you have for the people in your life. The love you have to give. And also community. Wanting to be part of something with other people. Neither of those is bad. But... it can feel bad when you feel like you aren't achieving them or can't. And... sometimes the people we love or want to belong with.... we think it's a sign that they don't love us if we're not the top of their priorities, but that isn't generally the case. And sometimes... the people we want to belong with just don't want us there. So the first thing to do is figure out which one of those this is," Malcolm suggests.

[howtheyshine]

"I know that's not- not how feelings work, but-"

If he knows, why is he saying but.

"I just. Can't. I can't do that. How do I hide it? Or fix it without the person knowing?"

[abrightboy]

"You can talk to me about why you feel that way," Malcolm suggests. "That would be a start."

[howtheyshine]

He deflates and fusses with his cup to avoid looking at Malcolm. "It's not fair of me to feel that way."

[abrightboy]

Malcolm watches him for a second.

"Why do you think that your feelings need to be fair?"

[howtheyshine]

"I mean, I know they don't. I do know that. Feelings are what they are, they come when they come."

With the air of someone saying BLAH BLAH BLAH. He takes a long drink of hot chocolate.

"I just- am bad at them. I'm bad at them. Whenever something gets- gets volatile, or it could be a fight, I make things worse, every time. And every time it's happened, it's been my fault. Me not being fair."

[abrightboy]

Malcolm tilts his head slightly.

"Give me an example."

[howtheyshine]

"Well. Everything from when I was an inmate. I mean, not everything, but- hurting people, torturing the Butcher, killing Richter. And even after I graduated- even after I graduated there was everything with Charlie, who my brother loved, and who... I mean, he hated me. Or he hated who he thought I was."

He idly calls to the liquid left in his cup, making a tiny spout of hot chocolate spin in the middle of his mug. "I broke John's door when I found out they'd been intimate. I upset John so much he- he wanted to sleep, to get away from feelings, and..."

He deflates a little more. "I don't... trust me."

[abrightboy]

“Do… you mean that you have big emotions that feel hard to control and you don’t trust yourself not to act on them?” Malcolm clarifies.

[howtheyshine]

Edwin lets his chocolate-spout drop back into his glass and blinks as the drink splashes freckles of hot beverage across his face.

"Kind of." It's that. It's also the nagging memory of John wondering if he's capable of loving without destruction, worrying that his nature runs opposite to who he really wants to be. It's wondering where the breaking point is, wondering which step will be the step too far in the eyes of someone he cares about. Not murder any more, not torture, but there are plenty of other ways to be cruel.

[abrightboy]

Malcolm nods and takes a sip of hot chocolate.

"I have that problem too," he admits. "It's not... unique to gods that got stuffed into meat suits."

He tilts his head slightly, watching Edwin for a moment.

"What are you the most afraid of?" he asks. Then clarifies: "What intrusive thoughts keep you awake at night the most?"

[howtheyshine]

He gives Malcolm a blank look.

"None. I don't sleep unless I feel like it."

[abrightboy]

"So when do you have time to worry?" Malcolm jokes. He sobers. "Just kidding. Um. Well, in general, what thoughts do you keep having that bother you the most?"

[howtheyshine]

He is staring fixedly at the drink now, because looking anywhere else feels like a bad idea.

"No one needs me."

[abrightboy]

Malcolm’s brow furrows faintly and he’s seriously watchful now, mirth banished.

“Needs you for what? Jedao went on some crazy trip to find you when you left and from just what I overheard, it sounds like it could have destroyed him, but he did it despite knowing the risk. He said he had to make sure you were okay. What is it, exactly, that indicates a person having… need of you?” His tone is genuine curiosity. He’s listening. He’s asking because he wants to hear him.