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abrightboy

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From:

abrightboy

There was nothing wrong with my position; how I conveyed it was wrong. If... you don't understand losing one's temper, I'm not sure how to explain what it feels like, but the point is, people make mistakes. When people make mistakes, it's important to try to make it right after. Like Kikimora's shifts in the areas she wrecked. Like apologizing for things said in a heated conversation. I actually think that's a better example to set for inmates than suggesting that wardens don't lose their temper or make mistakes. It's a human quality. You can make mistakes and learn and atone and maybe that's the path to graduation for some.

From:

deuceoftears

I understand being angry. I'm angry right now, in fact, although I suspect that's unfair. You care too much about Kikimora for human quality to have been a deliberate jab, and it's the sort of colloquialism people rarely think about.

[His voice is quiet and very even; he draws in a slow breath, and lets it out.]

I don't disagree about atoning for mistakes. I'm trying to figure out if I've misjudged you right now, but what you're telling me is. Mm. From my point of view, conflicting. I don't want to make more assumptions.

When you say there was nothing wrong with your position, which position are you thinking of?

From:

abrightboy

That I couldn't commit to a particular course of action without completing my investigation.

From:

deuceoftears

I think that's entirely reasonable. There were times I needed to do a lot of digging to find out what the fuck had actually happened with James. And I had the luxury of approaching people in private, most of the time.

[Flipflipflip. The card looks like a tarot card more than a playing card, maybe the ace of coins?]

Here's my dilemma, Malcolm. I'm concerned about a completely different part of that conversation. And while neither is great and both are understandable, there's a difference between saying things you didn't mean in anger, and saying things you very much did mean in anger, that you might have kept quiet otherwise.

If I ask you what you believe were your mistakes, that can come across as, mm, the bad sort of game-playing? Making you grovel and guess in a way you clearly don't care to indulge, and fair enough, I've no right to demand that you do. But if I ask you directly whether you believe the things I took exception to, I worry that comes off as an accusation you'll feel defensive about whether the answer is yes or no.

I'd very much like to actually understand what you did and did not mean, Malcolm. Perhaps you don't care whether I do or not. But if you're willing to help me understand, how should I ask?

From:

abrightboy

Just ask. I hate conversational games. The thing is, I didn't specify who I apologized to or for what for the same reason you didn't name who you think I mistreated. It's going to be hard to get into specifics like that. So maybe you could check in with the anonymous person I wronged, ask if I apologized and ask their permission to talk to me about it, if you still don't feel good about it. Then call me back and just ask. And if they don't want you to talk to me about it, then that's their choice, right? I think that would be the best way to proceed.

From:

deuceoftears

Alright, I'll take you at your word.

I will reach out. In the meantime, in the interest of bluntness...

[Jedao rubs his mouth for a moment, deliberately telegraphing his very real discomfort.]

Does Neal have your permission to share details of your file?

From:

abrightboy

I trust Neal’s discretion to decide whether he needs to. Why?

From:

deuceoftears

Because he told me a lot of things. The kinds of things that, if someone I loved and trusted was telling people, whom they were actively mad at regarding their treatment of me, about me - I'd want to talk to that person and make sure they understood my preferences. About discretion. That's all.

From:

abrightboy

Maybe he does. What sorts of things?

From:

deuceoftears

[Do you look like your father, Malcolm? whispers the part of him that knows exactly where to slide a knife, metaphorically and literally. I look exactly like mine.

He doesn't say that.]

About your father, and how people treated you because of it.

Edited Date: 20 Oct 2023 02:37 (UTC)

From:

abrightboy

I pretty much thought everyone knew that. That’s me one-oh-one.

From:

deuceoftears

Among people who know you well, I suppose.

It was just - a lot of details. He talked about how you got your scar, and the friend who broke things off with you, and the time you were trapped in a closet.

He seemed quite sure the glitter would seem...of a piece, to you. A message of larger, unrelenting antipathy, or salt in those old wounds.

From:

abrightboy

I mean… I guess when I opened the drawer, I was like… oh, this again. But it’s so commonplace in my life, I didn’t really see the point of pursuing it. …Neal said that?

From:

deuceoftears

Not in so few words. But that was my understanding.

And I don't bear you unrelenting anything, for the record.

From:

abrightboy

[Malcolm smiles to himself.]

I’ve never had a friend like him.

From:

deuceoftears

I'm not sure he's necessarily making your best case to everyone, but it is very nice to have a partisan, sometimes. And he seems like a man of wonderful convictions.

From:

abrightboy

He makes a better case than I can make. People hear him, at least. He knows how to be heard. And he cares. Not just about me. About anyone he sees being treated unfairly.