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abrightboy

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From:

ukan

Where is he from again?

From:

abrightboy

He lives in Wolf Trap, West Virginia. He was teaching at Quantico. I know he did some work for the FBI in Baltimore, though.

From:

ukan

[Well he can't help but grin at the name.]

Being a wolf seems to help him with feeling overwhelmed, too. Or am I wrong?

From:

abrightboy

We like to run in the Enclosure when we need to… let go of something.

[He’s right.]

He took to it more naturally than I did.

From:

ukan

I think you're more prone to analyzing everything than he is. You dissect situations; he lives in them.

From:

abrightboy

I have to. I can’t trust my feelings about most things. They’re too big. Too much. I thought they’d bother Will, like shouting at someone with sensitive hearing. But he says he likes them. And… I think we both like… not masking at all. When there’s nobody else, we don’t have to be… self-edited for acceptable socialization.

From:

ukan

I've been afraid of my emotions. Other people's don't scare me. Even yours.

From:

abrightboy

I'm not afraid of my emotions. I'm afraid of the social cost of not being able to suppress emotional reactions or downregulate them or self-soothe to dissipate them.

I'm not self-sabotaging, Lark. I'm on the autism spectrum and I have complex PTSD and I literally cannot regulate my own sometimes disproportionate emotional reactions. That's what's wrong with me, if Archer wants to know. Also Will suspects an arrested emotional development, which makes a lot of sense and is common with cPTSD. He's going to help me with it.

From:

ukan

That's what I mean by being afraid of them. There's nothing inherently scary about feeling anything. If we didn't have social consequences, no one would be afraid of their feelings.

I think Will can help you. I also think he's an inmate working through his own massive, life-changing, life-or-death-consequences troubles right now and you need to look outside of him for additional help.

From:

abrightboy

I’m not… using him as my only support and I wouldn’t jeopardize his graduation. You sound like Shaw. I’ve been getting help for most of these problems all my life. I know what I need and where to get it.

From:

ukan

Where do you get it here? Because I wouldn't go to Sheehan and Kiryu isn't trained.

From:

abrightboy

I don’t need a therapist. I’ve had lots of therapy. What helps me is having people I can trust to talk to. To give me perspective. I do go to Kiryu for that. And Raylan. And Neal. And Francis. And I’ve talked to you about things I’ve never talked to anyone about.

From:

ukan

I'm glad.

And I'm not saying don't go to Will. I want to make sure you have a wide net, that's all. The more perspectives the better.

From:

abrightboy

Everyone assumes I don’t. That I’m using Will and don’t care what happens to him as long as I get what I want. That I’d suck the life out of him to get off and not even think about it.

From:

ukan

I don't. I wouldn't be asking you to help people like Cutter back home if I thought you were like that, Malcolm.

From:

abrightboy

Okay. Thank you. I just wanted to be clear about that. I’m not going to hurt him. And he’s not going to hurt me.

And… also, I hope you understand that the things that are wrong with me aren’t… curable. They’re… part of my fabric. I learn new coping techniques, new mitigation strategies. But they’re still going to be here.

From:

ukan

[A short, surprised laugh] Oh yes you are. More than anyone else could possibly hurt either one of you. That's part of love, Malcolm. It fucking hurts.

From:

abrightboy

I thought so, too, before. But it doesn't have to. Will taught me that.

From:

ukan

Mmhmm. You're still in the limerant phase. Come talk to me in fifteen years when you've had your first real fight that wasn't caused by anyone outside the relationship.

Love sees it through. If it can't, it's not real.

From:

abrightboy

Nobody really understands us separately so it's probably natural that nobody understands us together, either.

From:

ukan

Yeah that's how it was for Alec and I. We had to literally find a therapist who was telepathic to understand us and even then I don't think she fully did. In any case Alec will never go back to her so we'll never know.

Granted, we have a lot of passion in our relationship. Probably too much. I don't think it's healthy to have what I have with Alec.