abrightboy | Voicemail (IC Contact Post) NEW

abrightboy

This is Bright. Leave a message.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only | Expand All

From:

abrightboy

I...think the actual issue was that I wouldn't give you information about the murder while the investigation was active.

From:

handleyourshit

[Clarifying:]

You mean the 'actual' issue as in, you think the real reason I was mad was you wouldn't give me information?

From:

abrightboy

I think you were mad because of what you thought the reason I wouldn't give you information was.

From:

handleyourshit

Because I'm an inmate, and you're a warden?

[Still clarifying.]

From:

abrightboy

That was what most of the comments specifically referenced. Though there were also Wardens in the group asking that I wouldn't tell until it was contained. So I don't know if that was your reason or not, but whatever you thought the reason was? I think it's why you're mad.

From:

handleyourshit

I'm not trying to sort out the other wardens right now. I'm trying to figure out if you and I can manage to see eye to eye, or if it's just...

[She sighs, softly.]

So I want to know what you thought, of me, at the time. I'm giving you a chance to explain, and maybe you'll give me one in turn. You and me.

From:

abrightboy

During the murder investigation? During the murder investigation, I didn't really know who could or should help when I came across the scene, but as people responded, I gave information to people whose motives I felt I could trust were aligned with what I was trying to do - contain the danger, prevent harm to Hilbert and find out what happened, in that order - and I held it back from anyone else. Everyone else. At least until the first two objectives were met. And then I was more willing to disseminate it more widely. Like I said I would. So what I thought of you was that I didn't really know you well enough to understand what your motives would be and even though I realized it would probably result in further... contention between us, I had to do what I had to do. It wasn't a... a judgement about you. It was... triage. And as the Wardens Are All Horrible Oppressors Squad galvanized around your comments, it just seemed more and more like the right call. Though, I recognize in retrospect that you might not be friends with those people and you can't control what they said and may or may not even agree with it.

And of course I'd like to hear your explanation of where you were coming from.

From:

handleyourshit

You'd announced a murder. You'd announced that a warden was your suspect, but not why, or how, or anything.

You told us we were potentially all in danger, and then limited the knowledge we needed to protect ourselves.

As conversations went on you gave me - and others - more reason to be angry, but first and foremost, I don't trust you or whoever else you decided to trust to keep me safe. And I was angry that you denied me the chance to keep myself safe when it would have cost you nothing.

From:

abrightboy

And I didn't feel that I could trust that your - or their - idea of keeping yourself safe wasn't killing Hilbert. I had reason to believe he wasn't in his right mind when he committed the crime and I was correct. He didn't deserve a preemptive strike and while I'd like to know you well enough to know the answer to that question, I don't know you well enough. I understand why it's frustrating to hear that there's something going on and you don't feel empowered to do something about it. Especially when you come from a world where you survive by relying on yourself above all else. And you know what? I'm sure I wouldn't like it either. But I felt - I still feel - that it was my responsibility first and foremost to limit the casualties in solving the problem. I wasn't looking to make anyone angry, but when it became clear that some people were getting angry? I couldn't make that my first concern, either.

And if it's any consolation, Hilbert didn't and, as far as I know, still doesn't appreciate the approach I took, which was primarily to protect his life. So. You're probably right in the overall scheme of things, that I did it wrong. I've heard a lot of suggestions as to what I should have done and I'm interested in how you think I could have achieved the same results in a way that didn't make you angry.

From:

handleyourshit

It's not frustrating. It's not about feeling empowered.

So no, you don't understand, and the fact that you don't isn't your fault but the fact that you do feel empowered to keep making those assumptions and making those decisions for other people is. And the fact that you feel it's your right to get shitty with other people who feel the same way I do means that I don't feel particularly inclined not to get shitty right back.

Are you really interested? Or is anything I tell you going to go right into your collection of things you talk about at some point in the future as evidence that you are only ever doing your best, and all anyone does is misunderstand your good intentions?

From:

abrightboy

I guess it depends on whether you're going to tell me in good faith so I can understand and we can start to connect or if you're going to tell me in condescension as part of being shitty to me for feeling 'empowered' to make 'assumptions' rather than working with the information I have to attempt to build a bridge. If you're going to inform me, in good faith, how you think I could have handled that situation better so I can do better in future? I'm absolutely honestly interested. If you are laying a foundation meant to give you a better angle to shit on me? I'm not. Listen, I know it's my issue, that it's hard for me to assume people aren't looking for an angle to be mean, and I'm not looking for you to sympathize with where I'm coming from. But I am sincerely interested in engaging with you in good faith and I don't know how else to say it to make you believe it.

From:

handleyourshit

Then start with this: everything I have ever said to you has been in good faith. I have been honest, and direct, and exactly as I seemed - whether or not you like what that was.

Good faith, to me, means being honest even when it's not what the other person wants to hear. Good faith means coming as you are, and part of what I am is fucked up, and I'm working on it but I'm still human.

From:

abrightboy

I've also been honest, even when I was quarrelling with Jesus. And when I admitted that was wrong. And I've been who I am. And part of who I am involves being suspicious of whether other people are engaging in good faith because a lot of my experience involves... that not being the case, so I apologize for that, but... it is an honest component of how I'm fucked up and I am also working on it. Being a warden on this ship doesn't mean not being fucked up. We're all fucked up here.

From:

handleyourshit

Then maybe we should stop using that as a wedge, or as leverage.

From:

abrightboy

I didn't think either of us was doing that, but I think we would... benefit from extending each other understanding on that front, that we're not... against each other. My trauma just keeps rubbing your trauma the wrong way. But I'm not... intentionally trying to.... harm you or dismiss you or mistrust you and I can accept that while it felt like you were... being intentionally hostile to anything I said or did just because I said or did it, you weren't.... being hostile to me on a personal level so much as protecting yourself in the only way you've become accustomed to. Does that seem fair?

From:

handleyourshit

[It seems, to her, like a gross oversimplification; she also doesn't quite believe he didn't know exactly what he was doing whenever he threw in the piece of information that he's a warden, or a trauma counselor on the ship, or a homicide investigator. People utilize these kinds of facts about themselves to gain credibility with someone they don't have any with, and that's a choice.

But on the whole -]

Fair enough we could perhaps make some progress, if we both wanted to.

From:

abrightboy

[A choice - yes. But not for the reasons she thinks. He likes talking to people. Reaching out. Trying to connect. He tried talking about himself. He tried talking about her. Neither worked out. But his skills aren't the best and things he says are often easily taken in ways other than how he intended them.]

I want to. I always wanted to. What do you need from me to make that happen?

From:

handleyourshit

To believe I'll be heard when I talk, not just... a character actor in whatever story you're telling for yourself.

[She doubts that will make sense to him, but maybe if he can just let it not make sense, let her make that decision herself without trying to influence her one way or another, maybe.

Maybe.]

And... maybe an answer for why you'd want to. Clearly, we don't just get along naturally.

From:

abrightboy

[It's not exactly the same as what Shaw said to him, but it reminds him of it. Enough that he doesn't ask her to clarify it or argue or ask questions about it. It's not the only way she reminds him of Shaw.]

Okay.

[The reason...]

We live in the same community, we're working towards the same objectives... I want to be part of your solution, not one of your problems.

Why do you want to? [A beat, as it occurs to him that he's made an assumption and he amends the question to:] Do you want to?

From:

handleyourshit

I'd like to. Life is better when people get along, or at least can have a civil conversation, and I'm stuck here until I'm not or you decide to leave. If we can't get along, I'd like to at least not keep having to have every fight we've ever had any time I say something on the network.

And that's how it's getting: people who didn't like what I said or how I said something before are now just flat out dismissing me when I try to offer something in the present. I'm not saying I've been the friendliest person. I'm not saying I ever will be. But I'm not actively trying to break apart the ship, and I want the community to at least be stable and not terrible.

So... it's not necessary. I can just stay in my cabin and not talk to anyone or anything and I'll be fine. But it'd be nicer if we could.

From:

abrightboy

It would be nicer. And... if I can offer an observation without.... starting shit again.... you were very... bark that bites when you arrived and I understand how jarring it would have been for you, but your trauma was rubbing people's trauma the wrong way. Something I... have some experience with, obviously. That being said... most people here will acknowledge how hard it is for new people, especially if they haven't chosen to be here and I'm sure most of them would also be open to talking to you in a... clean slate sort of way. Um. Starting it like this, when there isn't a crisis going on, is good. It's a good way to do it.

From:

handleyourshit

So.

Let me just... lay out what this looks like from my perspective. Alright?

Inmates don't get a choice to come here. We don't get warning. We just die, and then we're here, and that's that. We are literally brought through in a moment of trauma.

Wardens do choose to come here. You do get at least some warning, and an idea of what's going on. Not only that, you can choose to leave whenever you like.

But it's still my fault that we were both in that position, and if not fault, I still bear the responsibility for reacting entirely reasonably for what I thought was happening? That doesn't sound victim blame-y to you?

Edited Date: 19 Aug 2024 21:29 (UTC)

From:

abrightboy

...I'm not blaming you. You said you were having ongoing issues with some people who reacted poorly to their first impression of you and I think... that making an effort to build a bridge there is a good idea. I don't actually know whether those people are inmates or wardens or a mixture. I just... thought it was good that you wanted to... take the communal route over isolating yourself. [He pauses.] What did you think was happening?

Edited Date: 19 Aug 2024 21:36 (UTC)