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abrightboy

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From:

abrightboy

People don't usually know that's what they're doing, but the motivation tends to be that either they're afraid of getting what they want because the idea if change scares them more than staying miserable the way they are or because they don't think they deserve the things they want. Basically the behaviors involve doing things that work against their interests and then justifying those things as necessary or unavoidable. Does that help?

From:

ukan

A bit, yeah.

So a sign someone might be self-sabotaging could be if they find themselves in a repeating pattern of behavior?

From:

abrightboy

If that pattern expressly works against their own stated goals. What sort of behaviour?

From:

ukan

All right, I'm going to be honest with you. My friend, Archer, is worried you might be engaging in self-sabotage. But when I thought about what I knew about it--which wasn't much--I realized I might be.

From:

abrightboy

…Archer told you I’m self-sabotaging? …I haven’t even talked to him since I apologized for being short with him on the network. [He’s mostly confused. He pauses.] …Wait, you think you are? Why?

From:

ukan

No, he told me he was concerned you might be. Not that he's sure you are.

And yeah. I think I am. I end up in the same patterns of behavior a lot. I end up fighting with people here, I end up arguing over petty little things.... It's just something I want to examine and I trust you to be objective with me about it.

From:

abrightboy

...Oh. I mean. Sure. Can you tell me about the arguments?

From:

ukan

He didn't make any. It was only after I thought about it that I thought it might apply.

I get into the same arguments with the same people, over and over. And nothing gets resolved.

From:

abrightboy

That's what I meant. Those arguments. Arguments about what?

From:

ukan

I've argued about what's best for inmates, what's best for wardens. I've argued about...everything. Every change I want to enact is an argument. Even things that other people have asked for.

From:

abrightboy

How is it self-sabotaging to advocate for things you think are right?

From:

ukan

I suppose because it might not be the most right decision. There might be better choices. I'll accept that... I just want to know what they are.

From:

abrightboy

Well... yeah. That's just... asking questions, isn't it?

From:

ukan

It is. But I think it can feel antagonistic. I think it can feel like an attack.

A lot of things we wolves do feels like an attack. We have to find other ways of asking, of going about things.

From:

abrightboy

Maybe it has nothing to do with being wolves.

From:

ukan

What do you mean?

From:

abrightboy

Maybe, in a place like this where everyone is damaged, if any of us cares deeply about anything, there's someone it's going to offend.

From:

ukan

I can learn to be okay with offending a few as long as my people are cared for.

From:

abrightboy

Does that mean only the wolves?

From:

ukan

Mostly yes.

Lately it's been more...complicated. Steve is one of my people. He saw me graduate. I couldn't have done it without him. So he's one of mine.